OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Support » I can't seem to lose weight » August 1, 2022 3:28 am

Replies: 5

Go to post

I've struggled with my weight since having my kids.  Multiple surgeries and damaged lungs made it so I can only exercise very minimally.  I had two driving forces in wanting to loose weight.  One is I don't like how I look, I have lots of scars, my belly swells when I over do it (like I"m asked when I'm due swelling), and I just don't feel good about myself.  the Second was my husband didn't want to have sex with me and hadn't for over 10 years.  I thought he found me too fat and revolting for it.  He is on a fitness journey, excellent shape...turns out he was gay and I could have been the perfect woman and it wouldn't have been enough.  

Despite throwing everything I could at it my body does not want to let go of any weight. 

For me this all spiraled into an eating disorder.  I started to starve myself, so much so my body went into starvation mode and any fuel I did put into it it hoarded.  I'm still trying to undo that damage.  I still have a very unhealthy realationship with food in I'm afraid of it.  I'm scared that one thing will cause me to gain back the 3 pounds I took weeks to get off and that is because its happened.  

My path has been hitting it from multiple fronts while needing to accept the limitations of my body, that I'm getting older, and the impacts of my traumas.  I will never be what I was before and its okay for me to try to want to loose a few pounds but there needs to be a balance.  

I talked with my doctor and we worked with my medications to try to minimize the ones that may contribute to weight gain.  Anti depressants and anxiety meds can both do it.  She added metformin to my rotation to try to help too.  I know there are some new things on the market but insurance won't cover them.

Continuing my mental health theapy.  I know for sure that the mental health is contributing and well and getting expecially my anxiety under control will also help.  The other goal of the therapy is working through the eating disorder

Support » So sick of the hurt » August 1, 2022 3:01 am

Replies: 4

Go to post


Yeap your message was dead on. my therapist said my and sounds like your love language is gifting/acts of service.  For me I love planning special surprises for the ones I love.  Taking great pains when getting them gifts or since we gift our kids travel/experiences rather than things for birthdays and holidays I always try to have something up my sleeve for each trip.  

Last year I surprised my husband and kids with his parents during our trip.  It was his 40th birthday and we hadn't seen them in over two years because of the pandemic.  they had no clue until they literally walked into our hotel room.  It was after that it really hit home how much I wanted something like that for myself.  
And even more he never even said thank you for doing that.

I was like you when he first came out, terrified of what I would do if he was gone.  I'm sick and have bad days.  But the last few months I have felt like he's not here as he's not helping much around the house I have forced myself to get things done.  Even though it comes with a physical toll.  with him gone over the weekend it made me realize i was a lot less upset when he wasn't here for me to get mad at for not helping.  

The dating hurts.  And a lot of it is that he'd given up on us and our marriage who knows how long ago, I now suspect he cheated before his revelation but have no proof.  But he's clearly invovled with this person he was trying to text and not me.  My therapist said that they are basically having their teenage years and a mid life crisis all at once with their newfound freedom.  They see this whole thing as a good thing and freeing and don't understand that we aren't even close to there.  

He must have had a busy weekend because he fell asleep the second he got home and hardly interacted with anyone before bed.  Time will tell how often he takes these little trips.  

Support » So sick of the hurt » July 30, 2022 10:39 pm

Replies: 4

Go to post

Four months and counting.  My husband texted me Thursday he was getting a hotel for the weekend because he was feeling down and needed some time to himself.  Fine, nice for him he can just up and take off when he wants and yes I will ensure this is with his own money. 

But not 5 minutes later i got another text from him...not meant for me.  "Good Morming Lover," followed by some pics.

I wonder what the hotel room is for?  Insert eyeroll.  

When he came out I asked him to be honest with me and he still can't do it.  he still lies and hurts me.  As he likes to remind me, we are still married, so he is technically actively cheating at the moment and there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait.

You all know its been a struggle at home since he came out, that he's very much checked out, and I feel like I've become a single parent in the blink of an eye.  I am forcing my body well beyond what I should be because I have too, because there is no one else around that can do some of the things.  Him taking off with his Boyfriend for the weekend comes as no surprise.  .yet while its not a surprise this is something that has hurt more than many of the other things he's done.

Never in our time as a dating or married couple did he every send sweet texts like that.  Never did he arrange for a special weekend for the two of us...even when I openly said to him that I would really love it if he did stuff like that for me a bit ago.  I get he's farther down the road but god it hurts so much.  I feel like a piece of trash he's thrown away and I am angry that he has never loved me like I loved him or how I thought he loved me.  Its humiliating.  

I know the silver lining is he is very likely to move in with this guy if they are to taking weekends away but its still just so hard.  And I will say having everything left to me isn't as bad when he's not here to do nothing about it/help.

I knew you guys would understand and I needed to vent.  I had a meltdown w

Support » Today is not my day » July 26, 2022 11:15 pm

Replies: 20

Go to post


Wonderful to hear!  Lock it up and protect it from him.  And I"m 100% here for amazing grandmas haunting those spouses for hurting us.

Support » He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong. » July 26, 2022 11:13 pm

Replies: 10

Go to post

OutofHisCloset wrote:

   Yes, please see an attorney.  When you're dealing with legal matters, it's smart to hire someone who knows the law.  And when you're dealing with a double-dealing spouse who has already demonstrated just how selfish and self-centered and entitled he is, it's the better part of wisdom not to trust he will be fair.  At the very least, have a lawyer look over your settlement to ensure you're getting a fair deal before you file it with the court.

100% the plan.  I have a list already and will be starting a local divorce support group in the next few weeks where I can get some referrals.  

Support » He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong. » July 24, 2022 11:38 pm

Replies: 10

Go to post

I agree to talk to an attorney.  Even though we are supposed to have an uncontested divorce I'm still going to talk to one.  Because I don't know what he's hiding from me.  I discovered he's been hiding money for who knows how long in a cash app.  He's insanely protective of getting the mail.  Like he makes sure to be the one to get it as soon as it comes (which him going back to the office will be intersting).  Gets delivereies as soon as they arrive.  He think's I'm dumb or something but I've seen the boxes and googled where they've come from.  I personally think he's on steroids based on some of the side effects I've observed.    But Like OutofHisCLoset said I'm making sure I won't be on the hook for anything he's done.  this also goes into me checking our bank and credit card statements for things that he is supposed to be paying for himself now and isn't.

You are 100% right in looking for things that work for your budget.

I don't know your age but I assume if you can apply for senior housing you are older.  Check with your state for elder care options and protections.  My father had Alzheimers and they got us in contact with an attorney that helped us get on all the programs we could for financial support and sorted out things like power of attorney and his will.  LIke one of your kids should have POA now, not your husband.  I need to change my order up on mine and move my sister to first position.  

We never want to be a burden on our children but there is a difference between being a burden and letting them help you.  This is something I have had to work very hard on with all my medical issues.  I feel guitly that I can't do what I used to do with and for them...but I'm still here with them and we are adapting and that is what is important.  !hen things were so difficult with my dad my siblings and I were helping to pay for his care when he needed to go to a memory care center.  Not just for him but for my mom as he had progressed to a

Support » He's starting therapy. Trying to stay strong. » July 24, 2022 1:52 am

Replies: 10

Go to post

I'm glad he is seeing someone and I selfishly am more happy for you than him.  It seems like you've scared him, he saw you making moves to leave him so he's trying to head it off. 

No matter what you decide, to stay or go, needs to be 100% what you want.  Even if my husband came to me tomorrow and said he was wrong and actually wasn't gay and wanted things to go back to how they'd been...the ship has sailed. Decades of lying, the brutal betrayal, the heartbreak, and what is one of my biggest issues, how he has treated me since his revelation.  No amount of housework will ever make that up.

Maybe have him ask if his therapist thinks that joint sessions would be of any help for you guys as well.  I know everyone has had mixed results but having a safe place to confront him about some particularly hurtful issues has been helpful for me.  Even if there isn't the resolution I want.


Support » New to this and HATING it » July 22, 2022 11:17 pm

Replies: 6

Go to post

I'm sorry he did that to you 8 hours is absolutely terrible!  No Excuse.  And when he ignored you and still came home, I'm just sending hugs.  I am glad you let him see how much it hurt you it does us no good to hide it.  They can not see past themselves and their new lives right now.  They are the hero of their own story.  They are also much farther down the path of processing this mess.  They have already gone through the phases they are gong to go through. Even when I bring up him hurting me like that in therapy sessions he dismisses his actions, even with the therapist prodding him and explaining to him that his actions were wrong.

When mine did that to me is when it got into my head that he is already long gone.  All his talk of going slow, keeping the staus quo, he'll still be here, and not much has to change was just more lies or delustion.  Because like OutofHisCLoset said, they may be out they aren't ready to give up that connection to home.  Both the physical location and in us.  My therapist said that I have been in his life for so long, I am his constant, where I am is home where its safe and comfortable.

 I promised myself to never ask him to do anything and on bad medical days I've slipped and most of the time he either ignores or won't do what I ask.  This is big and little things.  I am adjusting to managing the house and the chores to me and the kids.  Yes, he still takes out the trash and might unload the dishwasher when he needs plates, but he hasn't cleaned anything outside of his rooms since he came out except the kitchen once and that was with our daughter pushing him to do it with her becuase she knew I was exhausted.  

This has come with an incredibly heavy price.  My body can not handle all the work, I completely understand chronic pain and overwhelming fatigue to the point you can not move..  What I did today landed me in bed on my oxygen for the rest of the day.  There are days I can not take some of my medications f

General Discussion » The new "4" letter word....Sex » July 22, 2022 2:56 am

Replies: 39

Go to post

My husband was my first and only as well.  Sex has never been a big thing in our marriage we didn't do it very often (unless trying for a baby) and I didn't know any better, I thought it was just normal.  He just wasn't that into it and once every couple of weeks was fine when he was in the mood and it was all about him being satisfied and not me.

Then after we conceived our last child, over 10 years ago, sex stopped.  At first it was understood.  I had a high risk pregnancy, was on bedrest, then he was in the NICU, and sick a lot.  That was followed by me getting a hysterectomy, complications, and a very long recovery.

But then I healed and I tried to intiate things again.  He would either have no interest or be unable to perform.  I was absolutely humiliated and blamed myself because i could not turn on my own husband.  I thought it was because I was too fat, too scarred, too ugly to be desirable.  He was on this fitness journey and was in amazing shape, looked great, so I internalized that too as I'm too ugly.  Over the years I'd found a couple of toys that were meant to help him take care of himself so I knew he had the desire, adding another hit in that he would prefer a toy to his wife.  And god I tried to get him interested.  Lingere, massages, trips, new things, sending him to the doctor to get checked (he didn't use the meds perscribed).  

The feelings caused contributed to my anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder.  And he knew this.  He knew it was hurting me and didn't say anything.  Because me thinking those things allowed him to keep his secret.  This is perhaps one of the most selfish things they can do.

After he came out he said I didn't have to have body dysmorphia anymore becuase he didn't think any of those things I listed off....yeah like that just makes it all go away.  I said those exact words you did to my mom, my doctor, my therapist "Who is going to want me now?"

They all very firmly put down tha

Support » Today is not my day » July 22, 2022 2:15 am

Replies: 20

Go to post

I hear you on the house thing and yes finding a rental with pets is very hard to do. I am looking at something half the size we are in now and its 150K more than we paid for it.  this is another point I am absolutely furious at him about.  We have so much equity in the home, and when we did move on from the empty nest we would have been set.  If it were me I would stop all the reno stuff untill it is absolutely necessary.  Save the money and the mental anxiety that would go along with living in a construction zone and have him coming in and out to do it.  

 Is there a way you can make the house work for you better?  Close off rooms you are not using so you don't need to clean them?  Shuffle rooms around so you don't have to deal with stairs as much?  

Yes therapy can be expensive.  Do ask about support groups in your area.  I reached out to a friend from high school who is a Betrayal Counselor.  She put me in contact with a divorce support group and they are working to form a straight spouse one as well.  I know I would have more resources if I reached out to my church but I am not at a place I want to do that yet.  Friends are one thing...church is a whole new ballgame.  

If you can't work you can't work.  I know those days where you can't get out of bed and its a medical issue.  They have to deal.  I am lucky in my bosses are very understanding and I have co workers that I can reach out too if there is an emergency I can't handle.  I am also lucky in I can work from bed...and have for years due to many stints on bedrest.  My two cents is to start hunting for a job that works better for your new situation and/or offers benefits.  

It will start to get better.
You mentioned he is going to help support you financially, are you working with a attorney or mediator in this process.  that way you have someone in your corner and helping negociate items.  there is nothing wrong with going in and saying what you need. Or have you stay down wit

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum