Rob,

Don't you dare back down on you rights and your time with your children. Fight it and do not give and inch. Your wife just moved out weeks ago.  There is no way that the children are even used to the custody shuffle.  How unfair to change it on them before they get a chance to even try. Your wife is a Narcissist and she will turn and twist your kids the same way she has done to you.  It is just who she is.  N's have a brilliant way of manipulating, charming, and using Judges, Lawyers, Counselors etc and making you look like the bad guy.  My N even exhausted my second attorney I hired just for the post-divorce custody and asset battles.  You and your professional team must stand your ground.  Your children need you.  No child should be parented solely by a Narcissist.  

Can you identify what it is that your LXW values more than the kids and more than the fight itself?  Because once you identify what that one thing is, then you know where to apply pressure.  For my XH that one thing was money.  He did not have any and when he had some, he only liked to spend it on himself.  Well, he would spend it on others, the kids and his new wife, but only to obtain/achieve what he wanted.  But when it came to having to pay for an Arbiters time, or medical bills, braces, etc. for the kids, or school well that was like putting the Great Wall of China in front of his devious path. That was when he stopped jerking me around.  A mere mention of an orthodontist visit would send him running from my front door.  I did not figure this out overnight.  It took me awhile, almost a year, to realize that this is what he values most and if I wanted him to back off I needed to make him pay.  So give it some thought...what is your X's achilles heal?   

Finally, start making your home a home for the kids.  Do subliminal stuff like bake a dozen chocolate chip cookies before their visits so your home smells amazing when they walk in the door.  Have a crock pot full of meatballs and sauce and spaghetti waiting for them.  Put a simple vase of flowers on the table.  Make their rooms cozy and comfortable and inviting for them. Plan a game night or a movie night.  Make Friday night with them pizza night. Paint one of your kitchen walls with chalkboard paint and let them draw family pictures on the wall with colorful chalk and leave messages on the wall for them.  These are the things my teens reminisce about.  Explore what would sing to your children's hearts and make memories with them.  It does not have to be expensive. One of my families favorite memories is making Christmas ornaments out of cornstarch our first year...little did they know I had no money for ornaments or that all of their gifts were from a second hand shop.  They unwrap them each year and talk about how much fun we had at the kitchen table making them. Do some Dad stuff with them. Some of my favorite memories with my Dad are washing the car together and having a water hose fight. Do a hobby together (I am learning ASL with one of mine now.  It is fun and we are creating a common interest). Continue to be present with them and honest and available. Start making traditions with them.  Start becoming a team (that team concept is from one of my counselors and it was good single parent advice, maybe the best I got).

I feel for your kids and the manipulation they are going through.  Stay the course and stay strong.  You matter and your relationship with them matters.  Time to get tough!

PS - How old are your children?  I did not realize you had a teen.


 

Last edited by WendiT (August 12, 2016 11:37 am)

Wendit...
Yes I don't like to share too much about my kids here but I have a older one and younger one.
I got the best deal I could for parenting time...not ideal but certainly not what her and the court parenting person thought..my lawyer made it clear the divorce would drag on for years if they wanted the court plan..
I'm trying the best I can with the kids.. The crock pot is a good idea cause I need to expand my types of meals.

Lake breeze,
My rain analogy is because my narc ex is the sole architect of my kids misery. There is little I can do about it..I can't fix it for the kids..only remain a stoic rock..a constant and consistent dad.

The truth though is I'm not the same person I was..im still bruised and battered. I still need no contact with her.  I hope someday they see a stronger and happy dad..

Last edited by Rob (August 12, 2016 10:49 pm)

Sue: I'm doing (virtual) backflips for you!!! keep that fire in your belly as long as it takes to get what is righteously yours, both financially, in terms of respect & freedom from your asshole X. It WILL all come full circle one day, especially with your children and frankly, they are the only ones who's opinion matters. Nod blankly to your ex, meek therapists & anyone else with their ego on full throttle, they don't mean squat in your new story.

I had a similar reaction & wakeup call this week after meeting with a lawyer. I arrived there so ashamed, scared & weak. I left thinking, "Fuck THIS! You are NOT stealing the next 25 years of my life in Bitter&Scared Land" I really have no clue how any of this will play out, but I will not be anything less than a fighting momma bitch.

Last edited by whatasham24 (August 13, 2016 4:24 pm)