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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:39 pm)

I hope society does too, but sadly we live in a patriarchy where it's ok for men to take what they want, when they want. Divide and conquer as it may be. The victims are silenced by bullying and manipulation, coercion and rage, and a bunch of other stuff. 

​Just a minute ago he blew up at me because he's thinking of quitting his job and going to another company 'for us'. Oh and the new company's OC is in Dallas, where his favorite bar is. According to him, it's the only place where people accepted 'her'.  Oh his kids are in Dallas too, but eh...fuck the kids. They live too far from where the OC and bar are. He's, of course, more excited about going to the bar. 

I made one comment about the bar and he blew up. He started to spew a bunch of shit at me about how I am jealous of the bar and his friends and his social life. He said that I don't want anyone outside of us influencing him and that I feel threatened by people who were in his life before I was. He's angry that I can't be happy for him to get to go to the bar.  I was like wow! Now you're a mind reader and empath? UGH!

Now I've been to this bar and it's nothing but a bunch of drunk assholes who spend pretty much every night there. They never do anything, but go to the bar, drink, play darts and sing karaoke. I grew out of going to bars in the late 90's. He loves it cause he used to get dressed up as 'her' to go there and everyone 'accepted her.'

​Sigh....This, my friends, is narcissistic rage at it's finest. 

​Fuck this insanity. 

Thank so much for responding. I am so glad I decided to post here. I swear I had been lurking for months because there is no support for women like us out there. It's all geared toward the trans and accepting them and what  not. 

​Anyway..last night, it nearly happened. He blew up again and I told him he needed to do what he needs to do to be ok. Straight up. If that means leaving so he can nance himself up and what not, then so be it.  He started to yell again about how I don't accept him fully which is bullshit.

I do accept him. I, however, do not support transition as a way to deal with his mental issues, I will not call him by his female name nor use female pronouns when talking about him, and I do not agree with his 'ladybrain/feminine essence narrative'.  That's what's pissing him off so much now. I didn't realize it until this morning.

​I am being very dominant and stubborn in my refusal to go along with his fantasy and he cannot stand it!  hahaha...  Funniest part about this is he has asked me to dominate him (BDSM) in the bedroom, and I refused (hung up my leather and whips years ago).  BUT looking at this situation, I am being very dominant and strong when it comes to this issue. I will not relent and give into his fantasy and in true trans narcissistic fashion, he's getting mad cause he isn't able to bend me to his will. 

I don't look at it as you being dominant in the relationship - I look at it as you standing up for what you think and feel.  You're not telling him that he's not allowed to transition - you're telling him that you aren't comfortable calling him by female pronouns.  You're expressing how he's embracing something that you see as a mental illness, and you don't think that's healthy.  You're telling him that you don't think that being female (which you have a lifetime of experience with) is about the outward appearance, and that putting on a dress or even having a created vagina is going to make him into a female - which you believe to be about genetic DNA.  And you know what? YOU have the right to think and feel that way.  You're being honest with him about what you're willing and able to accept - and then HE gets to make the choice about whether he wants to continue on in the relationship without his needs being met.  He does not have the option of changing who he is, how he wants to live and be treated, and insist that it's YOU who has the problem if you don't want to go along with it.  HE changed the terms of the relationship, you get to decide how you want to treat those new demands, and then he gets to choose what to do with your acceptance or denial of the new terms.  What he's trying to do is make massive changes to the very foundation of the relationship, and then belittle you when you decline to meet his new expectations. The only way he gets to continue to act that way is if you let him.  If he were truly concerned about you, he'd lay out his desires and expectations clearly, and ask if you felt you could meet them.  He should offer compromise if the relationship is more important than his personal desires.  Or he should be honest about what he's able to do and what he isn't able to do.  Regardless, he should be calm and loving about the outcome - if you cannot meet each other's needs and wants, then it's time to move on like adults - without name calling, belittlement or toxicity.  The fact that he's throwing a fit when you won't accept the newly laid out terms means that he considers himSELF more important than you and the relationship.  He's seeing this as a personal affront when this is really about you wanting to be with a man.  He wants to be a woman, and you want to be with a man.  Game over.  He doesn't get to be ANGRY about that.  He led you to believe his desires would never escalate to this point, and now he's angry with YOU that he lied or couldn't live up to his end of the bargain?

It's a form of abuse - "If you loved me, you would do X for me".  Well, by those rules, if he loved YOU, he would stay a male and stop this female nonsense.  He'll claim he CAN'T do that - the pull to be a female is just too strong.  But he won't let YOU decide that you want to be with a man, and that THAT desire is too strong for you to overcome?  So it's okay for HIM to decide what he's capable of and willing to do, but it's not okay for you to do the same?  He lured you into the relationship under false pretenses, and yet it's YOU who gets to be the bad guy for not "accepting" him?  How about him being the bad guy for lying to you, or not knowing himself well enough to understand his own capabilities?  The entire thing is just bullshit, plain and simple.

Kel
 

You know what else I'd hit him with?  The fact that you told him up-front what you were okay with, and what you needed, and he told you he could be that man for you.  You made it very plain to him that whatever he's thinking or into in his own mind, that you needed a man, and he agreed to that.  Promised you that he wasn't going to go down the road that he's now traveling.  And he has the nerve to make this about you not accepting HIM?  How DARE he know what you want and promise it, and then pull the rug out from under you and then make it YOUR fault for not accepting him???  He's the one who changed things - you stated right from the start what you needed.  It's not YOUR fault that he either didn't believe you, can't deliver, or doesn't care what you need.  No matter how you slice this, this is about him being selfish with someone who was up-front with him about what she wanted and needed, and what she would and wouldn't accept.  He should have backed out right then and there if you wanted something he couldn't provide.  That's what an honorable person does - they say, "I wish I could be with you, but I can't provide what will make you happy.  And because I think the thing I can't provide is paramount to your happiness, and because I love you and want you to be happy, I'm releasing you so you can go find that happiness.  Because I don't want you being limited by me."  People can and DO do this all the time.  I've had men whom I've dated come right out and tell me that they usually play cat and mouse with women, but that I seen genuine and transparent to them, so they just don't want to mess with me.  Because they respect me too much.  (I have no idea what the other women they're messing with do or don't do that doesn't make them deserving of the same respect).  But did I stay and say, "That's okay - I'd prefer to stay with you and let you f*ck me over?  No!  They're honest in saying that they're not out there looking for a relationship, and they really don't want to hurt me, so instead of hiding that from me so they can take advantage of me, they'll just be straight with me and let me go.  These are men who didn't even KNOW me - hadn't made a commitment to me.  How much more should a life partner want to see someone they love happy?  Instead, he's just TAKING.  And when you two bump into something that you can't or won't give, he gets angry instead of seeing that he's pushed you too far, asked too much of you, worn you down to the point of not being able to give any more.  He gets you there, and then gets angry at YOU for it.

I probably haven't said anything new here I didn't really say in my last post up above.  But it just makes me angry that he's taking advantage of you and making YOU feel bad about not wanting to continue being kicked anymore.  As if anyone should ever want to be kicked in the first place.  I'm furious on your behalf.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 21, 2018 5:37 pm)