I’m already alone, I’m just married and alone.

When we find out or spouse is gay/lesbian and we start to see our marriage and lifestyle as we know it fall apart, it is completely normal to fear the future and to fear being alone.  In this time in our lives we see only loss, damage, thing being taken away, changes for the worse.  Those things in our life are concrete and visible and easy to imagine being destroyed..  the house, the marriage, the bank account, the social network, the furniture and other belongings, the holidays and traditions.  These are real in our lives and they are about to change, so we focus on the loss of these things. 

But there is new life that will come in the future.  New perspectives, new relationships, new traditions, new hobbies, new freedom, new hopes and desires and new optimism.  These things will be real in the future, but you can't see them now.  They are so much harder to imagine.  Instead of focusing on these good things, we only see the bad.  

I use the analogy of being on a boat in a storm very often.  Imagine being stranded on a small boat in the ocean in the middle of a storm, being tossed around by the current and the waves and the blowing winds.  You're getting hit with blinding rain, it's dark and dangerous, life seems to be falling apart around us.  At this point, all we can see is the destruction around us because that's what is hitting us in the face.   But that storm is temporary and it will pass.  Beyond the storm lies new life.  After the clouds and wind and rain pass, the seas will calm and the sun will shine.  You will be able to see much further and more clearly.  There is beauty, peace, calm, new adventures, and joy in the future.  It's out there..   We just have to ride out the storm to get to this new place.   

So I encourage everyone to remember that even though we can only visualize the storm at this point, it's just a short time in our lives and when it passes there is new life.   It's harder to imagine the new life, because we can't picture it in our minds yet..  but it's there.  Try to have to optimism and look forward to what you will encounter in the future. 



Cindys.  I'm more than 18 months past D-Day and 15 months past divorce and separation.  I'm alone right now and have been for most of that time period, and I'm ok.  Turns out I don't need that love to be happy.  I'm happy by myself.  My life is completely different.  I have SO MUCH FUN.   I have new hobbies and new friends.  My house is a complete "bachelor pad" and I love it.  I have regular activities 3 of the 5 weekdays and I have been travelling (near and far) almost every other weekend.  Life is great!      Full disclosure.. i do miss having a partner in life.  My heart is full and ready to love someone else.  But my life is not bad because I'm alone.  If I never find another wife, it's ok.  I have God and my kids and my friends and lots of Joy in my life.    You will too..  give yourself some time to weather the storm and see what beauty lies ahead. 

I have got to pray for courage to leave. His manipulation and how he minimizes his actions continues. He makes me question everything. He says sex is not that important for couples like us in their 60's and usually couples only have sex 2 times a month......and he now wants to be intimate with me again. There is no way I want to be intimate with him, I no longer desire him or trust him. But he has me thinking that 90% of my life is great, we have friends and a new home and life is fun......so this little 10% of his deviant behavior should be no big deal. But I can't bury my head in the sand anymore.....I want to hold onto Hope that just maybe, just maybe I can find true love........


 

Cindys you mentioned before you were living in Paradise.
My defintion of Paradise is freedom-
Freedom from worry and doubt about the reality of your life and having the freedom to make it what YOU want.
My definition of Hell is the opposite-
Trapped in a constant battle of worry and doubt and being duped into thinking the person causing this doubt is needed to give your life what you want. 
Regardless of the perfect looking bubble another person helped us to build around ourselves...it's still a bubble. It can change form but bound to burst anytime because it lacks a solid foundation.
The best thing about starting over is you bulid your own foundation from the ground up with better knowledge of what a true foundation should be. It takes some work but it's the best way to get to real freedom. Then you'll get a better picture of Paradise. I wish you all the best my friend.

Dear Cindys:

A few years ago my family joined the Y.  The kids and I went in for our ID tags.  I was happy seeing the other families there laughing, swimming, taking classes.  I held out hope that we could join in for some of that family time together as well.  I invited H on a Sunday afternoon to accompany us so that he could get registered.  His response, "there is nothing there for me..."  My answer, "the kids and I are there, aren't we enough of something?"
His silence told me everything I needed to know.
I am and have always been alone in this marriage.  I matter and I will no longer stand for anyone in my life who treats me as if I don't.
If a marriage is destined to work, both people need to make an effort, both people must want the same things, both people must be from the same planet.
Be strong!  Life although no matter who  you are with will never be perfect, what we have now is really-truly broken.  No glue, duct tape or blinders will ever change the broken in this.
~Detour

Last edited by detour (February 22, 2018 9:54 am)