DISCLAIMER - I'm going to give MY opinion on how GID relationships differ between the sexes.  I'm also going to generalize on how men and women think. Take it or leave it.
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My observation is that the standard narrative for str8 wives of GID husbands here is that they knew something was "off", they've asked their husband about it, he made her feel crazy or needy, and nothing changed. Then typically, the str8 wife finds proof of his desires (gay porn, online profiles / searches, evidence of having sex, etc.)  Despite the evidence, the GID husband won't admit to being gay.  He may admit to being caught, but then will say that it doesn't make him gay, or that he tried it and that lifestyle's not for him. The wives are left in limbo - not understanding if their husband is truly gay, and how the evidence fits with the words coming out of his mouth about who he is, how he feels about her, and how he wants to keep the relationship intact.  The str8 spouse's confusion revolves around whether or not she's fulfilling her husband's desires, and what she can do in order to do so and keep the marriage intact without becoming the sacrificial lamb in the process. The str8 wives have become so used to how they're being treated that they wonder if they can just be happy this way if they determine that they should.

The standard narrative for str8 men of GID wives is a bit different.  Men say that they were happy, and then the wife came to them to tell him that she thinks she's attracted to women, followed quickly (within 6 months or so) by the wife stating outright that she's figured out that she's completely gay.  The husband always thinks that the wife hasn't cheated. The str8 husband's confusion revolves around what they did wrong when they thought they were doing such a good job of loving their wife, giving her what she needed/wanted, and being faithful. They do not recognize the woman that she's become.

Men, when in love, just want to make their wife happy.  His happiness stems from know that he's making her happy. That means that he will do certain set-in-stone things in order to make her happy, and he expects that if he does them, she will be happy.  Things like providing for her, being faithful to her, protecting her, and loving her. He will try to give her relief from her stresses and he wants to support her in who she wants to become. Men understand cause and affect - they know that if they cheat, or don't provide for their family, etc., that their wife will not be happy.  But if they are doing everything right, what the hell happened?  They know that what they have needed from the beginning hasn't changed, and their wife has been doing those things (being faithful, giving him her respect, supporting him), and HE's happy.  What else could they have done? Where did the train go off the tracks?  This is why you always hear the str8 husbands saying how they've been good husbands.  It directly equates to what they think they needed to do to ensure the success of their relationship. They are telling you what they're thinking - I did X, Y, and Z.  I was A, B, and C. What happened?!?

Women don't think this way.  We don't assume that we can do certain things and have the man fall or stay in love with us.  We assume that he is innately attracted to a combination of our unique traits - our looks, our personality, our abilities, how we make them feel about themselves. This is how WOMEN work - it's how WE are attracted to our men, so we assume that's how this attraction thing works. We know that we must do certain things like be faithful, but any woman could do that - we assume he picked us because we make his pistons fire in a way that no one else can. We feel that if our husband remains attracted to us, we can just be ourselves and make him feel loved (however he personally desires that - cooking, sex, supporting his dreams) and we'll be good.  So when our husband doesn't desire us, we're devastated. It is paramount to the relationship that our husband desires us. We can do everything else, but if we don't have this, we feel all is lost.  So we spin our wheels trying to make ourselves into something that he can desire - by changing our looks, upping our game in some way (lingerie), or by giving him more of what he wants in the bedroom - even if we don't like it one bit.  We feel that him desiring us is Job 1, and we're not sure that can even happen if he's desiring men. So we chase our own tails trying to figure out just how strong his desire for men is - if it was at 100%, we'd know. But they never say it is - it's always just a curiosity or something they say repulses them.  So then we feel there's hope. We have no window into their desire, so we're lost. We feel that we are not enough. Not that we didn't DO enough, but that we are simply not enough.

You will see the differences play out in the language that we use. The str8 husbands are often told by their wives that they've come to the conclusion that they're gay - so they're delivered the end of the game, and wonder how they got here.  The str8 wives can't figure out the end of the game, because their husband won't tell them what board they're even playing on. So they look at who they themselves are and wonder why they're not enough.  You will see these same themes played out over and over and over again here.  Not in EVERY case, but in a large majority.

GID men will try to present themselves to the outside world as a good man - because if he can make it look like he's done the right things, then he thinks that others should think that a woman who left that has other things going on.  That she's done something like gone crazy, or gotten unreasonable, or cheated. That's why he's going around trying to make it look like he's been a good man and he has no idea who you are for wanting a divorce from him. Even men who act horrifically know how they're SUPPOSED to be acting - it's why they make themselves out to be that kind of good man.  That's why the GID husbands and the str8 husbands sound similar - because one group (the str8 husbands) are DOING the right things, and the other (GID husbands) are trying to make it look like they're doing the right things.  It's LIES, but they're hoping since no one has a window into their home that they can craft that image.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (March 5, 2018 2:42 pm)

Oh, for dog's sake, can we just not speculate on "men" as some homogenous group.  Men are genetically programmed to provide and keep the family together?  Yeah, sure, until they cheat.  And then you read earnest defenses of such behavior by evolutionary biologists defending such behavior and saying the exact opposite, that men are "programmed" to spread their sperm far and wide with as many females as they can.

  

 
 

JenS,
 You speak for me, too, in your post, especially with these two sentiments:  "take a look at ourselves and do the work to figure out what we can do in our own lives to be our best, healthiest, selves"; "I should have implemented boundaries with him sooner and gotten out..."  
  

Jen, I can delete this thread if you wish.  i think you made some interesting observations.  But if it has turned into a stress point for you I can remove it.