I am one of those awful gay husbands who married a straight woman.  I'm not using awful in a sarcastic or mocking way, but rather as a truth.  I am 54 yo and have been married for 27+ years.  I concluded many years ago that it was wrong not to tell my wife about me before we married and I have apologized to her on several occasions.  However, it has taken me 27 years to realize what a terrible thing that truly was.   I and others like me had no right to screw up the lives of our spouses.  Although my wife and I have a great marriage in many ways, I robbed her of the opportunity to be loved (among other things) because she is a woman and not in spite of it.  All women deserve that.  Perhaps a hetero husband would have been a horrible person and treated her badly, but she had a right to decide.  I took that away from her with my deceit and I have to live with that.  I meant no harm but I wound up hurting the person I love the most.

​I'm not here seeking absolution or sympathy.  I am deserving of neither and don't expect any.  I've done many things that I'm not proud of but I have not cheated on my wife.  Don't get me wrong, I'm no hero because of that.  I'm the same deceitful, selfish, cowardly, piece of crap that all the other husbands are.  

​So why am here?  I've been reading this blog for the past few months.  Each story is heartbreaking and rightly so.  However, there are some things that are said here that I find disturbing and shouldn't be said.  I'll get to that later but first perhaps you'd like to read my story.

I realized that I liked men when I was a senior in college although looking back, I can see the signs that existed prior to that  I would get a giddy feeling when certain roommates or other young men were around.  I didn't know it then, but I had a crush on those men.   A gay crush.  I wasn't about to act on my feeling for several reasons that are probably typical for most of us.  That would be AIDS (which was very bad in the mid 80's when I learned I was gay), religion, family disapproval, shame, and denial.  I couldn't be gay.  Not me.  I'm a Christian young man from a good Christian family in the Bible Belt.  In addition, I think my family would rather admit that their brother/son was a serial killer rather than a gay man.  Yes, I was too cowardly to face those things as I should have.

​So fast forward to age 25.  I meet my wife and we instantly become best friends, then lovers, and then we get married.  I'm still in denial through all of this. As a matter of fact, when my wife and I were dating I would even go so far as to stop at an adult bookstore on my way home from a date with her to buy gay porn.  It was always going to be the last time and since I was getting married I was sure that I could change my same sex attractions.  Wrong.

​After about a year of marriage I realized that my plan of changing wasn't working.  One night when we were in bed I told her that I was bisexual.  She was rather upset with me for a day or two.  Honestly I thought she had figured it out already.  Before that she would regularly make jokes about me being bisexual or cheating on her with another man so I was a little surprised by her reaction.  She said she would stay with me as long as I didn't cheat and so I haven't.  

​Fast forward again about 7 years down the road.  We have two kids, 6 and 3, and a mortgage, bills, etc. etc.  My sexuality is beginning to bother me a great deal.  I find a psychiatrist whom I thought could "fix me".  That turned out not to be possible, of course, so I sink into a deep depression.  Depression affects more than the person who has it.  My wife and I go through some tough times for the next year or more and then a social worker type counselor convinces me that I should get a divorce and live as a gay man or that I would never be happy and possibly commit suicide.  I initially agreed and went home and told my wife.  She and I began making plans to spit.  Very difficult.  As part of these plans we had to tell our families why we were separating and so I outed myself.  It did not go well but no one has talked about it in 20 years.  The counselor wasn't right but she wasn't completely wrong either.

​However, when Ilooked into the faces of my beautiful kids I knew I could not leave them.  So I vowed that I was going to raise my kids even if it killed me.  I got down on my knees and prayed to God that if he wasn't going to remove this burden from me that at least give me the strength to handle it until I raised my kids.  

​I took an antidepressant for a few years after that but eventually I found what I call a "happy enough" place and my wife and I settled in and concentrated on raising our kids together, building careers, and remaining each other's best friend.  I'm glad I stayed because I wouldn't have missed raising them for anything.  It was a great experience.  

​Fast forward again 20 years and in May 2017 my youngest graduates from college and begins her career.  The gay man in me doesn't let me forget my vow.  I had raised my children.  My job was done.  It was time to go live the life I was meant to live before it was too late.  The family man in me tells me "no!".  You are leading the life you're meant to live.  A civil war erupted within my brain.  It tried over and over to solve the conflict that exists within but there is no solution.  I once again sunk into a very bad depression complete with lots of anxiety.  My psychiatrist prescribed a new (but very expensive) antidepressant that at least seemed to calm the obsessive thinking.  It was less successful at fixing the depression and anxiety that still exists today.  I'm okay while my mind is busy but when it is at rest it goes back to try and solve the problem.  At the recommendation of my psychiatrist I saw a couple of psychologist for counseling.  They didn't help at all.

​My wife told me that if I felt that I needed to leave that she wouldn't hold it against me and we'd always be friends but that if I were going to leave to do it sooner rather than later so she would have time to find someone new as well.  That really messed me up.  I'd rather her say that she'd never speak to me again.  I can live with the former but not with the later.  Perhaps it was a loving gesture but I wish she'd never said that.  It opened the door to the closet and I haven't been able to get back in and close the door since.  Where we go from here I do not know yet.  I'm still committed to growing old with this woman but I don't know how long I can stand the depression.

​So that's my story.

​So what are the statements that are disturbing to me and shouldn't be said by any straight spouse?  Many of you say the same thing:  "I should have known."  "I'm so stupid for not being able to see the truth."  "My marriage didn't mean anything and I was living a lie."  Perhaps you're thinking that if you'd been a better wife then your husband wouldn't have left.  NONE OF THIS IS TRUE!!!!

​Ladies, please stop beating yourself up.  You are not guilty of anything but loving a broken person.  People like me were dishonest with you (and perhaps themselves).  Also I am of the belief that I married my wife for the right reason.  I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.  It was real.  It is real  Yes, I also looked at it as a cure for my homosexuality as well but I truly love her.  I didn't marry her as a cover or a beard or anything like that.  She was not and is not a placeholder until something better comes along.  I suspect your marriage started out the same way.  Enjoy your memories of when you first loved your GEXH.  That love could certainly have been genuine.

​I'm sure my few words here may not help much but I'm hopeful that some of you can take them to heart and begin healing.  My heart breaks for you and I pray only the best for you in the future.

​If there happens to be any young men or women with gay feelings reading this and who are contemplating marriage, I beg you, either do one of two things:  Break off the engagement (it's better to hurt them now then down the road when you've built a life together).  Option 2: at the very least tell your fiancé of your feelings.  He/she has a right to know.  You may just be screwing up both of your lives.  PLEASE don't go into a marriage without full knowledge of both parties.