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Is He/She Gay » She is questioning, what are our chances? » Today 5:46 pm

lily
Replies: 5

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Blackie563 wrote:

The thought of losing her, my best friend in the whole world make me physically ill to my stomach. I've not cried so much in my life in a 24 hour period. 

Hi Blackie & Bertuccio,

I think a lot of us experience these high states of anxiety when we are presented with the possibility of separation.

at the time I thought it was because I was grossing out on the gay thing, I barely had a thought in my head all I could think of was getting to the sea for a swim, I was staying under the shower for ages and ages and then this point came where I stumbled out of the shower and drying off I was thinking either I am going to vomit or I am going to cry and I started crying and that felt a bit better.

sorry to say it but I now believe it to be due to what was under the carpet, in the basement, what was at the back of my mind, unspoken unacknowledged unnoticed papered over, sunk deep into the swamp - unwittingly, unknowingly, I was facing up to a feeling of fear at what he might do should I rock the boat.

My best friend was actually more like a fair weather friend.  ie when things were going his way.  

When we were separating I told him he was a wolf in sheep's clothing, he laughed and drew a cute picture of a wolf in slippers under the Christmas tree for me.  

It can be an awful shock to wake up to the reality of the person we got married to.  



 

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » Yesterday 6:04 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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thanks Victo, it is scary but they are commonplace.

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » Yesterday 5:58 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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The trouble is the GID male and female is at an advantage - no blinded by love for them, they can be discerning in whom they pick.

You tend to find the nicest men and women are caught in the worst marriages - married to people who deliberately picked them for what they could take from them.

We come crawling out of these marriages only to discover the line up is the same - there was this one guy, I already knew he was gay, I thought we were striking up a friendship rather than having any thought of dating - and I had just been telling him how awful it was being married to a gay man when he asked me out.  I think you'd do better to find a boyfriend, I replied - sheepish grin of acknowledgement but no shame.  So, so much for friendship, that was the last I saw of him and I was not sorry about that. 

At 67, still affected by falling in love and losing him in almost one breath, what's ahead of me now is not so much dating as to plan for my old age.

 

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 6, 2022 5:09 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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again Elle, I have a different take on the anger thing - it all comes down to the person, and many of us have said that feeling angry gave us the strength and energy to save ourselves.  Certainly that was my experience - feeling a good clean rightful anger can be challenging but it is creative and can really help.

And anyway, what you're feeling is what you're feeling - it's what you've got on your plate.  Meditating to in effect disassociate from your own true feelings is not a long term solution, it is a useful tool in the short term for sure.  But over the long haul it is to lose touch with yourself, isn't it?  Certainly, that was my experience.

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 6, 2022 3:04 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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fascinating how far back the lies go, mummy mummy where do babies come from - the stork brings them, from under the cabbage patch.

why so many lies, romantic love, family love - sexuality is at the heart of our existence.

falling in love with a real man after a lifetime married to a real bitch put me into rainbow country - it was overwhelming.  the real thing, laughter and tears, sunshine and rain - hugely atmospheric.



 

Support » Limbo » August 6, 2022 2:25 pm

lily
Replies: 16

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Look sorry for being the old cynic but here you are worrying about can we be friends - spare a thought for how much money can you get from him because I bet he already has thought long and hard on the subject before he said a word to you.

Support » Limbo » August 6, 2022 2:04 pm

lily
Replies: 16

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Limbo is a common term, feeling stuck is another - it is a real sensation and if you are a straight spouse then it has been there from the moment you hitched your wagon to a gay star.

How bad is it? - gets worse with time, not better no matter what you do.

Authentic - you ask what that means in another post - it means not being in limbo land.  I have failed to remarry but I do not have the feeling of being in limbo any more.  

Support » Gay Spouse Dating » August 3, 2022 5:22 pm

lily
Replies: 8

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The most beneficial long lasting thing you can do to help your feelings is have a lawyer who has your back and can make sure you get everything you are entitled to.  and then go for it, every dollar, every teaspoon that is yours.

Nothing can change how badly he has affected you and you might have to wait years for any sort of outside validation other than from reading here.  But your question is great, helping yourself cope and what I have found is little things help me with my feelings a lot of the time and with time it is to feel new friendships forming and that feels great.

 

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 3, 2022 5:01 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

....hah I knew my comments might come across a bit harsh. I meant no offense. And I'm not telling anybody to stop feeling sorry for themselves, or to stop being vulnerable and showing who they truly are as one who's been hurt the way we are. But we all know getting through the Mindfuck is like the storm the member Roo talked about, with a quoted phrase from (can't remember!....but I will find it and post it) It talks about getting through the storm, out the other side and being a different person. And how you do that is to a large part determined by how you treat yourself, how worthy you see yourself, how strong you can make your resolve to come out the other side a better person.
What's done is done, we can't change the past. 

(can't remember!....but I will find it and post it) Found it! “And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain, when you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” ~ Haruki Murakami ~
 

Elle

Elle, I don't think any of us would have taken your post as harsh, it still comes across as caring tho I dunno that Victo warranted being told to pull his socks up seeing as he is lightyears ahead of us - he's been dating.  

an old quote - plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose - the more it changes the more it stays the same.



 

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 1, 2022 5:48 pm

lily
Replies: 39

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well I have a very different take on it, Elle - first of all it is only natural sensible behaviour to ask why me, what happened - you're fighting for a better future not wallowing in it.  And that is what I make of Victo's posts.

and if you've got a good nature you've got a good nature and nothing you can do about it.  It has lots of good things about it as well as the vulnerability.

I think I've learned better only to be caught again - my last was a man who I paid hundreds of dollars to for landscaping and he was work shy - anything difficult that involved muscles or digging he avoided.  No idea of gardening and wouldn't listen so I have had to undo the rock work he did and redo it myself.  after paying him to do it.

So I reckon I am better just acknowledging I am the way I am and do what makes me feel better, however little, however small it weighs in the scale.  

I am totally with Victo on this one - everybody gets told they have to be the good guy, well fine say that to the not good ones if you want to, oh that's right they're not listening, it's the good guys who are.

I've lost count of the number of times I have been told that users and the used go together.  You know what?  I can see why people think that, it is so prevalent.  And the blame shift is that the person who has been used feels like they need to change.  No we don't.  The user needs the person they use but the used doesn't need the user.

Far from it.  Imagine what it would have been like if I'd had a nice landscaper.  a big plus and no negatives whatsoever.  Ironically I thought when I hired him that he was a nice man and that he understood gardens and we would work well together.  And here I am, still got a few boulders to move that I will need a bit of help with and completely gun-shy over hiring anyone.  

But I do have his mattock.  It's been very useful.

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