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General Discussion » How long did it take??? » August 23, 2021 12:54 pm

Papagumdrop
Replies: 17

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I fought it, thinking I needed to stay for the kids, for 6 months. My son had just been born 6 months earlier and that made it extra hard to accept and move on. Then I accepted it and she moved out 4 months later. What I saw as keeping my promise to love and care for her only cost me. Everyone has their own speed but I encourage you to separate when you can and file as soon as possible. My state had a one year waiting period to file so I had to do that but I put it off even longer hoping she would stay in state but finally finalized it in December 2020. She announced she was leaving the next month so I guess I was correct lol. 

Bottom line take care of yourself first, and part of that self care is likely making as healthy a break as possible. My Ex left the state today to move in with her girlfriend on our daughters first day of school and I finally feel like I can breathe. Which is good since I will need that breath to comfort my children. Save your breath for yourself and others who really need it.

Support » Female behavioural red flags » August 23, 2021 12:26 pm

Papagumdrop
Replies: 10

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These right here resonated loudly with me. I didn't see them as warnings at the time but now reading them in a list they seem so obvious:

Not wanting to go out as a group and always preferring to be alone with their partner.

Prefers to spend time with female friends over time spent with her partner.

Will not accept and meet male eye contact during sex. Will close the eyes or look away.

Sexual act is often perfunctory and unlikely to be initiated or spontaneous.


Sexual interest is heightened after time spent out with friends (Girl’s night out).


 

Support » to Papagumdrop » August 22, 2021 9:38 pm

Papagumdrop
Replies: 1

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I agree in hindsight I willfully ignored some major warning signs and that I had formed a co-dependent post marriage relationship out of a combination of fear, guilt, and loneliness.

Blame is separate from judgement in my mind. I guess I try not to judge someone since I can't be in their mind but I do ask that they own their decisions which would equate accepting blame. 

Thanks for your reaching out, it means a lot

My partner and I had a nice deep talk before we went spent some time in a little cabin vacation. We laid out our fears and hang ups and we are moving forward with our relationship. We just spent the past 4 days doing things together with our children. Two for me and two for her, the oldest being 8. Still lots to discuss like parenting methods but we are back to planning to blend our families and move in together next year sometime.

I recognize my emotional trauma healing is far from over but it seems like I have a way forward for me and my kids at least no matter what happens. I told the ex we shouldn't communicate except for child related matters and after an initial resistance period she seems to be obeying my wishes


 

Our Stories » Effort, Guilt, Betrayal, and Damage » August 8, 2021 8:50 pm

Papagumdrop
Replies: 0

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I should have come here years ago. I am fully divorced now but the process has been long and painful and I fear I have caused myself long term damage relationship wise by not standing up for myself.

She told me the week of my birthday in 2017. My response was anger and shock, especially when she told me she had told her brother a month ago. This is a brother who has serious issues and she stopped talking to for six months since he kept texting her really messed up pornography. Obviously her trusting him first with this instead of her husband was devastating.

Our relationship was atypical from the start, she was far younger than me (13 years) and we waited until she finished college to move into together and get married. My first clue was when she would "take naps" with college friend. Seemed odd to me but didn't raise huge flags. She was always athletic and tomboy like but that's not a flag at all. Then after we moved in she started reading lots of LGBTQ forums and websites, listening to podcasts, etc. Again not that big a deal right? Learning and having empathy for others is healthy, plus she had a former high school golf teammate come out in college so she said she was learning about her friend and her experience. 

Then after we had married and bought a house I found her watching women on women porn. Again, who am I to shame someone's kink? I know I watch stuff I wouldn't attempt in real life, that's what fantasy is all about. But then the intimacy started to fall quickly. She couldn't have sex without watching that first and lets just say it was always in a manner where she didn't have to look at me. I had dated someone in college who had been raped and this very much felt like I was doing it to her as she clearly was not enjoying me.

This is when all the pieces fell into place and I asked her about all these thoughts I had. I tried to be as non confrontational as possible but I flat out asked if she was gay. She denied it as I presented the evidence. This w

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