ca,

What he's neglected to mention to you (about being "grey" on his sexuality), IS a big deal.  He's acting like it's no that and the gay porn are no big deal because he's hoping that if he acts that way, he can convince you to look at it the same way.  He knows it's not little, or he would have admitted it to you a while ago.  If it's nothing, then why was it hidden?  We hide things that wer are ashamed of.  Things that we think others will see and change their opinions of us on.  Heck, some people hide porn altogether, because they've either been conditioned to think that it's wrong, or they know that the people in their life would see it that way.  So when something is hidden, it's automatically suspect as MEANING something.  The people who hide it KNOW this.  Don't let them convince you otherwise.  Again, if it truly was no big deal, then he would have been doing it while sitting right next to you.

There are a ton of different weird fetishes in the porn world, and people are embarrassed that sometimes what turns them on is weird.  But they could logically convince you that they're looking at something weird because it's...... weird.  I remember doing that in the 90's with fisting - watching a video someone showed me, because it was something I'd never even thought of before, much less had seen.  I watched it and then I'm not sure I've ever seen it again.  It doesn't excite me.  I have no intention of doing it or having it done to me.  I was curious, I learned what it was, and then I moved on.  Repeated watching would mean that it excited me.  But it still wouldn't necessarily mean that I'd need it to climax.  If that started happening, then I've got a problem if my partner isn't into fisting.  The problem with gay porn is that you can't be a man.  And so when you learn that he's excited by men and watching it repeatedly, then that directly competes with being excited by a woman.  There's a big gaping chasm there in what excites him and how you can do that to him.  And that's the problem with the gay thing - you're not a man.  It presents problems when he's excited mostly by man and you're never one.

I'd cut an run.  Before you have kids and things get more complicated.  This stuff grows, it never shrinks.  The older they get the more driven they seem to be to embrace it.  Or at least stop embracing anything that doesn't feel authentic.  At 31, you are NOT too old to have kids.  Really now, that's kind of terrorizing yourself to think that way.  I had a child at 33 and still felt very young at that time.  If I wasn't sterilized when I met my second husband, we could easily have had another baby.  Our daughters are STILL trying to get me to think about it, and I'm 46!  I'm glad we didn't have more kids, because now that they're all teenagers, I want to move onto travel and relaxing in my older age vs. starting at the beginning again.  Besides, our oldest is 21 already.  GIven a few more years, we can have grandbabies to hold, and then send them HOME for a good night's rest.  Ha ha.  My point is that 30's is not too old.  Hell, 40's is still good nowadays.  Relax on that point - it can still VERY.EASILY happen.

Kel

It's the same, time after time.  I too found a website on our computer that was "accidental", it was a pop up.  No, it wasn't. Then after I found gay porn again I received the "you're black and white and I'm more gray" speech.  It's like these guys have a playbook they read from. It does get stronger as they get older and no, they can  not stop.  My ex told me over and over he could stop.  But he never did.  I understand why people with kids want to try and put up with this but for me, with no kids I was out of there.  Even at that it still took me about four years of wasted time and effort.  I tried and tried.  I believed him when he said he could stop.  I believed him when he said he'd never do it again.  I believed him when he said he was more gray.  Then the dildos started arriving at my door and I happened to be home for the delivery one day.  oops.  Guess he counted on the fact that I was usually at work during the day.  He also ordered a strap on for one of them - to "involve me".  No thanks. The next one was flesh colored complete with veins.  The next one had a suction cup on the bottom (I'm assuming so he could back it up against the shower tile).  If this is the life you want then hang in there.  If not then cut bait and get yourself back out there.  I'm 43.  I'd kill to be 31.  It's all perspective.  I'd like to say, it's also not bad out there even at 43.  There's more to choose from than you think, you just have to get out there and try. 

You're actually in a very good position.  There are no kids, 20 years haven't been wasted, there is no reason to hang on to this for the sake of trying.  Don't throw good time after bad.  It may not be the answer you want to hear, but it's the truth.  Take the gay part out of it...he's been lying to you about something very big.  Whether or not he was scared of the your reaction doesn't matter.  Is this how he will react to every uncomfortable situation?  Just lie to her?

This first part is the worst.  You'll get through it and things will get better.

http://www.voy.com/86426/

This is the link to the str8s voy forum support group. Remember that it is public, so if you need some anonymity, make up a name.
 

Thank you all for all the advice and different perspectives. I guess I am struggling because he has never told me he even thinks he is gay. He said he loves women and I've seen him get turned on by other women on TV and stuff. He has never asked me to do anything kinky in the bedroom to his rear or anything and we have always had a good sex life. He told me the porn is as far as it goes - he has watched it and liked it. I think this is why I am so stumped. He has always been good to me and shown me tons of affection and made me feel special. I never noticed a single red flag about him being bi or bi-curious..hes is pretty much a mans man. Loves football..drives his truck - literally I did NOT see any of this coming.  He told me he told an ex girlfriend about it, and I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said he was afraid I would leave him. Does all this really mean he is flat out gay? I'm not going to lie, I'm holding on to any hope I have that this could work...but when I hear him mumble the words to me "I wish I didn't like the porn" or "I don't want to be this way it makes me ashamed of myself" its like a dagger to the heart.....I just don't want to look back with regrets that I should have given him a chance. Every morning I wake up and feel like I'm in a nightmare! The hardest part is he tells me how much he loves me and that he isn't going to look at the porn anymore....Ugh! 

Dig deeper really look at his cell phone Google history favorites and really try to get into his e mail look at deleted messages try to recover them it's so hard and sickening but do not have babies with him it's just that much harder and they don't change because of babies.I managed to find e mails dating back 8 years. He was doing this long before I met him he drives a truck is manly so good to me great sex everything but he's been on gay porn and has an account on cl m4m