In reading past posts, it seems to me that the people who were able to find gay counselors had the most luck.  That would make sense as they can relate way more to what's going on and if they are good, might be able to see through any BS that comes up.  As Cameron has always said, there aren't a lot of truly bi people out there.  Eventually it typically goes to all in. 

You are in a unique position in that he came to you first.  That's at least a good start.

On the opposite end of the spectrum - I know a straight couple who went to marriage counseling.  Everyone but her knew he was cheating on her but no one knew her well enough to call her and out him.  And she probably wouldn't have believed any of us because he was one of those that everyone thought was perfect.  He eventually came clean (to his friends) that he had been misleading the counselor for FIVE YEARS telling her he was just stressed at work, he was too tired for sex, he didn't like people to touch him and he had no idea why and he wished someone could help him with that, pressure at work caused him to not be able to get an erection.  It was all BS.  He had no problem having sex with other people.  I'm not his friend anymore - my guess is they are still "working" with this counselor to help him through his depression and stress issues and his inability to like being touched.  All BS.

Joint counseling can really only "solve" one problem ... poor communication.  So if poor communication is the root of your marital problems, it can indeed be very helpful IF both parties want it to be successful.  If only one person is truly seeking improvement, it will fail.  And when the problem is a difference in sexual orientation, counseling can help both parties come to terms with that difference and discuss it more openly (again, only if both parties are willing to do so).  Better communication can be achieved but resolving the underlying issue is impossible.  Counseling cannot make someone be of a different sexual orientation.  It cannot make them feel differently about who they find sexually desirable.  It cannot help either party stuff their feelings of shame, hurt, denial, whatever deep inside or set them so free that the relationship can then continue unaffected.  And for those spice (plural of spouse!) who have chosen to act on their desires with others, TGT becomes a really confusing smokescreen.  Someone who has chosen to lie and cheat is an unworthy partner regardless of the gender of their affair partner(s).  Individual counseling to help you come to terms with your own feelings, needs, boundaries, and so forth is much better time and money spent.  Just my two cents.

jkpeace: "Does anyone know of anyone, ever, who benefited from couples counseling?"

I think you might want to clarify for yourself what you mean by "benefited" from couples counseling. You yourself said two different things - 1) that maybe counseling would help make a divorce go more smoothly, or 2) maybe this is just a wish that counseling can still make "this" (I presume you meant your marriage) work out.  Those are two very different outcomes / benefits. 

My dad did couples counseling, both pre- and post- marriage, when he was still a pastor. I remember once he said, couples never come into counseling saying their marriages are so good, so perfect, that they want to learn how to make it even better. Half the time when they came in for marriage counseling, they were really looking for divorce counseling and knew that was what was coming, but neither partner wanted to be blamed for the marriage coming undone. The couples who were able to work it out were the ones who came in with a shared goal, were sincere and honest about it, and were able to own whatever part they played... and even those often led to divorce anyway, once they were honest with each other.

The point is, to be clear on what you want from counseling. If you aren't sure about what you want, admit that so that the counselor knows that going in. Counselors aren't mind-readers, they can only work with what you tell them. If you are confused or uncertain, that IS your honest situation and he needs to know that. But if you tell him you want to prepare for divorce, yet secretly you want the marriage to work out, you are working against yourself, and against the counselor. It's okay to tell him you aren't certain what you want... his job is to help you (both of you) get clear on that, but not necessarily to decide it for you.

JKP:

Glad I could help. The statement as you wrote it will probably provide plenty of ground to cover, and the way you wrote it, states your dilemma clearly, as painful as it is.  Let's hope for both of you that your husband is able to do the same.

We didn't do couples counseling, so I can't say what might have happened in my case. But one thing my personal therapist had me do, early on, was to start journaling, which was new to me. Just one page at a time, once a week, what she called my 'reaction' paper. Write down and describe how I was reacting to our sessions. One of those times I came back with nothing written down, and I had to explain, "I don't really know what my reaction was, so I didn't know what to write about it..."  To which she said, "But that WAS your reaction."  The point being, sometimes the truth is "I don't know." 

That was an "ah-ha!" moment for me, learning to be okay with uncertainty, even to express it... I had to learn that sometimes clarity doesn't come to us until after we acknowledge the uncertainty.