"Whatever he is he is not into you" that should be.

What you said, below, Kel, is something to blow up to a big font size, print out, and put on the wall or refrig!

Do you feel loved, desired, cherished? Do you feel like he's into you? Are.You.Happy???  If not, then it matters little what the words are that go with his behavior.  Most women wouldn't be happy with their man doing only what pleases HIM in the bedroom - especially if those things are things that are NOT turn-ons for her.  Part of his happiness should be coming from making YOU happy.  Is that happening?  I'm not asking if you COULD be happy with the things he's doing to you and asking you to do. I'm asking if you ARE happy.  If not, have you expressed this to him? And what has his response been? Does he pull back and act differently for a while, and then return to the demanding again?

 

Thanks to you who write me like this.   I don't know who to tell not even my sister.  He says that everyone does this all the time and it is not so bad but IDK it's sad that he like that part of me better than my mouth for kissing.  So if I keep giving him my bum and he so happy but other ladies get kisses on the mouth and breasts area and girl privates too. I could tell him you must kiss me for 2 minutes mouth first before bum but then it's not the same as if want to. I tell him other men look at me different because it is true but then he says I cheat with men.  I do not cheat.

People in denial about who they are will often try to convince themselves that what they're doing is "normal", so that they don't need to put themselves into an entirely different category of individual that they don't want to belong to.  Once they've convinced themselves, they can pretty easily convince you - because you perceive it as them telling the truth.  And they are, in a way - because they believe it and it's their "truth".

They are also focusing on the stuff they like (online and in magazines, chat rooms, etc.), so the behavior DOES become normalized for them.  To them, everyone's doing it.  Well, of course everyone they're watching online is doing it - it's all they're looking up! If all you look up is anal sex scenes, suddenly everyone is doing anal. But that's just not true.  A bit of non-traditional sex is okay - as long as you're both comfortable with it and it's not the nuts and bolts of the sex.  It's just like a diet - it should have plenty of good old sustainence in it - lots of protein, some greens and grains, and a BIT of dessert.  If it's all sugar, it starts to corrupt your body - turning you into something unhealthy.  There's a fine line between enough and too much, but you know you've crossed the line for sure when you're starting off with just sweets for entire meals on a regular basis.  And that's what your husband is doing - he's trying to convince you that not only is paying attention to anal constantly completely normal, but that ignoring the typical stuff is normal, too.  It's NOT normal or healthy for you to never have your face addressed, but have one of your body parts become the entire object of his admiration.  You are an entire being.  And your entire being needs to be addressed - otherwise you are only an object for his enjoyment.  People kiss on the lips because that's where we connect as people - in our faces. We KNOW this - we kiss our babies on the faces all the time to show our love (along with taking care of them and meeting their needs).  It's instinctual that we kiss the faces of those we love and desire.  For intimate partners, it STILL starts there - and continues along from there.  He's skipping over all of that because he's not interested in connecting with you on that base level. He just wants what he wants from you. And that's bullshit, hon. Intimacy first and foremost is about connecting with someone on a very deep level. You can have "just sex" with someone and never connect with them.  If you're in a committed relationship with someone though, it should be about conveying your feelings to them in a physical way. It is NOT simply putting this part there.  That misses the entire point of intimacy within a relationship.

I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to require that he kiss you in this spot before he has permission to kiss you in this other spot.  If he doesn't want that on his own, it doesn't mean much to you. Totally get that.  I had that issue with my gay ex, too.  He'd made it VERY clear that he found giving me oral sex disgusting and terrifying. So what was I going to do - demand it, and then not enjoy it because it had nothing to do with his desire for me? It was pointless. Not to mention that someone who's not into something doesn't do it well anyway. I suppose it's possible, but it never seems to work out that way.

It's VERY much not a normal heterosexual behavior for a man to want/need to see and hear about other men in order to get excited for his woman.  Not.Normal.At.ALL.

YOU get to decide what normal is. We all do, really. You get to decide what feels good and right and whole to you. He doesn't get to define that for you.

What would happen if you told him that for an extended period of time, you wanted much more traditional, vanilla sex? That you wanted regular mouth kissing, him touching and kissing and paying attention to your distinctly female parts, and you wanted him to pretend the ass didn't even exist? What would he say/do? I bet he'd argue and throw a fit, and if you told him that's what you wanted for now or he doesn't get sex, he would just stay away from sex with you altogether. I say try it and see what happens.  It might be a very revealing exercise to see if he's ONLY willing to connect with a part of you instead of your entire being.

Kel