Ca3128 - Although same-sex marriage is now legal, and many people are much more supportive of gays and lesbians than they ever has been, there's no upside to being gay compared to being straight.  Objectively and logically speaking, no one would choose to be gay instead of straight.

So....when your man says things like, "I wish I didn't like the porn" and "I don't want to be this way, it makes me ashamed of myself," that is a not-straight man wishing he was straight.  It's wishful thinking (like dreams of winning the lottery) and it's probably not the kind of foundation on which you'd want to build a marriage.

Same-sex attractions are permanent.  If you want to stay with your man, you certainly have that option, but be clear-minded about it - you're making a commitment to a man who is - and always will be - sexually attracted to other men.

At this time of crisis it's relatively easy for one or both of you to dismiss the attraction as "just sex" or "no different than being attracted to other women."  In the beginning, yes, it can be that simple.  But in time, it's certain to become much more complicated.  Do you trust him?  Does he authentically desire you?  Those two questions alone can easily devour your marriage. 

Also, most closeted not-straight married men are so closed down (because that's how they stay "straight") that they live in a permanent state of walking depression.  In time, they suck the life out of their wives and their marriage.  That depression plays out in all kinds of ways, often deeply affecting the wife's self-esteem and creating all kinds of other problems within the family.

It's hard to turn on a dime and give up on a man you love and who you know loves you.  But if you think that's the only option you have, you're putting too much pressure on yourself.  A more gentle option would be to give you both some time and space.  I suggest taking at least a three month break from each other and then see how you feel.

Hi CA! I'm very sorry that you're here on this thread, but I'm sure you'll find a lot of the support you're looking for.  I've been lurking here for a few years after finding out the same thing about my partner of 4.5 years, except he crossed all of those lines and cheated on me with numerous men behind my back.  In my opinion, your husband has just taken one bite of the poisonous apple but will be back for more.

You're young just like I am, and as others have pointed out, this is great because we don't have decades of enmeshment with our partners nor do we have children to worry about. 

The most shocking question you asked is whether you can make it work.  I say shocking because I have asked this exact question numerous times, and it's always been to my detriment.  In hindsight, to see another ask this question jars me. Can you make it work? Possibly, but it'll most likely end with either one or both of you being miserable, and no one wants or deserves to live that way. 

Just tonight I wrote a post about my story, but I've been visiting this site for probably 3 years. To make a long story short, I was duped as well by a very unassuming gay/bisexual (I still don't know what he is), charming man who still tells me he loves me and wanted to spend his life with me.  Unfortunately, before I found out he was cheating on me, or was GID, he gave me HIV.  That was the most horrific experience of my life, and I do not wish that on my worst enemy. Not only do I now have to deal with his infidelity, manipulations, lies, and deceit, but everyday I also wake up with a constant reminder that he stole my life from me and my decision to choose whether I wanted to date a man who had previously slept with men, among other traumatic thoughts.  So, I consider your situation unique. You have a chance to run from this man, regardless of how much you love him or think he's a good person, before you have permanent ties to this man either through children or unwanted, incurable disease. At the very least I urge you not to turn a blind eye to what he's told you like myself or the other spouses on this forum have.  Sincerely understand what he's telling you and don't be naive.

He has told you his truth, and will most likely act on it at some point in your marriage, whether it's tomorrow or 30 years from now. Only you know what's best for you, but right now you have a perfect opportunity to really assess your life and how you want to live the rest of it.  Do you want to constantly be worried if he's checking out another guy while your on your anniversary date? Or worry if he has or will ever cheat on you? For me, both of these thoughts became obsessive and completely detrimental to my physical and mental health.  From my position, although you likely can't see it through the pain, you have a gift and need to thoroughly think about your next steps.

I wish you the best of luck and am sending you big hugs. I understand how hard this is.

Last edited by selfrenewal (August 15, 2016 2:47 am)

Ca32128,

I think Cameron1 is a bi or gay man who was married to a Str8 woman.  He answered your OP above.  His perspective is invaluable. 

Cameron, I apologize and am very sorry I don't remember exactly how you identify.  I just know I am always so happy to read your posts.

WT

ca23128 - I'm wondering about your husband's age.  If you read enough posts here you'll notice that many marriages lasted 20+ years.  That's not coincidental.  It's around that typical mid-life crisis time of mid-40s to late-50s that many of these marriages collapse.  For most men in their 20s and early 30s, maintaining sexual interest in anything that moves is easy.  Then comes total pre-occupation by both spouses with kids.  Once the kids are in their mid to late teens, that's when all the submerged personal and marital issues begin to bubble to the surface.

About men and porn - as a general rule, men don't look at porn and fantasize about forming great emotional connections with the actors.  The draw is the visual.  Because that's a gender-based attitude, when straight men look at gay porn, what they see themselves getting out of it is the visual -  "It's just sex."  That attitude can change with age, but more often what happens is the visual isn't enough any more and the cheating begins.  This is why so many men believe they are straight and hook-up with other men - they see meeting for sex as an extension of their interest in gay porn.  "It's really the same thing, only I'm 'experiencing' the porn in person." {A good example of pretzel logic, btw.}

Here's the thing about emotional attractions that we all know but seldom think about --- it's totally normal and natural for men to love other men and for women to love other women.  We love our dads, brothers, friends, etc.  Women love their moms, sisters, friends, etc, too.  Being open to sex is what makes romantic love different than fraternal love.  So....when a "straight" man enjoys gay porn... then takes it a step further and starts meeting men for sex... he stays straight until he develops an emotional connection to another man.  Then he's bi.  And those bi men stay bi until they develop a deep emotional connection to another man.  Then they're gay.  Self-identifying gay men don't need to experience masculine love to know they want it, but for lots and lots of other men, they can't imagine it until it actually happens, often, when they don't expect it.

All this said, I think the key thing for you to know is that age can make a big difference in how same-sex attractions are expressed, and, same sex attractions ALWAYS leave the door open to same sex cheating, and subsequently, same sex romantic love.  Nothing is inevitable, but when the gravitational pull of same sex attractions begins, the pull only gets stronger as time marches on.  This is why staying with your husband is much more risky than either of you realize.

To answer WendiT's question, I identify as gay.  I dislike the bi label because, from a practical point of view, it's almost a meaningless term. Who and what you think about when you're aroused and alone...THAT describes your sexuality.

Last edited by Cameron (August 15, 2016 7:37 pm)

When people talk about open marriages what are they really describing? A marriage where the spouse with same-sex attractions is free have outside sexual relations AND the straight spouse can have sex outside the marriage with the opposite sex?  Probably not. I think that more often the spouse who wants same-sex action gets what s/he wants and the straight spouse is expected to be satisfied with whatever is offered within the marriage and to join a group, find a hobby or self-pleasure.to get by.

Even if both can step out what happens when one of the couple fallsfor an outside partner? Both may include the third person in their relationship openly and describe themselves as poly-amorous but if relationships are difficult between two people between three is harder. And four?.
,
When it takes other people to prop up the relationship at what point does it become not worth propping up?