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1 - cindys
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What Else Can I Do to Heal?
After 43 years of marriage and at age 63 years old, I have discovered my H is GID. Sometimes, I feel like such a fool. I believed 10 years of a sexless marriage was because he had an ED problem. And then the discovery came, 3 months ago, I found gay porn, medical records indicated Hepatitis B diagnosis, he admitted to one gay sexual encounter. Then his excuses came, "just fantasy". I just wanted him to be truthful, I did not want excuses or denials. So I changed my approach with him, instead of crying and being hysterical during our conversations, I decided to be calm, and told him I wanted to be understanding of his sexual needs and could be open, well, he took the bait....OMG, then I really got slammed! He suggested he could hookup with a male for a sexual encounter for "anal penetration" once a month. He thought maybe a business man like him in his 50's , when I asked him why not someone younger, he said a young guy would not be "turned on" by his age, but he would be "turned on" by a young guy. He suggested I could engage with him wearing a strap on. He even wrote a rough draft that he could post on line, which I found when I got home. He thanked me for being able to be truthful with me. And then when I got home he said he changed his mind that he was getting too old and did not want to pursue that. I then told him there was no way I would ever agree to that, it is not the kind of marriage I want. He then told me "it was just a fantasy" and he was talking in the "Hypothetical." He then claimed he was drunk during our conversation and had taken THC, so want he said was just nonsense. So as painful as that was for me, I guess I got the truth, at least for myself, I believe my husband is gay or sexually attracted to men. However, he now claims he is not attracted to men, he only has a porn problem. But he loves me. Loves me????
And here is what is really crazy, I still love him. I guess, I always will. I wished I did not, because then it would not be so painful. I remember the man I loved, the one who took care of me, who was kind, and loving. And now, I see a broken man, one I hardly recognize, I see his betrayal, his lies.
So here is what I have done:
1. We are separating, I found him an apartment, he will move out , the end of the week.
2. I found a counselor who specializes with spouses who find their husband's are addicted to porn or have sexual issues.
3. I was tested for hepatitis A<B<C, and was OK.
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
Please help me, I don't think I can survive this pain........
Cindy
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
CindyS,
I'm sorry you're hurting; I'm sorry your spouse has caused such hurt to you.
You will need to continue to act self protectively. I would suggest that the next thing you should do is to visit a family law lawyer to learn your rights under the law. Also, open a bank account in your name only that he does not have access to or knowledge of, and keep an eagle eye on your finances/bank activity, so if assets start disappearing you can transfer half of the available money to your own account. If you do not already have an agreement in place with him over how money will be allocated and spent after he moves out, do that.
Given that you are the one who outed him by discovering his activity, and you are the one who forced the issue, and you are the one that demanded the separation and you are the one who found him the apartment, you can expect that he will not be in any hurry to move out or to divorce, and he will tug on your heartstrings at all available opportunities in order to return to the protective cover in a comfortable life that you provide him.
Remember that every time you see him will be a wrench to you, and will cause you to wonder whether this is what you want--of course it's not! what you want is the husband you thought you had!--and that he will be playing on, counting on, these feelings of yours.
So act self-protectively. This means you need to make him move out in one fell swoop rather than in a trickle, with excuses to return home at every turn, and it means that once he is in his apartment that you go as no contact as you can, because every time you see him you will hurt and will question what you want. In order for you to decide what to do and to heal, you need to be free from his interference, from reminders of who he was and from the trauma of remembering his deception--what he's done and for how long.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (April 1, 2018 8:20 am)
- cindys
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
OOC, thanks so much for responding. I have opened up some credit cards in my name, and a checking account. I need to establish credit in my name. We are both open about the finances, we agreed to proceed with the joint account to pay our bills.
I am really hoping that counseling and separation will give me answers. You are so right when I see him , it is hard, I want the man/ husband I thought I had. But when I am away from him I can see very clearly what kind of a man he is. I do have empathy for him, he is so lost, so broken. Very sad.
Thank you so much for your support. You give me strength.
Always, cindy
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Thread Starter- Count of Monte Cristo
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
It is sad isn't it? Sure sums it up. Sounds similar to where I am at in a way. I cant see her for it just hurts and you want it to be the person you thought they were but they just are gone, or maybe they were never there. It is all so insane. I have found that hiking and the gym has helped me. I enjoy photography a lot too. I am 5 months in and although it is better the pain is there. I find I am getting closer to my family, but at the same time finding being a single parent very challenging. Best of luck. This journey is not an easy one to say the least!
- cindys
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Count, I am so sorry for your pain, I understand. I also go to workout, treadmill, weights......it helps. I hope it gets easier. I got thru Acceptance, I know who he is now. So now I am holding onto to Hope. I just want to be happy again, I want my happiness, back. He has taken enough from me, give me back my happiness!
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Hi cindys,
it is good to open your own account etc, it is very likely he has already done the same. He has a long track record of being less than honest with you - the chances are it will be the same with finances so all I can say is protect yourself, my ex and I agreed to pay bills out of joint account and that all went fine except he was also siphoning money out of it into his private account.
I am 63 too, met my ex at 19. when I left I experienced instant peace, underlying stress dropped away I didn't even realise I was under. But it is very hard. Think about what it's like when the blood flow has been restricted to a limb and it goes numb and then you have to go through this whole process of allowing the blood flow to return (separation from GIDH) and then surfing through the pins and needles until it normalises again. Wish it happened as quickly but it doesn't it takes time. It is positive tho, I do feel like I started living again straightaway and painful but I feel infinitely better in some obscure way.
- Count of Monte Cristo
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Yes, the happiness part is what has been taken away. I guess I lived my life trying to please her and never could. I never came home to a made meal, or a clean vehicle or the lawn mowed or anything like that! Not trying to be mean, just saying it is sure nice when someone does something for you. Be careful on the finances. Mine is spending more right now and there is a joint account still. Eating out and shopping and even giving her parents gas money!!!! Wild!
- Lynne
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Delete post.
Last edited by Lynne (April 25, 2020 11:39 am)
- phoenix
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Cindy,
You are doing fantastic. You can and will survive this. The only way through it is to go through it. You do that one day at a time.. sometimes one hour at a time. Handle what you have to, but don't overwhelm yourself with stress. Don't stress about what you can't control or make decisions on today.
Find a support group. Do you have any close friends/family you can talk to? Now is that rainy day when you call in your favors and rely on your friends. Check out the SSN local groups if you are near any of the major cities.
Keep sharing here.. it's so helpful to write and journal your emotions and especially when you can share them with others who understand what you are going through.
Let us know how we can help.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- cindys
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Re: What Else Can I Do to Heal?
Update: Although I found him an apartment, he refuses to move out, says if he was in the apartment he would stop by to see me daily anyways. I told him I needed space and was hoping with separation and counseling it would give me answers I need. I realize it is his home, too, so I am now rethinking my plan.
I start counseling next week, since I travel for business I can avoid being home a lot. And if I can't manage it being at home, then I am going to have to be the one to get an apartment and move out. I am praying counseling helps give me some answers. I need to figure out, what will make me happy? Being alone or staying married. I am having a hard time, everytime I look at him I am reminded of the betrayal, of all his lies.
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