CindyS,
 I went today to talk to my stbx about divorce and about what to do with the house.
  He gave me the same bs about "communication," only in our case he's had two years to "communicate" with me.  He has twice subjected me to months and months of not talking about his desires and sexuality, and in the last two years has more than once said to me, "I know I need to communicate more." (He told me about himself three years ago in March.)  But today, he said, "our problem is communication," as if his sexuality has nothing to do with our breakup.   Or as if he is not the one who has failed to communicate--which he blames on me because, he says, he doesn't feel he can talk to me!  Me, who has been the one over and over to ask, how are you feeling, what are you feeling, what is going on with you?  Me, who for some reason I better figure out and overcome participated in his deranged sexuality.
  Don't buy into his baloney, cindys.  
  And certainly DO NOT engage in this pegging activity.  I did.  Not even when you're feeling weak and wondering whether your marriage can't be saved and whether he is what you have seen but can't believe he is.  I engaged in sex on his terms, and in doing so he got ever more selfish and self absorbed, and demanded more and more, and I grew ever more uncomfortable, until I revolted--really, my system revolted at all levels.  My mind said "his version of woman is antifeminist and misogynist" (my stbx wanted to act the part of a woman, he said, by which he meant "penetrated," as if that defines what woman is); my body said, "a dildo is not a body part, and my body cannot talk to his body."  And my soul (or what passes for it, as I am not religious) said, "this isn't intimacy."  
  I am in the same process of divorcing that you are, and I will file those papers in the next few weeks.
   I am 64.  You and I have a lot of life yet, and we will live it free from these damaged men.  They are not "wounded"; they are damaged, and cannot be healed, and they would drag us down with them into their damaged lives.  
  We will find peace.  And we will find happiness. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 25, 2018 10:15 pm)

Cindy,

It is such a terrible decision to make when one half of the marriage really is not invested in really facing open dialogue about the reality of the situation. 

Do you feel loved and understood?
Do you trust your husband?
Do you feel that you can get what you need from him now that he is obviously NOT giving you a clear and believable story about his sexual history?  The Hep B on one unlucky hookup....sounds a bit unlikely. 

I decided after 27 years that answering no to the above meant that my marriage was not viable.  Had not given me the intimacy that I craved on an emotional level for many years and yet I loved him and it was devastating to divorce. 

Still I struggle to believe that my husband who like yours told me he loved me and always will - has been vicious each time I speak with him the last three years and is now marrying a woman.  But she is making an open choice as he says he was bi curious and now after 20+ years of cottaging is going to marry again.... Jesus.  It is a mind fuck of epic proportions.  Be utterly selfish is my advice....He certainly is. 

It is scary and keep posting as it is wonderful to have this outlet for us all. 

Good luck!

More power to you cindys!

Cindys,

This is gut wrenching to me.  This is the type of things my husband said to me.  I was so on the fence and wondering if I was wrong.  He literally talked in circles to the point that I had no idea what was true and what was not.  I think you are so brave to go with your gut and leave (and trusting your gut is a huge thing).  You do still have life to live!  My father in law lost his wife (to cancer) when he was in his upper 60's and found love after she was gone.  You can too!   Everyone deserves to be loved passionately and you are not getting that from your husband.  Gay or not you deserve better.  I wish you the very best and since it is obvious you have a good head on your shoulders I am confident you will get it!

Cindy's,

I have no experience with a remorseful spouse...mine was intent on ending the marraige.

I often fantasized in the very beginning what it would take..she would have to give up all contact with her girlfriend (which she couldn't do)...but then what?  Come near me physically again?  Say she loved me?  But her words and actions were worthless. What proofs could she offer?  If she went out with a female friend would it be two friends shopping or a date?   TGT makes it so horrible and hard to repair. 

Take your time..but don't feel you need to suffer the doubt, anxiety and hurt forever..if you continue to feel that way...one cannot sustain living in that mindset forever..you'll get physically ill.

Wishing you strength, courage and peace