Sheri,

When it comes to counseling, you have to look at what the point of it is.  If you go to couples' counseling, the purpose is to work on you as a couple - meaning.... to work on the relationship and make it better.  The purpose of the counseling is not to help you figure out what you want (whether you want to stay or not), but rather, to have you each work through your needs and discuss how they can both  be met in order to make the relationship work.  It means what you've decided is the relationship is the single most important thing, and you are both willing to put in the work that it takes (read: sacrifice) for the sake of the relationship.  There are two deciding factors here: 1) whether both parties really DO want to do the work (vs. making it look that way by simply going to counseling), and 2) whether both parties are capable of making the changes necessary.  When it comes to The Gay Thing (TGT) and the level of acting on it to the level you've already seen, I would suggest that the answer to BOTH of those requirements is NO.  And therein lies the crux of the problem. If there is no possibility of fixing this, then it's just postponing the inevitable, and making more pain in the meantime.  Let me explain.

If what a gay spouse really wants is to work on any issues that crop up as roadblocks in their relationship, then they would have come to you already with the problem - you wouldn't have found the evidence on your own.  It would be presented as "Hon, I've got a problem, and therefore we've got a problem to solve".  But that didn't happen here.  AND if what they wanted was to be faithful and true to their commitment, then the cheating wouldn't have happened at ALL, much less on an ongoing basis, and with deceit and lies and some gaslighting to cover their tracks.  Let me give you an example from the straight world.  You work, and you find yourself attracted to a coworker.  But you don't tell your spouse, because you can't figure out how that would do anything but hurt them, and you don't have any intention for this to get to any dangerous point.  And then one day, you go out for drinks after work in a group, and the last two people left are you and your coworker.  You find yourselves alone in a booth, drunk.  You kiss.  Whether you go further or not, you've got a problem.  You SHOULD tell your spouse that you had a momentary lapse in judgement and made a bad choice.  So that you can have openness in your relationship and work on any issues that made you open to the advances of another in the first place.  Many people don't do this, but do freak out a bit and realize how close they came to destroying the relationship they care about, and so they don't tell their spouse, but they take very strict measures to ensure that they're not in that dangerous position again.  Including either telling the coworker that it was a mistake, apologizing for the momentary lapse in judgement, and making sure the two of you are NEVER out together alone again.  You stop all flirting, avoid any personal discussions, and make sure that you're not dressing up for them every day or giving them glances in the hallway.  BOTH of these remedies are taking measures to ensure that your relationship with your spouse thrives and is protected.  Continuing to see the coworker, or flirting with others (whether online or in person) and attempting to hook up with others is NOT a "mistake".  It's intentional.  It's a decision that is made on an ongoing basis.  You CHOOSE to continue this behavior.  You do it knowing that you're not being fair or honest or decent to the person you've committed your life to, but you think you won't get caught.  You don't stop for any reason other than they find out, threatening you keeping that relationship and having all the other outside fun you can have.  You are having your cake and eating it, too.

THAT is what your husband has done to you.  I'd say he did not come to you when the issue (same sex attraction) reared its ugly head, but it already had long before he met you.  He knew, and he INTENTIONALLY kept that information from you.  So he lied right out of the gate.  He got you under false pretenses.  And he kept doing it until you married him.  Then he figured out how to keep you and STILL do what he's been doing all along.  And he's not just talking to them.  The site is called "Personal Encounters".  It's not called "Chat with a Friend".  It's INTENDED for encounters.  And he's HAD them.  I know you think there's no way to truly know that, but let's just say that after reading hundreds of these stories and seeing them unfold over time, they are always meeting on the sly.  They are hunting and catching what their heart's desire is.

I would recommend that you go to personal counseling.  It will help you untangle what's good for YOU - what YOU want and need.  Let him go to his.  Maybe it'll help him untangle his web so that he can see his truth.  Because his truth is that he's gay, and unfaithful.

Kel

The counseling thing for us was useless.  He told three different therapists (who claimed to be experts on gay issues but were not) whatever they wanted to hear to convince them he just "had a problem".  Well, what exactly IS that "problem"?  I spent thousands of dollars on therapists trying to pin down that problem by discussing it with someone who was lying to them.  Lying to himself too.  When it comes to therapy, garbage in = garbage out.  At the first session, based on his history, they all thought he way gay.  After several sessions with each, they all said: he's not gay, he loves you sooo much, he just has a sexual problem.  Well of course that's what they thought - he fed them a line of BS a mile long and they ate it up!!  Crocodile tears and all.  Meanwhile he's heading home from each session to surf more man on man porn and order more dildos.  No, this is not a "problem".  A problem is when you can't function - not where you get so turned on by men that you call it a "quick release" so you jerk off to that over and above anything else.  You can't therapy out the gay.

As for telling his family.  I did eventually let it slip to one of his sisters while we were still married.  She said she couldn't believe I hadn't left his ass yet.  It's  a slippery slope though.  If you're close with his family then maybe.  My situation with his sister could have easily gone the other way.  It could be a source of support or it could bite you in the ass.  Only you know your relationship with them and if they would be supportive or defensive. 

By the way, I meant legal counsel. Forget counseling with a liar! It doesn't work but just drains your energy. Tell someone you can trust, whoever that is. Wait on telling all your family unless you are sure they will only support your decision. Most people have a very hard time fathoming that this is even possible. 

Sheri, I'm so so sorry you are going thru this shitstorm, on top of all the other stressers n your life right now. I sense you are an intelligent, strong, determined woman. Don't let yourself believe that you are not that woman you were 2 years ago. You STILL are, you're just feeling vulnerable at the moment. The only blessing I can see is that you have not put in 20-30 years like some of us (me included). It gets more & more difficult to stand up for yourself, especially as a stay at home mom, but you haven't been stretched so far away from your true spirit & it could be a little easier to pull yourself together & show your babies how you will fight tooth & nail for them & GET SHIT DONE!! 

I wouldn't tell his family just yet. Get things started & on a clear path with your lawyer first. He may go ballistic that you've outed him, and who knows what he'll do as a retort in terms of finances, support etc. I'm holding off until I'm well along the separation & divorce path. Believe me, it's killing me to not tell his family (who've always treated me like I'm not good enough for their hard working, loyal, upstanding family favorite..) Not only has he told them a pack of lies as to why we are divorcing (they've all dropped communication with me & my kids), but the self righteous, in denial, narc GID has installed SPYWARE in my home!!! Trying to either get some dirt on me to balance out all his filth, or listen in on conversations to see what my moves are) So he has gone from feeling sad about the divorce (sad about being called out on his shit more like), to being the cruelest, devious pric I could imagine. I can't believe how they just get more & more EVIL the further away from being hidden they get. So my point is, do not assume your husband will act like XYZ, based on your knowledge of him, or what each person says here. To assume his next move would be dangerous for you financially & emotionally. As others attest on here, Get your ducks in order, don't show your cards until your lawyer says its ok, look out for YOU & your babies first & be as gentle & kind to yourself as you would be to your best friend if this was happening to her.

Remember how strong & smart your babies' mother is. Big Hugs to the 3 of u.


 

whatasham24 wrote:

I don't think I will ever trust another man again. Seriously, If *this* guy can do such a switcheroo, anybody can.
 

whatasham - he did not do a switcheroo, he was always this way but never needed to show it. It's very typical for a narcissist to react like this once they lose their control over the situation. The sense of entitlement, lack of empathy, exploitative behaviour, all very textbook. Regaining trust may be one of the most difficult and common things we all have to deal with in our future relationships. It is not easy, especially while still dealing with the immediate situation of a non-straight spouse. Time and distance help but once you know the typical traits of the narcissist you begin to see that not everyone is like this. Here are a few links that might help, there are many more out there others might suggest.

The disorder - http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

This one is especially useful while trying to extricate yourself from the abusive relationship - http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/angerandconflict/a/Divorcing-A-Narcissist.htm