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Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 17, 2021 1:15 pm

MJM-

So you can relate to the devastating loneliness of being in a ‘marriage’ with absolutely no physical affection, not even a hug, and the feeling that you are living with a roommate, not a spouse. I am truly sorry that you can relate to that. I am certain that like me, you cried yourself to sleep in the same bed many nights just longing for some reassurance that you were a person deserving of love and affection.

I made the wrong choice to stay for two reasons - I believed at the time that he was a good father and I never believed he would cheat on me. I see now that although he did a lot of good things for our daughter, that he also -  probably subconsciously - tried to brainwash her into always choosing him before any other individual to assuage his own insecurity.  As for the cheating u believe it has happened before, and likely is what triggered his abrupt ‘loss of sex drive’. He denies it of course.

He said this week the only time he was ever happy was when our daughter was born. But we ALL struggle with mental illness. I was on disability for depression for 7 years! But during that time I forced myself in to treatment, was honest with my loved ones about what I was going through, and worked part time to supplement the disability income. My point is I have had more unhappy days than happy ones, but I never would have retreated in to a dark hole and let myself decline so badly that I would make a selfish, devastating choice like he did. There are lots of people in in-patient psychiatric care and I am guessing that the vast majority of them would not do so either.

STBX still claims he ‘doesn’t know why’ in response to all of our questions. I simply hope he is being honest about doing weekly therapy and working on figuring out the ‘why’. He needs to fix himself.

Unfortunately my years on disability as the family’s income earner destroyed us financially. I make a decent salary now but it is a paycheck to paycheck existence. And now I

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 16, 2021 4:54 pm

Long Way,

Thank you again for your inspirational words. You are right about my needing to look in to my own feelings and trust my instinct. He has not been a good husband to me for a very long time now and it is time to look towards that future you mentioned. I know it’s going to be very tough both emotionally and financially but I think it will also be freeing.

You are right about my daughter’s fiancé - he is a good man and has been hurt by this so much. I am trying to guide him to self  care as well - told him my daughter and I need him to be well for us.

And there is no need for me to get tested. My STBX has claimed no sex drive and hasn’t touched me in almost two decades.

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 16, 2021 11:55 am


Remember how much this hurts and never allow him to do this to you again. Total disengagement to the degree possible moving forward, that’s how you protect yourself and your daughter. ’

Long Way,

Your words are much appreciated. What you said about total disengagement  really resonated with me. I need to accept that I am never going to get answers from him as to why he made such a terrible choice, and even if I do it’s not going to be any better. I think I need to limit my contact with him to tactical issues regarding the dissolution and pour my heart out to good people like you all on this forum and my therapist. My STBX will never give me the reassurance that I need.

I also completely agree with you about my daughter. I apologized to her that she has to see him act like that - she apologized to me for not saying anything to him about it in the moment. I assured her that it is not her responsibility to protect or stick up for me, but rather to concentrate on working through her experience (with the help of her therapist of course) and on her relationship with her fiancé - I don’t want them to suffer any more from this.

I hope you are at least able to work towards healing and happiness for yourself!!

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 16, 2021 11:46 am

Rob,

I am so very sorry that you too have experienced anger from your X for HER bad actions. I think like you said if they can justify their actions in their own distorted thoughts then it takes their own responsibility away. I too loved him and even when I wasn’t in love with him honored my marriage vows. UGH. My therapist told me I can’t change the past and need to focus on today and moving forward. Hopefully you have been able to do that at least some of the time. I really appreciate your post.

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 16, 2021 8:59 am

Well last night was horrible. I went with my daughter for support so she could confront her dad for the first time since he cheated on me with my daughter’s male friend. My daughter kept her composure- I was really impressed by her.

I broke down. My STBX was so disrespectful, rude and dismissive of me any time I said something. He refused to address any of my questions. I told him my daughter had told me on the way there that she wanted this to be a family discussion.

I stood by him through so many bad times over 38 years. Now he devastates my daughter, her fiancé and me and all he does is treat me with disdain. I can’t believe I gave this person my life and he isn’t even sad over destroying it.

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 15, 2021 5:51 am

Long Way - oh my goodness my heart breaks for you as well!  I so appreciate your words of support and standing together is exactly what we are doing. I made it very clear to daughter and future son that I will NEVER put anyone or anything - including myself - ahead of them. I wanted to give them that reassurance.

In the few talks I have had with my STBX I have told him ‘you need to figure out what inside of you caused you to make such a selfish, reckless choice, and you need to fix that and prove that you fixed that before you will have ANY chance with your daughter and son to be’. They got engaged less than a month before the cheating incident we found out about, and were starting to joyously plan a wedding. Now all of that is tainted because they can’t imagine allowing STBX to be any part of it. What’s worse is the ‘other man’ and his girlfriend were going to be in the wedding, so they were betrayed by both sides. Time and again we have said ‘why couldn’t he have cheated with a stranger??’  Then it would have been between him and me and there would be more chance of healing with the kids. The fact is that we, along with many of their other friends, were asleep in the house when this happened so it has now affected the whole friend group. And it gets worse from there. That’s why I can’t make this stuff up.

Today 9/15 is going to be extremely difficult because it will be the first time my daughter has spoken to STBX since he cheated. It’s her turn to confront him with the pain he has caused her. She has talked with her therapist about doing it and I will be silent by her side for strength. I have the tissues ready.

Wishing you all good things to come Long Way.

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 15, 2021 1:47 am

Lily & Lynne-

I want to thank you both for replying!  It’s truly so helpful - especially as I lay here during a sleepless night - to know that there are others out there who actually can relate to how I am feeling. You both gave great advice. My therapist told me today that even just getting a walk will help me. Right now the three of us are going  through counseling separately- my daughter and I are doing it weekly - and we actually did talk about going together eventually as well. Thank you so much for the link to the research paper - we will definitely share it! And I did actually tell my husband that I think he never told me how he was feeling about men because he selfishly wanted to keep his life in tact. I am the one who supports the family financially and he stayed home the past 20 years to raise our daughter.  The dissolution will be a huge blow financially as I will have to give him nearly half my income and will not be able to afford to keep my house, but at this point I feel it would be healthier for me to figure out a way to live on much less (I was on disability for 7 years so no other financial resources than my salary) to get a clean break.

If anyone else out there is reading this and struggling as well I want to say to look around you to see if there might be a friend unexpectedly willing to help. Let others know what you are going through - this support might come where you least expect it!  While all have reached out maybe once to say ‘if you need anything’, that’s all I have heard from most of them. But there are a few who have been checking on me regularly and even opened their homes to me!  If one good thing is to come of this it will be to be able to separate acquaintances from true blue friends.

Again thank you to all who reply - so thankful to have found the Our Path website.  Hang in there everyone.

Support » Husband cheated with a man » September 14, 2021 8:15 pm

Everyone, this is such an involved, complicated situation but I am going to just give the main points for now. 4 weeks ago my husband of 33 years cheated on me with a 23 year old male friend of my daughter and her fiancé. After getting caught and vehemently denying it, he admitted to it. I now believe this is not the first time. He has been in serious denial about the devastation he has caused the 3 of us (my daughter, her fiancé and me). Like I said there is much more to this tragic situation that makes it even worse. He now admits to being attracted to men for at least 10 years, after denying me any physical affection for decades. I stayed all those years for my daughter’s sake because he was a good father. But now he has betrayed us all and crushed my daughter’s soul. I left the house and will be getting a dissolution as soon as I can come up with the attorney retainer. I guess I just wanted to post to people who could understand the intense range of emotions I feel - my life was stolen from me. I have been with him for 38 years since I was 16. How do I pick up the pieces, help my daughter and future son through this (the most important part to me) and move on?  Thanks for reading - I just want people to know I truly can’t make this stuff up.

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