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Support » Telling the kids... » February 1, 2023 2:22 am

Don't apologize for anything, to anyone. You, brother, have been wronged, as have I, & so many others on this forum, who stood before God, family, & friends, & vowed "till death do us part," & meant it! My LW would tell you that she meant it "at the time," & that our life together was "real." Yet, here we are, 3 decades later, & I'm the only one holding to that, divorce proceedings & all!

I am SO SORRY that you felt drawn to ending your own life. I should have been far more supportive in my previous post, & for that, I earnestly ask your forgiveness. I have been where you are, wondering what good is life without my beloved? But, my children pull me from the brink. They offer me meaning in a situation that seems so devoid of meaning. They are God's blessing to me, that reminds me to think not of myself, but of them. You must look first to your children & the joy they bring you. That can sustain you for now. Just my 2 cents worth, but I'd avoid the dating sites at present. They will only cloud your judgement. Your energy is limited enough without that drawing it from what matters in the moment. Get past the NOW, & all the rawness that includes, & then dating can naturally follow when you are truly ready. I definitely don't mean to tell you what to do, just offering advice, as I'm still in the weeds myself, & it's helped me to focus on family, first & foremost. We all want to be deeply desired & truly loved. I get that. I'm there. I just know I'm not good to anyone new till I've gotten past this season of life, where up is down, the sky isn't blue, & 2+2 doesn't equal 4.

Be strong in the Lord & the power of his might!

Support » Telling the kids... » January 21, 2023 12:00 am

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I don't know your situation, but I have some thoughts. My lesbian wife and I just had this conversation as well. Our oldest teens know she isn't straight, but that's it. She said she was ready to tell our kids that she's lesbian. I asked if she wanted to do that together or separately. She wants to tell them that herself, when it works, probably in the next couple weeks. If the kids ask about how it will affect our marriage, we're both telling them that we're working that out. IMO, her sexuality is hers to explain and I'm supportive of that. I asked for her to tell me when she tells them so I know and can respond to them, knowing that they know.

When it comes to our separation/divorce, that's a conversation we'll have with them together. We both feel that having one conversation about both subjects would have a number of bad effects on our kids. 1- Their mom being gay (something she can't control and isn't at fault for- and it isn't wrong or bad) would be associated with our divorce and their loss. It could send a message that their mom is to blame for their family changing. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't need to be seen as a victim by my kids, 2- If any of our kids could be gay, guess what that association could do? Drive them into a closet, leading them to get married to hide and perpetuating this awful cycle. Or at the very least, make them feel shame about themselves when they shouldn't. 

Kids from divorced homes suffer when their parents can't get along and there's animosity. When parents make an effort to get along, kids do much, much better. It's my opinion, though it's extraordinarily hard, that our kids being okay is far more important than them blaming the "right" parent. Consider taking the higher road. Your pain, grief, and disappointment are completely justified. Your anger at the situation is too. You may want to consider something- if one of your kids is gay or has gay friends, this may turn them completely against you

Support » Telling the kids... » January 11, 2023 11:42 pm

Dear All:
Thank you so much for the helpful responses. They are all in line with what my intuition is telling me is the right approach. I've bent to her will for long enough. Our kids absolutely need to know the why, & that I'm not to blame for this. I've told her previously that I won't lie to them, I won't spin some golden yarn for her sake. I've covered for her long enough. If she wants out, then it's on her, & she has to own up to it with our children. Honesty is, as was said previously, the best policy. I'm done with the veil of secrecy.

General Discussion » Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman » January 10, 2023 10:26 pm

Anon2222 wrote:

Best part, is when he first came out as bi....he begged me to stay. I was his soul mate. It meant nothing. He loved me. Lies. All of it lies. If I had left when I found out about the first round of lying I would have been in great shape financially and I definitely would have struggled a lot less emotionally/psychologically.

Instead, I got manipulated, used, abused, and discarded like a piece of trash. The scars are deep. 

I'm so very sorry that you & I have had such a awfully similar experience! All of the above, my LW said to me initially as well. I believed it, & I am now paying the price. It's such a twisted situation. All I ever did was love her to the best of my ability, & now I'm tossed aside after 30 years.

General Discussion » Wife is questioning her sexuality and dating another woman » January 9, 2023 9:29 pm

Blue Bear wrote:

So some tough love here...

You said "the best thing for me is to be married to my person, my soulmate".  I agree with you on the quoted statement, but do you think that your wife qualifies as "your person, your soulmate" when she has cheated on you, been dishonest about her sexual attraction (believe me, she's known about her same-sex attraction for far longer than she's telling you), and has cut off intimacy with you?  She sounds like she would fail a soulmate audition.

As for you blaming yourself for not being a good husband -- " I wish I’d paid more attention to her and been the husband she needed me to be"?  Garbage.  Your only "fault" is not being the lesbian that your wife never had the courage to tell you she needed.  In other words, you are not to blame here.

I'm not a big believer in "sexual fluidity".  Rather, I think this is usually a lame excuse that a lot of in-denial lesbians use to give a softer blow to their often life-long concealment of their true sexual orientation.  It's a quasi-palatable way to dress up their dishonesty, like they are the victims of some sort of sexual orientation flipping gamma ray.  My ex-wife tried the "sexual fluidity" thing at first, only to admit after too many gin and tonics one evening that she knew about her same-sex attraction well before we had even met.

Blue Bear,
There's SO much here that I wish I'd know 1.5 years ago, instead of learning the hard way after my LW came out. She's destroyed me emotionally & strung me along believing we might have a shot at making a MOM work. Now, divorce impends, & she's "all in" on pursuing her new life, casting me aside after 3 decades together. So, Pyro, I'd run, NOT walk before even more damage is done.

Support » Telling the kids... » January 9, 2023 9:17 pm

The time is coming that my LW wants to inform our late teen children that we are getting divorced. She does not, however, want to tell them why. She wants it to be a separate conversation that SHE determines the time & place. I vehemently disagree. I believe the kids deserve to know the what AND the why, simultaneously, and that their father does not agree, nor has anything to do with the decision. It's coming in the next few months, so any experience/wisdom/advice my fellow forum members can provide, I'd very much appreciate. Thank you.

Support » Party to the ambush...? » January 3, 2023 11:02 pm

Rob wrote:

Know that Christmases in the future will be genuine and a authentic.

I do hope that will be true, Rob! I want something akin to normalcy, especially in my faith. God has indeed sustained me throughout this ordeal, but it's dominated my relationship with Him. I've prayed for her. I've prayed for my children. I've prayed for myself. I've prayed for miracles. Now, I simply pray for endurance. I long for the day none of this will invade my prayer life anymore.

Support » What do outsiders say? impact on kids? » January 3, 2023 10:51 pm

"Heartwarming coming out stories sometimes state that although family and friends previously didn't understand the person's suppression, but they "responded with love because they loved me". Yet family and friends, and the general public, *do not* support straight partners, accept them or even acknowledge what the LGBTQ partner did and may continue to be doing. Somehow, straight partners still don't exist and aren't allowed to-- just as they weren't during the active relationship in many ways."

I was just talking with one of my family members about this very issue! Straight spouses are simply unseen. Our stories--our traumas--are not considered in light of the "bravery" of SSA spouses who choose to leave their families to lead so-called "authentic" lives. We've fought so hard for our marriages, often to the point of mental & physical exhaustion, & receive NO support or empathy. What's more, if the shoe were on the other foot, & I, as a husband, we're to declare my desire to end my marriage to pursue other women at the cost of destroying my family, I'd be reviled! But, not so with SSA spouses. Nope, they're just finally living their "truth." It's a twisted "get out of marriage free" card that popular culture & the LGBTQ community have alike embraced. Straight spouses, meanwhile, are left to mourn alone, struggling to pick up the pieces of their utterly ruined lives.

Support » What do outsiders say? impact on kids? » December 27, 2022 2:13 am

I've spent the last 1.5 years trying to learn to empathize with the LGBTQ community--their trials, struggles, & difficulties. I worked hard to see the world through the eyes of my LW. I've tried to discern God's plan for her & us. Then she quit on us. She quit on her family. She quit on her faith. Now, I'm left with a real temptation to despise all SSA people, wherever they are. Except, that I recognize my own sinful nature, & I am no better than anyone else. But, I AM really, really, angry.

Support » Party to the ambush...? » December 27, 2022 1:56 am

Sooooo, I traveled to my LW's family's home for the holiday weekend. It's been a month since she told me she wants a divorce to pursue her new life after 30 years together. Being there, among my in-laws, whom I love as my own parents, while hiding from them & my teen children the double-secret ambush that will befall them all in the new year made me feel so miserable, deceitful, & a party to her impending ambush. I pretended to be the happy father/husband/son-in-law/brother-in-law, even as I inwardly struggled to keep it together. Church was a particularly trying experience, knowing also that she's shedding the faith that has been her foundation since childhood. I know many of you have been through all of this already, but I just feel tainted by her charade. To make matters worse, she wrote a cryptic message in my Christmas card that gave me a stupid feeling of hope, which I foolishly snapped up, hook, line, & sinker, only to learn later, she meant absolutely nothing by it--couldn't even remember what she was trying to say. Our last family holiday together, & it's another horrible memory to add to a pretty lengthy list. I pray, & I seek counsel from God, but I'm feeling only pain, confusion, & loss.

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