Thank you Sam

I would like to sincerely apologize for using that term

​It is part of a line from a movie that my wife and I occasionally use in a self-deprecating humor  way to describe ourselves (yes, I'm fat too).  

​Regardless of its source or purpose, it was insensitive of me at best.

​They say that a large percentage of communication is visual (e.g., facial expressions, hand gestures, eye movements etc.).  ​People tell me that I'm a good writer but I occasionally am guilty of using sarcasm, humor, and the such in an inappropriate way because of the absence of context or visual ques.  I need to work on that among many other things.

​No need to respond to this post.  I'll not be writing or reading here again.  This is your​ site and I am but a guest that has overstayed his welcome.

​I initially thought that I shouldn't respond but I didn't want you to think that I was an even bigger jerk than I am by not apologizing.

​Again, that you all for advice and time.  I did enjoy my conversations with you.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your journey ahead.

Again..sorry.

Goodbye,
​Gary

All of this really resonates with me.  I'm not mad reading this though.  My husband felt the need to lie (no idea if he cheated), but he did feel intense shame over being who he was.  He ultimately took his own life.  All of this is bittersweet to me.  I am heartbroken that I married a man that I thought was straight and was not and that he broke his children's hearts by doing what he did. Gary has helped me realize that I had no way of knowing.  I beat myself up for that all the time.  How could I not have known?  This makes me realize it was not me being "ignorant".  It is a thing that can be hidden.  The reason I am not angry is because I want the hatred toward gays to disappear.  Maybe if my husband hadn't been afraid, he wouldn't have taken his own life.  One of his friends said after the fact that he would have rather have murdered someone than to be gay.  I don't want anyone to ever feel like that.  Don't get me wrong.  I was not ok with TGT.  We had separated prior to him taking his own life.  I had finally figured it out.  The thing is that I wish that it had not been such a bad thing for him to come out.  I also wish it was not such a bad thing for me to speak up and get out of a marriage that was not satisfying to me.  If I had cared less about what other people think I would have at some point ended my marriage.  If he had cared less about what other people think, he would have ended our marriage or never married me in the first place.  I am sad for all of it, but here is the thing.  I am young enough (45, lol, but I still have life to live) and I am now free to find someone who can love me passionately.  I missed out on that in my marriage.  Everyone deserves to be loved with passion and so does your wife, Gary.  I think you should set her free.

hang in there, Count.

You will feel better in a while, promise.

saying it would be different if it were nowadays is a complete crock - yet another ooh it's not me to blame.

My ex is 66 years old.  When he was a young man he had all the support and every opportunity in the world to live as a gay man,  he knew he liked men, he chose not to tell me.

i have to say the distance of time is not lending enchantment to the view.  My ex looks worse and worse and I don't even feel like calling him to account let alone forgiving him.

I'm left with a dull rage now.  Like an old bruise.  Big and colourful but still settling.  It's unconscionable, the way he treated me.  All the while presenting himself as a husband to be loved.  

I feel more at peace, my life is not all about my ex any more and really a lot I have come to understand it was not my fault.  I was tricked.  That's only natural, it's the way we are, vulnerable to being tricked.  And that's okay.  There's a good side to it too.

wishing you all the best, Lily.

Hi Ellexoh,

I see no need to close the thread just because Gary isn't posting any more.  In fact it is good to continue the conversation without it being all about him - personally speaking I was very impressed at the way JenS in particular held him to account, but all of us really and I am still getting a chuckle from that pithy wise OOHC post about 'leading from the bottom'.