OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

Gary · February 19, 2018 11:25 pm

Wow. I didn't expect so many responses. Thank you all for your comments (yes, even the harsh ones!).

I thought I'd respond to everyone in one post rather than individually, so here goes.

First, I know this blog isn't the place for me and, as requested, I will not respond to anyone else's post. In fact, this is probably my last post since I only wanted to convey the message that many of you should not be blaming yourselves for your spouse's deceit.

How do I sleep at night? Good question. I do carry some guilt knowing that I was not honest with my wife at the beginning. At times like this I will actually grieve for her because she didn't deserve to be a part of my problems and I took away her chance to be married to a "real man". Generally speaking though, I have found some peace with my sexuality and I think my wife has forgiven me but she's never said so specifically. I think this would be very different if I had cheated on her but I haven't. At least my conscience is clear in that area.

Let me be very clear. I don't blame my wife for ANYTHING. I feel blessed to have this wonderful woman in my life. Yes, she is absolutely my victim. I don't deny that at all. She is not responsible for whether I am in or out of the closet. I should have never been in the closet to begin with but as I've said in my original post, I'm guilty of being deceitful, selfish, a coward. I don't deny or run from that either.

As for my response to my wife's statement, I'll stand by that. It was an involuntary response. I don't believe for a second that she meant any harm and I do believe that she said that as an act of love. She is willing to let me go rather than see me suffer. I am very appreciative of that and I love her for it. I've searched for a reason for my reaction and I've concluded that, for the first time, I realized that there is a possibility that our marriage may end soon and it scared the crap out of me. It still does. I can't imagine this woman not being in my life.

That leads me to the part where I respectfully disagree with some of you. I think I probably do "get it" more than you may think. I have thought several times over the past few months that perhaps I should end the marriage--not for my sake but for hers. I fully understand that I can't give her every element of marital love that a hetero man can give. I'm not sure how those differences play out as a practical matter, but I stole that from her and it was very, very wrong of me to do. It took me a long time to realize that but I know it now.

However, keep in mind that my wife didn't recently discover that I am gay. It was over 26 years ago and since I have tried to be the best husband and father I can be. Even my wife will tell you that. By the way, yes, I know I said bisexual back then and maybe it was true. Maybe it's true now. I don't even know anymore. I still enjoy sex with my wife, mostly because she isn't a very affectionate person and I'm just the opposite. It is our time to share affection with one another. But anyway, back to my point.

My wife had several opportunities to kick me to the curb. 26 years ago after my confession, she had a chance to leave me. We didn't have kids or a mortgage or even much shared debt back then so she could have easily walked away. She chose not to. A few times since then she has specifically told me that she wanted me to stay. Given these facts, I know you probably think it's my responsibility to be the one who decides if the marriage will end. I can see that point of view. It would be unfair for me expect her to do it. Even though it 's all my fault, I'm sure some family and friends would blame her if we divorce and she initiates it.

So why don't I call it quits? Two simple reasons: I don't want to quit and I don't believe she does either. I know it probably doesn't seem so based on her statement discussed above. But, as strange as it may seem, we have a very good marriage in many ways. I know, I know, it has it obvious dysfunctions, but it is true. We love each other very much, we make each other laugh, we never fight about anything (honest, it's true!...never). We are inseparable on the weekends and like to do a lot of the same things. We hold hands walking through the mall or down the sidewalk. Since the kids are grown, we've been taking little road trips to places we want to see. We have great times on these trips. Yes, once again, I know, I know, that's the definition of a good friend. But I think what we have is much more than that.

I know what's probably running through your head right now: "Well, why don't you just ask her what she wants?" I'm a coward, remember? I think I probably should ask her that but not while I'm in this awful depression. I worry that, once again, she'll tell me what she thinks I want to hear or something that is less than candid. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's a liar. I think out of an abundance of love for me she would do this. I want her to be honest and free from the influence of my depression when she answers the question.

Also, since the stock market went up so much, it has become possible to us to retire at 59 1/2 if we choose. She's been chatting happily about a new house, about the RV we're going to buy and the place we'll go in it. That doesn't sound like someone who wants to start over with a new man.

I think my biggest fear is that, since we're in our mid-50's and not in particularly good shape (we're both a little chubby, she more than me) that we'd just wind up alone and lonely separately. I couldn't bear knowing that I would be responsible for making her live what may be the rest of her life alone and unhappy..

Also, she didn't have a vote at the beginning of our life together. I certainly think it would be wrong to not give her a vote to end it.

Well, I've rambled enough. Thank you all for your time and good night. Best wishes.

Gary · February 19, 2018 11:38 pm

In response to the last post. My children know that I have a problem that I fight on a daily basis and causes occasional depression. They do not know that I'm gay but they may have guessed. I've struggled with how and when to tell them. I think I'll wait until they are little older unless something forces it before then (i.e., a divorce). they are busy building their own lives now so I don't want to distract them from that.

As for the financial situation. I agree that how some of the straight spouses are treated in this area is unfair at best appalling at worst. . In our case my wife makes twice the money I do and has a very large percentage of our retirement funds. I could not, in good conscience, take any of that money should we divorce. We're in a community property state but still couldn't do it. So, I would be the financial loser in our case. However, I do make enough on my own to lead a decent life but neither of us could retire at 59 1/2 as we're currently planning.

Rob · February 20, 2018 6:30 am

Gary,

I follow your financial reasoning...

It sounds like you treat your wife with some humanity..such was not the case with me...I have no experience with a compassionate or caring gay wife...the domestic abuse I suffered once she decided she was gay and only wanted to be with her gay lover knew no bounds.
Her abuse and cheating bordered on malevolent evil.

Despite your humanity I just want to say you're hurting her .. I could never hurt someone I loved and promised to love despite any physical urges. One is supposed to honor their vows..in this life and the next. Or why say the words...

Dee · February 20, 2018 9:29 am

I think most of us know, after years, sometimes decades of gaslighting, denials, blame shifting, and begging, that it’s not our fault. We were duped, as were our children, and our families, finances, health, and futures were stolen from us without our permission. Protecting their secrets were worth more to them than anything. So we don’t need your apology, thanks anyway. P.S. Take it from me, your excuse about your children aren’t doing them any favors, and I think you know that.

phoenix · February 20, 2018 9:44 am

JenS wrote:
The purpose of the Straight Spouse Network is to provide support for straight spouses in crisis who have discovered that their partners are LGBTQ. It's your wife who should be posting here, Gary, not you. I don't know what you are after, but it's not appropriate - in my opinion - for you to seek it here. An unbiased therapist would be better suited to serve your needs. And with this recommendation - I'm signing off of this thread. I'm out.

You are correct in quoting the purpose of the forum, but please note that we do not restrict membership to only str8 spouses.

phoenix · February 20, 2018 9:55 am

I agree, it would be great if she would sign up here so that we could offer her support. I fear though that she will not because she won't feel it's a safe place for her to post since her husband has been here before her.

Perhaps she might consider finding a local face-to-face group where she could find some personal and private support.

Lyonene · February 20, 2018 12:54 pm

Gary,

You say your wife "knows the truth" and yet "chose to stay". Are you saying your wife knows "I consider myself gay" (even though you seem to go back and forth with being bi, confusing) or are you saying your wife REALLY knows the truth?

Here's the difference. "My wife knows I toss around a gay identity because I have tearfully told her so." Vs. "My wife knows I look at gay magazines, jerk off to gay porn a couple times a day, cruise craigslist looking at ads, and have grindr and scruff on my phone/laptop to look at and chat on frequently. She knows I have a constant eye for men because when ones I like come on tv/movies I actually say outloud how good looking he is and what a fine ass that man has. When we go shopping and walk through the mall I give voice to what men I'm looking at. She knows when we have sex I think about my 27 yr old neighbor, Dan, and fantasize about him sexually in order to perform and get off. She knows I have a collection of dildos I play with regularly in order to satisfy myself. We talk frequently about the bath houses, clubs, and gay hookup events I would find it exciting to go to." Etc etc. This scenario even excludes any actual hooking up you've ever done and explaining to her what that was for you in great detail!

What kind of truth does your wife have, Gary? The kind of truth that is whole, detailed and unvarnished, or the kind that is a superficial nod in the gay direction? When it comes to decision making - what have you given her to make decisions with? Because the versions of "truth" we are all familiar with from closeted significant others, tends to be little to no truth at all.

Btw, sorry you feel some of this is harsh, the truth tends to be harsh when it's not covered in sugar to minimize impact and spin the weight of it. I can't speak for others here, but rest assured, my intent is not to be harsh with you. My intent is to be bluntly honest.

Kel · February 20, 2018 3:13 pm

Guys,

"The purpose of the Straight Spouse Network is to provide support for straight spouses in crisis who have discovered that their partners are LGBTQ". This statement does not say where the support comes from, or how it comes. We can and should accept support from gay spouses as well - so long as it's supporting us in our time of crisis and provides encouragement and compassion. Gary has done that. He came here specifically to tell us that it's not our fault, and to support us in not tearing ourselves apart while processing our situations.

Gary DOES explain his situation - which, if he hadn't, we would have asked about. He makes no excuses for his selfishness. He does give us insight into how he felt and processed his own information. This can be difficult for some of us, because we may feel Gary's humanity and have compassion for him in his situation, and some of us here don't want to do that because it feels like siding with someone just like the individual who's hurt us. It's understandable. And if you choose not to take Gary's support or insight, that's fine. But there is nothing precluding a gay spouse from being here and supporting us.

Gary's wife deserves support, too. But we cannot tell Gary that he cannot come her because his wife might want to do so. It's an open site. Gary's wife MAY already be here - or read here and not be posting. Or she may not feel like we assume should would - trapped. She may be perfectly happy in her Mixed Orientation Marriage (M.O.M.). Gary may be the one in more pain. There's no way to tell. But we should not assume that him being here means he's limiting his wife from getting the support she may or may not be seeking.

Gary, I personally find your story to be enlightening. It explains to us how you can start out truthfully - without poor intentions, even if they are misguided. It puts a human face onto being gain in denial. It shows us that it IS possible for a spouse with same sex attraction to remain faithful because they've promised they would. Which shows us that if our spouses aren't doing this, they are CHOOSING not to be faithful. That's very telling. It's what a lot of us straight spouses (at least in the beginning) want but don't seem to be getting - faithfulness. We know that we cannot erase desire from our spouse's mind - but for a lot of us in the beginning of this journey, we feel that if we had what Gary is offering and delivering, we'd be okay with that. It's later that we learn that even if we do have this, we will likely want more - we want our partner's desire for us, too. And to feel that we are fulfilling their needs.

Gary - thank you for your courage in coming here to offer us support.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (February 20, 2018 3:18 pm)

Duped · February 20, 2018 3:48 pm

deleted

Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 1:55 pm)

walkbymyself · February 20, 2018 4:06 pm

Well put, Kel.

Gary, your post makes this much clear: (1) you're trying to do the right thing; and (2) you are really suffering from severe depression. So what comes across, at least to me, is that you're looking for a way out of the depression, but that you want to do right by your wife. And to state the ridiculously obvious, these two things may be mutually incompatible.

I think one of the things I struggle with, being my age and in my financial position, is the sense that I have had my autonomy stolen away from me, and even when my husband is trying to be helpful -- anything he does that basically grabs the steering wheel of my life away from me, is counterproductive. My problem is not that I need to make the "right" decision. My problem is that I need to be the one who gets to make the decision, even if that decision turns out to be a poor one. I'm not sure whether that's something your wife would relate to, because her experience is different than mine -- she wasn't getting lied to and defrauded into marriage. But I think if I could give you ONE bit of advice, it would be that you need to respect her autonomy. Don't try to anticipate and guess what's best for her. Ask her what's best for her, and then try to respect her decision.

You said one thing that stuck out to me ... I'm wondering if something got caught in editing and didn't come out the way you intended. You wrote "I still enjoy sex with my wife, mostly because she isn't a very affectionate person and I'm just the opposite." I think maybe some text might have gotten dropped here, but I do want to respond to the idea that she isn't affectionate. My husband has always played the "stoic" guy. He always joked that he hates public displays of affection, and I always just took that at face value (before I found out about TGT). It's not just that sex was clinical, whenever we had it at all (which was rare, until it became nonexistent). He never wanted to stroll down the sidewalk next to me. He never put his hand out to hold mine, or put his arm around me when we were seated by the fireplace. Our daughter was always trying to get us to show more affection -- if we take a picture somewhere, my husband will put his arm around my shoulders for the camera, and then immediately withdraw as soon as the picture's done. So my daughter was always going "you guys are so cute when you do that" but I think by that she means she really wanted to see us treat one another romantically. I bring this up because I think your wife may be trying not to hurt your feelings, but maybe the issue is not that she's just not an affectionate person. Maybe TGT is a lot more hurtful to her than she's letting on.

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February 19, 2018 11:25 pm #11

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February 20, 2018 6:30 am #13

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February 20, 2018 9:29 am #14

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February 20, 2018 9:44 am #15

Re: A Message to the Straight Spouses from a Gay Husband

JenS wrote:

February 20, 2018 9:55 am #16

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February 20, 2018 3:13 pm #18

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February 20, 2018 3:48 pm #19

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February 20, 2018 4:06 pm #20

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