Please don't make the mistake of thinking that a therapist knows something that you don't because they learned someone else's sexuality theory and regurgitated it to you.  That's like saying, "Human sexuality is a confusing thing".  DUH.  Thanks.

We still know virtually nothing about homosexuality.  Hell, we know little to nothing about ANYthing unless we can see physical proof.  They can't point to a spot in the brain and be like, "see this wire? It's blue when it should be pink.  He's going to be gay".  There are some people who think that sexuality is inborn.  Others think that maybe it is or maybe it isn't, but it's not changable.  Others still think that while the urges might not be a choice, you can easily decide not to give those give in to those temptations.  And you know what? WE STILL DON"T KNOW.  Because we can't prove any of it.  So don't let your therapist act like without a declaration a our husband admitting to being gay that there isn't a grave problem here.  This is NOT like seeing one white hair on your head and wondering if it's just one hair or if going grey has started.  What you've seen is evidence that there is same sex attraction, it excites him, and he's feeding the hunger.  When you feed something, it grows.

The fact that he has other odd sexual fetishes is worrying some here.  Not because he's into diapers and hookers so much as because it shows that he is obviously very driven to satisfy his sexual desires..  And he will go to extremes (even dangerous ones) to fulfill them. This is a person who won't be able to deny his sexual desires forever just because he made a commitment to you.  Hell, he can't even do it for 3 months!  If he can't do this now, when the love and sex is still fresh and good and frequent, then WHY wouldn't it be more difficult later, after you settle into kids and parenthood and all the business?

I agree wholeheartedly with Cameron on this:  "If your husband genuinely felt comfortable with his sexuality he would have told you before getting married. If you were comfortable with your husband's sexuality, you wouldn't be here."  Despite the fact that he's telling you that it's not a big deal, hiding it means that he knows it is.  I have often used the "hiding" factor to determine whether my kids are telling me the truth or not.  One time about a year ago, we bought groceries and then two days later, couldn't find the loaf of raisin cinnamon swirl bread.  We eventually found it inside our 14 year-old son's garbage can, waaaaaay down under the other stuff.  My kid tried to convince me that he didn't think it was any big deal that he'd eaten all the bread - it's that what it's there for?  All his theories made sense until I looked at the situation and figured out that his "tell" was showing.  "If you didn't think there was anything wrong with what you did, then WHY did you HIDE it??"  And there I had him.  If it was supposed to be innocent, then why hide it?  We see this in little kids all the time.  Any kid who has no.idea that drawing on the walls with crayons isn't permitted is going to do it right in front of you.  When he's only doing it without you in the room, HE.KNOWS.  Some people try to make the argument that this is sexuality - we almost always keep that to ourselves.  Ummm, no we don't.  We keep to ourselves that which we think is unacceptable.  Maybe they don't view it as "wrong", but they do view it as unacceptable.  So he didn't tell you BECAUSE he knew you'd find it unacceptable - NOT because he thought it was no big deal.  That's a lie.

Sister, run like your hair is on fire.  You do NOT want to live this life.  Been there, done that, wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy.  You do NOT want to be tied to this man for life with children.  You do not want to have children that are likely to have a broken home some day when this increases.  Just leave now, chalk it up to a false start, and move onto the next race when it's time.  You'll be fine.  Thank God it was only 3 months until you found out the truth.  I found out after 16 years and 3 kids.  Much more damage done that way to all of us.

Run.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (August 19, 2016 1:49 pm)

@StillWondering....I did some research in my state (NC) and found this. It looks like there is no way to get an annulment  

https://www.rosen.com/divorce/divorcearticles/when-is-annulment-an-option/

 

Hi there. I'm in the same boat but a few years down the line.

Fantastic husband, kind, very good sex life. 8 years ago found a hook up site. He mentioned in his profile as bi curious. I confronted him. He made me feel terrible. Said he was just lokibg at porn and pictures. Based on the fact we were so happy together I wanted to believe him. I figured there may be an interest there but was sure it was just a curiosity. He was committed to me, loving, we were best friends. I then wasted 8 years of my life.

Fast forward to 2014 and I started to feel something wasn't right. He had an op and was prescribed medication that could effect his libido so the doctor gave him a scrip of Viagra. He never used them. They sat in the drawer. One day I looked and noticed a few missing. Then I kept checking. There would be 20 there in the morning. Then he would shower for work. I would check again and there would be 18. I knew he wasn't taking them for me. Things were OK in that department but the days they were being taken were days we were not having sex. The next week I found some in his shirt pocket when he leant over to kiss me goodbye. I went crazy started crying he told me they had fallen on the floor and they were in his pocket to keep safe and he forgot yo put them in the drawer.

He refused yo talk and went off to work. When he left I began searching. Found a secret email account. I found hundreds of emails, meetings, names dates and addresses of men he had been hiking up with. Dating back at least 5 Years.

All if that time we were intimate very regularly, he was so happy, we had wonderful Vacation's, bought a second home and planned our future.

I confronted him. Initially he said he had gay tendancies when young. He wasn't sure why he did it. Said he didn't enjoy it said he could take it or leave it. It was funny how he only admitted details when I had evidence. First he said it was just online. Then when I gave him dates and names he said it was just talking. When I relayed extracts of him asking if they would use a rubber or saying how wonderful their first kiss was of how he enjoyed their session. He then said it was just a hand job or two.

I went into devastated mode. He then slowly began yo retract his admittance. Said it was not for sex. Enjoyed the meeting and talking. Said he had thought about it and it was really just for friendship as he has no male friends. When I asked him why he has sexual contact with these men he said " I followed through with it as i wanted them to like me more"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite all this we remained together. He swore he would control it. Said He loved me more than anything and that he wanted me. Said he would do whatever it took to make us ok.

At the time I guess I could accept his sexualuty as  long as he was faithful and committed to me. I wanted it all to go away and naievely believed that we can all be attracted yo someone else but we can choose to be faithful. He left the ball in my  court. Said it was up to me. He wanted to stay but would do what I wanted as he knew how hurt I was. I forgave him and set the ground rules down that if I caught him again the that would be it. No discussion just his stuff outside the door. He seemed so happy. Was wonderful. Booked us a vacation. 8 months later I found another 3 dating sites and he had met up with 4 different people in 3 weeks and was arranging to meet more.

I'm back in limbo mode and numb to it now.

My advice is that it just escalates. It will never go away.

Big hugs. I know how hard it is to go. But staying gets makes it so much harder in the long run.

Thank you. I am trying. Every time I am so devastated. I seem to want to make it all OK and have it go away. I got to the point where I felt like I was drowning. Wasn't sure I could even go yo work. He just gives me space. Carries on like normal. Not really affectionate. Says he is waiting for me to decide and that I need to male my mind up as we can't go on as we are.  I'm so low when it happens. When I start acting normal again he acts normal. Loving, not cold. At the time it was like a lifeline.  Suddenly if i was acting like everything was OK I got my life back. But its a sham. I know it is. I just don't seem to be able to cope with the thought of the alternative.

Found out this week that he is back online.  Even after the last time and false promises yet again, he is back to his old ways and carrying on like butter wouldn't melt. Yet another hook up site. Offering his services with full frontal naked profile pic.

I'm just losing years but can't seem to get myself out of this situation.

I will get there, I know how wrong this is and I'm under no illusion that he will change. I just can't seem to accept the changes I need to make.

Well, I did it. I told him today I had made my decision and that I couldn't be with him anymore and that I want a divorce. I finally said it flat out to him. I feel so many things...sad, angry, hurt...then I also feel a sense of peace and hope - it is really strange. I have to wait 10 more months in the state I live in before I can file the divorce papers. I have a long road ahead of me