OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Strategies for MOM's » My wife came out as a lesbian. Can MOM work? » May 28, 2023 7:35 pm

RUN, don't walk. I've been with my LW 30 years, & didn't know till 2 years ago about her being now exclusively SSA. My whole sense of reality has become unmoored. Everything you dreamed & planned for the future is shit now. Your kids are grown, & they're like "what? Mom's gay? Why did she teach us that's a sinful lifestyle, then?" GET OUT NOW!!!

Support » LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year... » May 28, 2023 7:14 pm

It's done. It's all done. We told them about the divorce last Sunday, & then she immediately followed by telling them her "stuff." A week on, & I'm in a state of bewilderment. The kids, both boys, are predictably avoiding questions. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.

Support » LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year... » May 8, 2023 9:34 pm

Most recent commentators:
Thank you all for your responses. I can't express how comforting it is to me to have this forum as a way to compare experiences & get my bearings. I'm trying my best not to second guess myself. It's hard to take this stance with the woman I've loved for 30 years. I don't want to bear the burden of telling my children HER story. I'm so very sad, but also just emotionally exhausted, & yet so hungry for a female's care & attention after 2 years of neglect (and I'm not speaking of physicality). It tempts me to keep her near, even though she's tossed me aside long, long ago now. Still, I know I can't heal until we're apart & my kids can see me as a model of resilience in the face of adversity, bolstered by God's strength & love. Guys, this is just so, so hard.

Support » LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year... » May 6, 2023 11:00 pm

Thanks once more for the advice & perspectives, all. I've held my ground, but her response was to chastise me for getting my own lawyer & complicating things, as well as to assert that she will not come out to our teens when we inform them of the divorce. I'll have to tell them, she said, because she won't. It's a bad situation, about to get worse. But, I guess we're selling the house, as she "doesn't want to live with me" now apparently. I guess I wasn't acquiescent enough. Her inability to own these decisions is remarkable.

Support » LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year... » April 28, 2023 10:12 am

Thanks so much to everyone who's responded so far. I really appreciate the perspectives & the suggestions. I am definitely running it by my lawyer, & I'm inclined to hold my ground on the infeasibility of such an arrangement as my wife has proposed. I've also been advised by my pastor, who has walked through this entire mess with me since November, when she first told me she wanted to divorce. I guess it will be up to the attorneys about how to proceed, but I can't see any other route. She wants her new life, & I deserve one of my own as well. Thanks again!

Support » LW filed for divorce, but wants to cohabitate for a year... » April 25, 2023 6:31 pm

Hey, all:
Haven't posted in a while, but stuff has really changed & fast. My LW filed for divorce in late March & initially offered for me & our teen boys to stay in the home for the next year, rather than selling right away. That way there would be less upheaval for the kids, less stress on me, & time to prepare the house for sale. Then, last week, she declared that she didn't want to waste thousands of dollars on rent & wants to cohabitate for the next year till after our youngest graduates. Then we'd sell the house. I was floored by the proposal give her previous offer & my need to get away from her duplicity & secrecy regarding SSA over 3 decades together. We took a week to discuss it at length, & I outlined all the reasons why it wouldn't work, including my inability to heal with her present after she's divorced ME! But she completely steamrolled my objections & seemed insensible to my mental health needs after nearly 2 years of trying to save our marriage while she focused on herself. She seems to not be willing to take no for an answer.

My question is: am I wrong here? Is this something I should actually be considering despite my being cast aside & my religious objections to the life she plans to lead? I mean, I have no way to escape her in our house & what about the confusion of our kids? I just don't know what to do. Please offer your thoughts. Thank you all!

Support » This is so messed up » March 5, 2023 12:55 am

I wish I had advice. I don't. That's why I've been here for nearly two years. My LW of 26 years is divorcing me. She may well care about how that hurts me & our boys, but that's not stopping her. I'm screwed from an emotional, physical, & a financial point of view. This is my reality. I pray it's not yours, too. I miss the spouse I once had. The one I fell in love with 3 decades ago. I miss sex. Maybe she faked it, but I didn't. I was honest. You were honest. They were not. But we're left holding the bag. It's up to us how we move forward. In the "Shawshank Redemption," there's a line Andy Dufresne asserts that resonates with me now: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's our decision now. I choose the former.

Support » Telling the kids... » February 1, 2023 2:22 am

Don't apologize for anything, to anyone. You, brother, have been wronged, as have I, & so many others on this forum, who stood before God, family, & friends, & vowed "till death do us part," & meant it! My LW would tell you that she meant it "at the time," & that our life together was "real." Yet, here we are, 3 decades later, & I'm the only one holding to that, divorce proceedings & all!

I am SO SORRY that you felt drawn to ending your own life. I should have been far more supportive in my previous post, & for that, I earnestly ask your forgiveness. I have been where you are, wondering what good is life without my beloved? But, my children pull me from the brink. They offer me meaning in a situation that seems so devoid of meaning. They are God's blessing to me, that reminds me to think not of myself, but of them. You must look first to your children & the joy they bring you. That can sustain you for now. Just my 2 cents worth, but I'd avoid the dating sites at present. They will only cloud your judgement. Your energy is limited enough without that drawing it from what matters in the moment. Get past the NOW, & all the rawness that includes, & then dating can naturally follow when you are truly ready. I definitely don't mean to tell you what to do, just offering advice, as I'm still in the weeds myself, & it's helped me to focus on family, first & foremost. We all want to be deeply desired & truly loved. I get that. I'm there. I just know I'm not good to anyone new till I've gotten past this season of life, where up is down, the sky isn't blue, & 2+2 doesn't equal 4.

Be strong in the Lord & the power of his might!

Support » Telling the kids... » January 21, 2023 12:00 am

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I don't know your situation, but I have some thoughts. My lesbian wife and I just had this conversation as well. Our oldest teens know she isn't straight, but that's it. She said she was ready to tell our kids that she's lesbian. I asked if she wanted to do that together or separately. She wants to tell them that herself, when it works, probably in the next couple weeks. If the kids ask about how it will affect our marriage, we're both telling them that we're working that out. IMO, her sexuality is hers to explain and I'm supportive of that. I asked for her to tell me when she tells them so I know and can respond to them, knowing that they know.

When it comes to our separation/divorce, that's a conversation we'll have with them together. We both feel that having one conversation about both subjects would have a number of bad effects on our kids. 1- Their mom being gay (something she can't control and isn't at fault for- and it isn't wrong or bad) would be associated with our divorce and their loss. It could send a message that their mom is to blame for their family changing. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't need to be seen as a victim by my kids, 2- If any of our kids could be gay, guess what that association could do? Drive them into a closet, leading them to get married to hide and perpetuating this awful cycle. Or at the very least, make them feel shame about themselves when they shouldn't. 

Kids from divorced homes suffer when their parents can't get along and there's animosity. When parents make an effort to get along, kids do much, much better. It's my opinion, though it's extraordinarily hard, that our kids being okay is far more important than them blaming the "right" parent. Consider taking the higher road. Your pain, grief, and disappointment are completely justified. Your anger at the situation is too. You may want to consider something- if one of your kids is gay or has gay friends, this may turn them completely against you

Support » Telling the kids... » January 11, 2023 11:42 pm

Dear All:
Thank you so much for the helpful responses. They are all in line with what my intuition is telling me is the right approach. I've bent to her will for long enough. Our kids absolutely need to know the why, & that I'm not to blame for this. I've told her previously that I won't lie to them, I won't spin some golden yarn for her sake. I've covered for her long enough. If she wants out, then it's on her, & she has to own up to it with our children. Honesty is, as was said previously, the best policy. I'm done with the veil of secrecy.

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum