Dear ca,

Good for you for listening to your gut and your intuition.  It was obviously screaming at you. There is no good time to find out your partner/spouse is into men (and other women). 

The fact that he was never planning on telling you this is a HUGE deal and a breach of trust.  He did not tell you because you probably would not have entered into marriage with him if he had told you the truth and that is a HUGE deal. HUGE!  That type of game playing and dishonesty is not going away.

Cut and run. You deserve more. There is an authentic real life waiting for you outside of his closet.

(Check out Daryl's post entitled: "You are Allowed to Leave" on this Board).

Welcome. I'm so sorry he has chosen to deceive you in this way.
You came here, I'm assuming, for advice. Here's mine: find a lawyer. It is quite possible that you can file for a legal annulment. He's gay. Period. Gay trumps all. He didn't have a choice in his orientation. He did have a chance when it came to the deception and the betrayal. He CHOSE to "cheat"; whether he's actually been with a man or not (and I strongly STRONGLY suspect he has been, before and after the marraige), he CHOSE to spend time away from you, on his phone.

You can't fight this. You can't change it.
He isn't the man you believe you love. He's an imposter. He's an actor. He's the person he needed you to believe he was for his own reasons. You love an illusion.

As stunning as this truth is, it is a huge gift to you. Many str8 spouses have irrefutable proof and their husband/wife continues to deny the truth. If you truly love him, you will want him to find his own happiness. I prayed that I would die in my sleep when my husband of nearly 30 years told me he was gay. Of course, I didn't. I loved him with every part of myself. It takes effort to unlove, to uncouple. That said, I learned eventually that I never could do or be for him what he needed and he could never do or be for me what a str8 woman deserved.

I met someone at 47. We have been together ever since. We were married 5 years ago this week.
It CAN happen, but not until you love yourself more than you love what you thought you had.

Find a therapist, if possible. You're in shock. For now, breathe, breathe, breathe. Distance from him as best you can; whatever you do, DO NOT try to be his therapist. It isn't your job. You can't fix him because he isn't broken. It is critical that you separate orientation from behavior. One has nothing to do with the other. Not all gay men choose to marry; chose the lie over authenticity. Those who do, my former husband included, are an insult to gay men who choose otherwise.

This is akin to a death. You will grieve it in the same way. The emotions that are part of the grieving process are critical to your ability to move through the healing process.

PLEASE protect yourself legally, emotionally, financially, physically. I'm not sure how specific he was with his confession, but I would also recommend that you be tested for all STD's and insist that he do the same AND you stop having any kind of sex with him until you see the results. If he has EVER been with any other man, he has risked your life.

Am I trying to frighten you? Absolutely. It is precisely what I would tell my own daughter. You matter. You deserve more. Until you believe it, I'll remind you of it.

You're not alone, not any more. We get it.

Patti in CA
 

Ca.......I'm also very sorry you have found your way here but thank God its earlier than later and wasting any more time with this cheater and liar than you have to.  Even as I say these words, I feel mean but I've also had to step out of the denial stage and accept him for what he really is.  Above all, they use, use, use and who wants a marriage with someone who is NOT committed to you and your future.  I'm having to uproot my whole life, a home I own and probably return to the work force after I left a very successful job.  Not able at this age to return to the high paying salary and career that I love....Please read as many posts as you can here and this will make some sense to you.  They all have the same personality behaviors/patterns/traits and you'll see it all in these posts.  I don't even know HOW I came across this site or what I might have searched for but so thankful I found it....you are young, very young, believe me....I retired 3 years earlier, depend on him to help with the expenses of running a home and now that lifestyle will come to an end....bc of what?  Someone who used me as a cover bc he couldn't come out and be truthful, took 10 years of my life living a total lie. I'll work through the anger phase but will get past it....

He says he's looked at it, got off to it and thought about it. You are rolling the dice that he can make a commitment to you that will last indefinitely. In the meantime his "grey" won't go away, possibly leading to you always wondering if or when he will get past his fears to go scratch that itch. The other possibility is that you have to accommodate to make it work and keep doing so. First websites, then pics, vids, chats and who knows how far it might escalate in order to satisfy his urges? Now take the gay or bi out of the equation. What would your response be if it were hetero hook-up sites he was browsing? Be kind to yourself and mindful of your future. 31 is just a 'youngin, you have lots of life to live, make it awesome.

Your question if people make it work, yes they do.  I am 36 and have 2 kids I found out only 5 months ago and this was the first forum I found too.  If I had been told before kids I am not sure if I would have chosen to stay but for now I am.  If you're husband is bisexual and is open to you and honest I think you have a chance.  Why don't you try couples counselling together and give it a bit of time for you to both figure out what you want?  Do a google search for Mixed Orientation Marriage you'll find out more information about it.