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Support » Personal Torment » Today 3:13 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 11

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Victo wrote:

I recommend anger.......Calm acceptance is best, but I’m nowhere near that.

Anger does have its place yip  

But you have to temper it, not let it take hold of and carry you away. 

How are you Victo?

Support » Personal Torment » Today 2:48 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 11

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Anon2222 wrote:

When does it get easier?.......Any advice for someone down in the dumps and just at the beginning of the mind fuck??

 

To get to the other side of this we have to go through it Anon. That's it. We can't go around it, we can't fly overtop of it. There is no shortcut.

I'm 5 years on from the Mindfuck and I think the hardest part of all of it is that I've been doing it alone, because for the first 3 I was still hoping we could get back to what we had but coming up against negativity of him wanting more, and for the last 2 I've been carrying this whole shambles on my own since the intimacy, and talking about anything remotely to do with intimacy/sex/how we were...stopped. If I could go back to being angry about the Mindfuck.....maybe I would get to the end of this sooner but it is what it is. I'm not going to compromise my safety (my health) and my survival (what I would come out of this with) just to throw it all away without being certain I have all bases covered.

It got easier when I took my partner out of the equation. Yes he's in the picture now but when I think about a future without him I can't get all emotional about the life we had because...that's all gone. Even if our partners turned around now and said "let's go back and be like we were" we'd never trust them. I know I wouldn't anyway. I've known for years that my partner would carry on without me quite happily, because that's the kind of self-sufficient person he is. So it all came down to me making myself comfortable being without him. It started with the first time I took a holiday without him. 5 weeks! Visited my children in 3 cities, really enjoyed being on my own, but with people I love. Proved to myself, after always stressing when we were apart, that he isn't necessary in my day to day life but also admitting to myself that we have a history that's so deeply embedded that I need surety, a plan, a goal...so that when (if) I ever leave

Is He/She Gay » She is questioning, what are our chances? » Yesterday 6:41 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 5

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Blackie563 wrote:

......I havent eaten in over a day and barely slept..... 

Hey Blackie, welcome to our Forum. First thing first....a father who is so worried,/stressed that he can't eat is no good to anybody. So go grab a hamburger, or your go-to food when you need an energy boost. An empty stomach isn't good for your thought processes. Yeah sleep can be a long-lost thing when news like this gets dropped in your lap but remember to fuel your body, sleep & food, because this journey will take energy you never thought you'd need. 

Don't keep this news to yourself, if you do it will shut you in her closet and keep you there til your wife decides what she wants to do and this should be a decision you both make. Too often we say nothing because we know that our friends and family won't know how to respond. And our gay/bi/whatever spouses don't want to be in a spotlight either. 

This Forum has compassionate members with good advice and friendly words in bucketloads.

Elle
 

Support » Personal Torment » Yesterday 2:00 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 11

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

......and you've been thinking for years that he just doesn't "understand," and that if you just explain it to him again he will stop doing it because he must care for you. .....

Omg yes! *I* thought if I talked/explained enough he'd realise it was him that needed to step up/be better. It was usually late at night when I would 'start' on him. Asking questions about why he wouldn't talk to me, how I knew something was wrong "why won't you talk to me"....and I'd talk and he'd lie there and listen, but I know now he only listened to allow me to talk, hoping I'd get it out and leave him alone. Man I was so stupid! and it's a pity I only have the realisation now, in hindsight, of what this did to my self-esteem.

Elle
 

Support » Personal Torment » Yesterday 4:31 am

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 11

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Anon2222 wrote:

It is 2 am and I can't sleep,.....

 
It's hard not to care, not to react, worry or feel aggrieved when you are still tied  emotionally to what your husband and you had.
It's a mental chore, you have to teach yourself to not care about how what he does affects you.

Hugs... Elle

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 6, 2022 6:48 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 39

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lily wrote:

.....  Meditating to in effect disassociate from your own true feelings is not a long term solution, it is a useful tool in the short term for sure.  But over the long haul it is to lose touch with yourself, isn't it?  Certainly, that was my experience.

I don't see meditating as disassociating oneself from true feelings, I see it as calming my mind to help me see and work  through any unwanted turmoil.
And yes it may be a short term thing...as a  stepping stone to greater awareness of oneself


 

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » August 6, 2022 2:42 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 39

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Victo wrote:

Sex was a huge part of our life together too. I had a healthy libido. It was great. But I'm a woman, you're a man, and we approach this differently. I'm willing to give up that physical enjoyment because my heart told me it was the wisest thing to do for me. But it seems like you're lead by your head and your maleness (and with those two things....more than a little bit of anger/aggression?) and they're all telling you damn it!... this isn't/wasn't fair and that you have to stay angry about it because......why do you have to stay angry Victo?

I concluded that being angry....about all this....would only hurt me, only be a detriment to my recovery and it was far easier to live my life and make decisions without the thought of the person and what he'd done to tilt my whole future impacting it. Do you meditate.....do any calming exercise....have a men's support group you could join?

What were you like as a man before all this Victo? Did she have this much power over who you were back then as she does now?

Elle
 

Support » Limbo » August 6, 2022 2:14 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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Welcome to the Forum SS  
My comments in red

SS2022 wrote:

My husband of 20 plus years came out as gay several months ago. I was blindsided.  It's been very difficult.  I am only now starting to feel like I can think clearly.  It happens to us all SS. The bomb gets dropped and even if there have been red flags we just don't think the Mindfuck's going to happen to us. 
We are still married but are trying to figure out what to do.  MOM? Divorce? Separate?  All options seem to be filled with pain and loss.  We don't fight.  A bit of advice....don't figure it out together all the time. Leave space for your own thoughts and wishes because these men tend to think about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow (!) as only benefitting themselves so start this journey with the realisation that to survive it you''ll have to be more selfish than giving. This is him changing the life of you and your children so change it on your terms not his
Our kids are unaware currently.  We don't want to hurt them.  The thought of breaking up our family keeps me up at night.  Losing time with our kids, custody issues, supporting two households on a one household budget, etc,. Plus my own pain and grief.  These thoughts keep me stuck. I hate limbo but don't know what to do. Well for a start you have too much going on in your head. Concentrate on one thing at a time, Yip I know it's hard but if the children don't know yet (kids are very clever when it comes to the vibes their parents give off though) that's the future you're thinking about. Focus on how you feel now about it all. Are you talking to anybody about this (not your husband, somebody you can trust who has your best interests at heart) because nobody should ever do this alone

How do I get unstuck? [color=#B22222][i]You get unstuck by coming here, reading, posting, askin

General Discussion » HIV, now Monkeypox » August 3, 2022 10:29 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 3

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TheUnknown wrote:

......Now, in the news, Monkey Pox and the gay community.   
I can't bear to hear about it, anal sores, bath houses, gay raves.  How many unsuspecting women will be exposed by filandering lying cheaters.  Its not the sexuality I'm angry about, its the lies.  And the exposures.
Any advice to quiet my anger?
 

No advice And you're allowed to be angry, so be angry. Here in New Zealand we are told we probably won't have a problem with it. Hah! I hear on the news...."...it's 99% men having sex with men..." and I'm shouting at the tv "yes but....what about the unsuspecting wives of the cowardly gay men who aren't honest about their sexuality" 
No-one mentions them. Not medical people, not the news stations, not the radio, haven't seen a word about it on the internet.

Fucking men. No Unknown....you go right ahead and start some conversations

Elle
 

Support » Gay Spouse Dating » August 3, 2022 10:18 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 8

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Anon2222 wrote:

......How does everyone else cope?

Well Anon....when you think that he hasn't been on the same page as you for quite some time it's no wonder he's ready to rumble. 
It must be difficult to not feel aggrieved about such petty and selfish moves even though you know you haven't been top of his list/front of his mind for a while. But he doesn't deserve your attention or acknowledgement so you have to find a way not to care so much. I know I know!...easy for me to say, my partner's scampered back into his bisexual closet, and I don't have it "in my face" every day, but I've used a mental strategy to stop myself thinking about the stuff he might be doing and it worked so I reckon you have to work on the triggers that have you taking on and thinking about what he's doing, who he's seeing, what he's left you with

Because you don't want it all back do you? It's onward and upward yes?

'hugs' from Elle
 

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