Hello LMM

I just wanted to reply here and let you know I sent you a message. This is a very difficult road for him too. He is grappling with things he has very likely felt a LOT of shame and fear over for much of his life. Please have empathy for him in this as well. And know that the things he might be saying are not at all intended to hurt you. He is simply having to learn how to express the things he has been keeping inside for a long time. Things he might have NEVER thought he would be allowing himself to feel let alone share with others. A happy, successful, thriving monogamous mixed orientation relationship is absolutely possible. Sometimes it is just getting through these beginning confusing stages that is the most difficult. Sending you positive vibes. Please reach out any time. I am very open to you messaging me or we can email or talk any other way you like. You are not alone. Many of us have been in the confusing part you are in now and gotten through it successfully. Wishing you all the best.

Wife669 wrote:

He likes his butt played with. Is he actually gay?

This in NO way makes him gay. There is a HUGE stigma for men to be interested in anal play. They are often automatically deemed gay if they even hint at an interest or desire in anal play of any kind. It is stigmas like that that have forced so many into the closet for so many years. And (I believe) also cause SO MUCH confusion for SO MANY men because they themselves aren't even sure if they are gay or straight or bi simply because they desire something that society tells them is "wrong". I am not sure of the whole story of his coming out to you but it sounds like he trusts you and wants you to be involved in his desires. It sounds like he wants you to know this part of him, which to me seems like a good thing. Ethical non monogamy is an extremely common thing in many relationships. Gay couples, straight couples, mixed orientation couples.... MANY people practice ethical non monogamy. So asking if is it "ok" is kind of a difficult question. It all depends on what you want in your relationship. I think when a partner comes out it is important to unpack all that this entails TOGETHER before bringing someone else into the mix. It will take a lot of open honest talks and empathy and patience from both sides. I found out my husband was bi 14 years ago. Back then there was no way in hell I would have been ok with opening our relationship. Now it has been 14 years and we have sharpened our communication skills. We have reinforced our own foundation and become closer than ever. I am confident in our relationship and a lot more comfortable with the idea of possibly someday having a threesome if he wanted it. But it's not something we are seeking right now. There are many ways to explore his desires together if that is something you would be interested in. There is no right or wrong way to do this and just because something turned out one way for one person doesn't mean it'll turn out that way for you.

Hello! 
I know this can be such a complicated journey. Communication is SO SO important here. Opening up the relationship is a huge step, one I often recommend not be done early after disclosure but that is completely ok if that is where you are at. As long as you guys communicate and are honest I think it will help your fears and help you stay in the know about what is going on. It is important that your girlfriend respect your boundaries as well though. If you are not comfortable with something or how things are going, it is important to discuss it and if need be things change or slow down. Hoping the best for you! It is absolutely possible to have a positive outcome for your relationship here. [img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/happy.png[/img] It will just take work and patience.

Great points here. Bisexuality is not synonymous with unfaithful or non monogamous. A partner being bisexual does not automatically mean they will cheat or will "eventually come all the way out of the closet and say they are gay". My bi husband is a better man than probably any other man I know. His sexuality doesn't make him any less likely to be an amazing faithful husband. 

Great post TangledOil! I can honestly say as well that my husband and I have a stronger better relationship since he came out as bisexual. Seeing him become comfortable with himself and know that I love and accept him for who he is has been transformative. We have been together almost 18 years and I have known he was bi for about 14 years. It has been a very rocky road but mostly due to my own misunderstanding of bisexuality and all that it entails. Not every situation is alike. Not every person is the same. Just like no two relationships or people in general are alike. My husband is my best friend and my ride or die. I would not change anything about him. I understand that infidelity changes some things. But it also does not mean an automatic doom on an otherwise wonderful relationship. Sometimes people are just bad and dishonest, but sometimes people are just scared and confused and don't know how to best handle things alone. I am so grateful that I didn't ditch my husband all those years ago. I would have been throwing away the best thing in my life.