Hi Sheri - I'm sorry you find yourself here but you've found the rest of us who have lived what you're about to start living.  I'm glad you found us. 

Yes - that's usually how it starts, finding something on a phone or computer.  That's exactly how it started for me.  I was using our joint computer, the only computer we had, and went to check my bank balance.  Unfortunately for him he had gone to a site that was very similar in name to Chase apparently and when I typed the C and pressed enter (because it always prepopulated Chase for me) I got something very, very different.  A pic of a naked doctor standing there with an open lab coat and a stethoscope and his schlong hanging out.  I'll never forget it as long as I live.  He was able to convince me that it was a pop up from a regular porn site.  Way back then (early 2000s, pop up blockers weren't invented yet).  Sure enough, I tested it out and pop ups did leave a tracker in your history that would prepopulate the search bar as you typed.  So...problem solved.  Or so I thought.  About 6 years later it happened again.  But this time it was every where.  Day after day in our history of gay porn, men giving blow jobs, sex, anal, you name it.  It was like time stopped and I felt like I was rushed through this worm hole back to me sitting at our old house in front of that old computer and him explaining it away and I was like OH HELL NO, he's been lying this whole time.

Of course, being the manipulative creatures that they are, he was able to convince me that he just looks at everything, women, men, it's just sex, he's more "gray" while I'm black and white.  On and on.  I decided to buy it and another year passed.  Until I told my best friend.  She had me go look at the computer he traveled with and sure enough, there it was.  How could I have been so stupid to let another year pass and believe him.  Then the dildos started to arrive at our door.  I began to see that this pattern was becoming uncontrollable for him and it was less of a pattern and more of what his daily life had become.  I  never got any cold, hard proof like a M4M account he signed up for but after 10 years of this marriage I had finally had enough. 

The good news is that in just a few minutes  you learned what it took me six years to find and 12 years of wasted life!  Some of us here, even longer.  20, 30 years.   I know that sounds like shitty news, but trust me, it's good.  Now you just have to let it sink in a while and then start to decide where you want to go from here.  That's where we can help you with some of the paths.  We know from experience that he will never stop.  He might get better at hiding it but he's unable to stop.  So you need to decide if you can/want to live with that elephant in the room.  If not, start to put your ducks in a row slowly.  You said you just quit your job.  Can you go back to the same one?  If you left on good terms they might still need to fill your position or something similar.  If not, then start looking.  You have the time to hold out for a really good job. 

As for him - you will get conflicting opinions here on what to do but that's OK.  The beauty of this site is that you can listen to everyone's experiences and then decide what works best for you (even if it's that you want to stay for now).  In your situation I see that he's already lied (typical).  If it were me I'd lay low and try to gather as much information as I could.  Save it in different places or it will be found and deleted.  It's not just that you might need it for a divorce, it's that you WILL need it to convince him to stop the lies.  You will need to convince a very good liar that you already know.  There are also some schools of thought here (which I also agree with) who will say: who cares if you can show him your proof, tell him to piss off just because.  While I agree with that and the fact that you've seen enough to walk out the door, I know it makes it harder in the long run because my ex would call and call saying "you have no proof and why are you breaking up our marriage".  No matter how many times I found gay porn or pics of his dick or dildos delivered to our front door, it was never enough proof for him.  I eventually had to use the method of just saying, it's over and it doesn't matter why. 

So - as you can see, you have a lot to think about.  It's a lot to process.  It will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. 

Dear Sherri,

Welcome. I too am so sorry that this is happening to you and I am sorry that it is happening at a very vulnerable point in your life. This is a time where you should be experiencing joy and getting support in the care of your newborns.  My XH blew our marriage apart around the time my second child was 3 months old.  My theory is that the GIDH can ratchet up his M2M activities once the wife becomes isolated, a caregiver, and dependent.  So often we read here the Straight Spouse just moved away from family to a new state or country, just gave birth and became a stay-at-home mom giving up her job after years of supporting the family.  It is a common theme and I am so sorry that it is happening to you. You are not alone.  It has happened to many of us.

For your own mental and physical health you have to assume that he has been having M2M sex and most likely he has been doing this for a long time.  He is having sex with men and he is not monogomous.  He may not identify as gay in his head but if he is meeting up with other men for sex on the Down Low, he is gay.  Most likely whatever you know is just the tip of the iceberg.  I am sorry.  Therefore it is imperative that you go to your doctor and get tested and stop having sex, unprotected or otherwise, with you H.   

I know that doing anything in addition to being a mom right now is like climbing a mountain.  But try to take it one baby step at a time. As one of our members always says: Assemble a professional team to support you (Doctor, therapist, lawyer).  Go to a divorce lawyer and find out what your rights are.  This is really useful information you will need to make informed decisions for you and your children.  It is always important to get this information sooner than later and it is more so given that you have a child with Down Syndrome.  

I am a firm believer that you should do all this background work in secret.  Your H has known for a long time that he is gay.  Operating in secret is second nature to him.  He has been preparing for you to "find out" since the day you went on your first date.  Get your ducks in a row without him knowing.  Be smart for your babies and for yourself.  Start thinking about what is best for you and your children.  Start putting the three of you first.

My heart goes out to you.  I did not leave until my kids were 3 and 4 years old.  It was hard but living with a GIDH on the Down Low was harder.  I hope that you have loving family and friends that will support you and I hope that you are in a financial situation where the legal system will provide for your child's support and needs.  Keep reading and posting.  Call the SSN again for a referral if they have not gotten back to you yet.  

Hi Sheri,

I'm so sorry you find a need to be here.  But you're in a place where this has happened to others too, and we understand and have walked your path.

There is no easy answer to what you're going through.  And that's because the answer you want (and understandably so) is for all this mess to be just a big misunderstanding, and life to go back to what you thought it was and wanted it to be.  Unfortunately, that's not an option.  And that's because you see clues that he is not who you thought he was, and your desired outcome depends on him being that person.

Even without knowing your husband or your relationship, I can tell you with certainty that he's lying to you.  He's lying about all of it - the "not knowing how the Craigslist M2M stuff was on his phone" (he's hoping that you trust him enough to believe whatEVER he says, including dumb stuff like that which no one else would believe), to the "I've never met any of those men whom I'm interacting with and sent nude pics of myself to".  Men are not like women - as a matter of fact, gay relationships are notorious for going from meeting to sex at the speed of light.  Think about it - it's usually the men in a male/female relationship who are trying to advance to sex.  The women are the ones who put the brakes on.  With two men, you have two people who are putting the moves on, and NO ONE to put on the brakes.  So not only would your husband be out there to get what he wants, but so would the other person.  Even if your husband were just curious, the other person is going to put pressure on.  The likelihood of nothing happening is practically zero to nil.

Straight men just aren't curious about other men's bodies.  At ALL.  Ask any straight man you know - he'll tell you that no, he's not into gay porn, men's bodies or chatting with them about sex.  The ONLY reason they do those things is because they are excited by that.  The fact that he's telling you that he has a low libido and then you find out that he's chasing others around (even online) tells you that something is very wrong.  Men who have what they want don't chase other things.

NONE of this is a reflection on you.  He's gay.  He decided to get married anyway.  Maybe he is afraid to come out - to others, or even to himself.  Maybe he just likes the traditional family thing (complete with kids), but it doesn't scratch his sexual itch.  It says NOTHING about you except that you are an understanding, loving person who believes her spouse because you trusted him.  But at some point, the words are meaningless because the proof is there.  And hon - the proof IS there.

For some reason, The Gay Thing (TGT) can often come down to you putting most of your focus on trying to figure out if he's really gay.  In your case, it.doesn't.matter.  If this was all done with women, you woulnd't be trying to figure out where his sexuality fit in - you'd know that he was a lying cheater who has betrayed you and your children.  He's that person - PLUS he's into men.  Being gay doesn't mean you're entitled to go off and satisfy those needs even if you're married.  He's in a committed relationship and that should have stopped him from doing this.  It didn't.  It's not going to.  He is willing to betray you in order to satisfy his own needs.  That's.who.he.is.

The hard part is deciding what to do with the information.  It's not always easy to do what we want, even once we figure out what the hell that is.  But that's your first order of business.  Realizing that what you've found is serious, and deciding what you want to do about it.  The liklihood that he'll be able to act straight and be faithful are virtually non existent if he wasn't able to do that during a time of honeymooning (the first two years) and babies and even extreme medical issues.  If he has time during all that to do this, then he WILL find a way.  He has.  He's shown you who he is.  Believe him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (August 9, 2016 12:46 pm)

Hi just wondering if any of you went to counseling with your husband's? He's telling me he will do whatever it takes he's got a problem and wants help?