My ex and I saw a parenting coordinator tonight together for the first time. We each saw her once alone last week. This is a person who is a licensed mental health professional and has completed training through the legal system. We are working with her to come to agreement on custody and parenting issues.

The hardest thing to hear my ex say when asked why he couldn't tell my 13 yr old daughter that she needs to respect me and understand I am her mother and we are a parenting team that she cannot divide and conquer, was this ... He said he could not say that because he cannot be sure that what I am doing or how I am parenting is actually something he agrees with or thinks is safe.

When I explained that I have no desire to get back together, have accepted what's happened, and want to be able to talk about our kids because it will be so much better for them if they see us getting along, I am told that I need to learn to parent on my own and not ask for his help. How incredibly condescending. I am not asking for your help jackass, I'm trying to communicate with you about our kids. I know how to parent. I'm doing the best I can as a single mother of three kids. You know nothing about being a single parent. I don't need your advice. You can keep giving that out to your patients while you can't see past the end of your own nose, you hypocrite.

Finally, I learned that my eldest had expressed suicidality to him many months back and he chose not to tell me. Because I am the cause of those urges. I was crushed.

I am treated over and over to a narrative in which I am the bad parent and always have been. I can't be trusted. I overreacted by experiencing grief, depression, and anger when my partner of 20 years announced he would divorce me, having never once mentioned it previously. Where is the narrative about the fact that he had a new partner within 6 weeks of leaving me, moved in with him, introduced him to my traumatized, shocked children, and lied to us all about his sexuality for years on end? Why does he always paint it as if he is the parenting professional, stable person in our relationship, and best person to be with our children? And also I was a horrible wife who was dependent and crazy, even though he never once mentioned to me in 20 years that he was unhappy, wanted me to change, etc.

I am so tired of this bullshit. I cannot believe the way in which he has turned his own unforgivable, horrendous behavior, his betrayal of me and our children into something that is my fault. I hate him. I so so wish I'd never laid eyes on him.

And I know why the narrative stands as it is. Because he cannot bear to think of himself as someone who shattered his wife and his children. Because he is that fucking weak. Still, it hurts like hell. I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. But I don't deserve this. Thank you all for letting me vent. I cried so hard the whole way home I could barely see. Then I remembered: Sue, this isn't true. You are not a bad mom. You are not a horrible person. You are a human being who was devastated by another. Your reaction and your crashing were so mundanely normal. Fuck him.

Soon there will be a check coming monthly and I will fight for every penny he has. His lifestyle is about to change dramatically. Just as he changed mine when you fired me as a SAHM, forced me to lose my home, and took my dignity. I will fight you until you are reminded just what a bitch on wheels is. You fucked with the wrong woman's life and the wrong woman's children. I will be cordial. I will continue to take the higher ground and work to show our children I am ok and healing. And behind the scenes I will make sure you pay me what you owe me forever.

And I will look forward to that day when our children come to the realization that what you did was not in any way ok. While I stood by them and took the punches because I was their safe person. Fuck you, you absolute son of a bitch. Karma will be my cold dish of revenge. And I will find true love, because I deserve so much more than the fakery and lies you served up. You almost had me believing that I was an awful, fucked up, hysterical, unbalanced mess, and indeed, always had been. But you lie. You built your entire adult life on a scaffold of denial and untruths. So why would you tell the truth about me? You are the fucked up one. And you can't gaslight me anymore. I won't allow you to destroy me or jade me. I see light at the end of this tunnel and will shout for joy the day I finally have my name back. I am a survivor. I am a good, kind, human, normal person. There is life after you and it's actually better than life with you ever was.

I'm rising. So watch your step.

Last edited by Sue (August 11, 2016 7:23 am)