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Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 26, 2022 1:43 am

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Thank you for writing Natu. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean, I'm from Argentina so I'll use a translator and I hope you can understand my message well. I was in a relationship for 5 years with the perfect man, everyone said that we were made for each other. he and his family did not support the lgbt community. I taught him that love is love no matter what.

Thank you for sharing. Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years are very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, many straight wives had gay best friends in high school. 

2. We planned a life together and a few months ago we took the step of living together. he began to change, he looked at me ugly and he was always in a bad mood, so much so that two months ago we decided to take some time to think. We met again two weeks ago and he told me that he was no longer in love but that he loved me as a friend.

This must have been incredibly painful. I'm reminded of that Maya Angelou quote, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." 

3. I couldn't understand until he finally confirmed that he has been attracted to men since he was 12 years old. I collapse, I end my future and my life, I don't want to live anymore. It was so perfect that I don't understand. I have the illusion that he is a passenger, we continue to see each other and we had sex but last night he told me that he no longer wants to lie to himself. that today his way is that but he is in the closet and he says that he needs me by his side as a friend but I can't Sean, I can't. and more when he tells me that he still likes women.

I'm so sorry that he hurt you...that he continues hurting you. This reminds me of the term "mindf*ckery" used by blogger Chump Lady. If as you wrote, "I can't..." then it's time to detach with love from this troubled man. 

4. I don't know what to think, I want to wait for him but I don't believe in bisexuality, I feel that he is totally gay.

Closeted and questioning men ofte

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 5, 2022 5:31 pm

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Thank you for posting Harlow and Sweetlisa. 

Replying to Harlow: 

1. I am having a very difficult time and hoping to get some insight from others. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. There have been absolutely NO red flags. We had an amazing sex life until recently, when he started having erectile dysfunction that we suspected was due to some recent medical issues. (He has hypertension and has had 2 surgeries, including an epididectomy due to cysts in his testicles.) He can perform with me about 50% of the time and always when using viagra.

I'm so very sorry you've found yourself here. I'm going to provide some feedback on your situation but please keep in mind that I'm not a mental health professional. I'd also add that you're a bit of a unicorn because most of the women who contact me haven't had sex with their husbands in years and/or he's never really demonstrated an interest in sex with women. 

2. He has a history of porn use. (I'll note that it was always girl-on-girl.)…

I'd modify that to: girl-on-girl as far as you know

3. This bothered me but wasn't a deal breaker. However, I recently discovered that he had a Grindr account that he had been using (from what I could find on his Google account history) for about 3 months.

What a coincidence! This is the first question I answered in a recent podcast: https://ourpath.org/ourpath_podcast/s5-ep-5-a-former-closeted-narcissist-in-recovery-answers-your-questions. Skip to 4:00 where I answer the "I just caught my husband on Grindr" issue. To re-cap, Grindr is a gay hook-up application and if your husband has an account, this suggests he's cheating on you with men. 

4. This began during a mental health crisis on my part in which I was very distant, both emotionally and sexually. We were social distancing due to family health issues and Covid so we were very isolated.

Bullsh*t. I'm going to assume that you're parroting his blame shift because this is

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » December 25, 2021 3:46 am

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Merry Christmas! Thank you both for writing. In reply: 

1. QuietOne: I want to thank you for taking the extra step of reading my story and commenting on the condom issue. My husband really tried to gaslight me on this one.

I'm so sorry he did this to you. Sadly, this type of crazy-making is a common tool/tactic with closeted/questioning husbands. Here is a definition of gaslighting for those who don't know the term: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting. 

2. I also want to thank you for your response to my question about worldview. Your description of seeing the world in blinding technicolor and the story about Dan Savage's experience really helped me begin to understand. I appreciate you sharing your own perspective. For some reason, reading your post left me with a sense of peace--something I needed as this holiday season has been tough.

I'm glad to have helped in some small way. I highly recommend "The Velvet Rage" if you want to truly understand gay men and the coming out process. 

3. Lily: seeing in technicolour - are you saying gay men see the world like they are on acid?  is this literal?  is it all the time or is it only occasional - like straights experience at times, due to heightened emotion.

I've never taken acid so I can't say really. For me personally, living as an out gay man who is also fully accepted by friends and family feels like being a wonderstruck young boy again. This new-found freedom is almost intoxicating...perhaps like a natural drug.  

4. My observation is that amongst straights gays tend to suppress their emotionality...

100% agree. 

5. I can imagine that going into a room full of gay people letting their feelings show for the first time would be an amazing experience.

You make an excellent point Lily. In my experience, most closeted/questioning husbands like me truly accept our homosexuality when we move beyond the sugar-high of meaningless gay hook-up culture and, for the

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » December 22, 2021 1:07 am

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Thank you for writing QuietOne. I've taken the liberty of reading your original post and hope you don't mind if I comment on the following passages so here goes: 

1.  I also discovered a box of condoms in his bag (none missing)...When he was around 40, he started having problems with ED, likely related to diabetes. These issues worsened until he/we eventually just gave up, and we haven't had sex for 12 years. He told me recently that he no longer has any erections--from the diabetes and from meds he is on for prostate enlargement. I now wonder if at least a part of this could be from him being gay.​

I've highlighted this particular passage because it is such a perfect example of gay/straight relationships and in particular the mindf*ckery (please excuse this term I've borrowed from "Chump Lady") that goes on. By writing "none missing" I can only assume that he highlighted this fact or perhaps that you were clinging to the notion that he hasn't been using these condoms. In my world, no one simply buys condoms just to collect them. We buy condoms to have sex and in order for men to use condoms, they have to get erections. And if he's getting erections, his ED story is bullsh*t. I'm not sharing this to make you feel worse about yourself nor your situation. I simply wanted to highlight how deft some closeted husbands are at manipulating their wives. Gay men buy condoms to have sex with other men. Closeted gay men like me stop having sex with their wives, often in their 40s, for several reasons: first, once we've had real-world sex with another man, this effectively shuts the door on being able to perform with a woman (or a wife); and second, once the closeted husband starts having sex with men, there is a serious risk of giving a wife an STD/STI and that fear effectively kills his ability to perform. Now in response to your post: 

[b]2. My somewhat detailed story is in a different thread, but the bottom line is, after 40 years of marriage,

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » October 31, 2021 1:10 am

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Welcome Daryl. Everyone is welcome to post so come back anytime my friend. In response to Winnie: 

1. Thank you for your response Sean...  I've learned so much from you and this forum and once again feel validated. 

My pleasure but please keep in mind that I've done many of the terrible things detailed in these posts. I hope you're also getting professional counselling to help you work through all of this. 

2. Its hard when you have told friends of your experience and then your ex starts dating another woman.  Now they think, I'm the crazy one... 

Kristin K. from SSN/Our Path had a similar experience which she shared during our recent podcast chat. As we discussed, gay-in-denial husbands (GIDHs) who choose to remain closeted or, worse, remarry, have often had decades of experience hiding their sexualities. When a GIDH re-marries a woman, it's the ultimate head fake and this often leaves his straight wife wondering, "Is he really gay?" So yes it can be crazy making. 

3. I do believe it is time for me to completely detach emotionally from him..  Half of me not completely moving on was a fear of "leaving" him alone, he IS the father of my children and they love him very much. 

Understandable. Or perhaps you wanted to reconcile on some level because who doesn't want to be loved? Straight wives are often empaths or co-dependents, meaning they live to heal others. Have you discussed co-dependency with a qualified therapist? 

4. The other half is extremely selfish, because I think the extremely generous financial help is his way of keeping my mouth shut,  and I have selfishly accepted that.  I also have not dated for fear it would make him mad and jealous and he would cut me off financially... 

I reckon you deserve the $$$ but understand the fear of crossing him. Question: are you divorced? If yes, I'm sure your divorce settlem

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » June 5, 2021 1:59 am

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Thank you for posting MJM. In other news, I will be interviewed for the SSN podcast next week. Please post or message me questions you would like a gay ex-husband to answer. It can be about anything at all. 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » May 31, 2021 4:07 pm

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MJM: If I may tag on another question - can a man be straight and have gay sex or watch gay porn occasionally? They seem GID or bi to me. Have seen articles in Psychology Today and on PubMed which claim these guys are straight.
Gloria: In my opinion, a man who has sex with another man is gay.

Blue Bear: Yes, but only in the same way a "vegetarian" can occasionally eat a filet mignon wrapped in bacon.

Thank you everyone for posting. I have exchanged countless messages with straight spouses grappling with the question: "Is my husband gay?" My opinion hasn't changed: I don't believe that 40+ year old husbands who no longer have sex with their wives (nor any other women), watch exclusively gay porn, and only have sex with men should label themselves as straight.

I've recently come to appreciate that the term "gay" is often too radical, too charged, and too dangerous for many gay-in-denial husbands. I came to this conclusion listening to 
[color=#000000]Dr. Malebranche's SSN podcast. (Dr. Malebranche is a gay physician and HIV specialist based in Atlanta.) During his interview, he spent the better part of an hour tying himself in knots to avoid labelling himself or others as "gay", even when they have sex exclusively with men. He even invented a new term, "same sex loving" which doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Few straight spouses actually hear "Yes I am gay" from their husbands so please manage your expectations accordingly. Husbands who no longer have sex with their wives, watch gay porn, and have sex with only men often continue claiming they are "straight", even in the face of overwhelming evidence. They often minimize their behaviour by saying they are "curious" or claim they're acting out because of some "past sexual abuse." My advice to straight spouses is to focus on her relationship/marriage rather than spend years trying to figure out her husband's sexuality. After all, why try to de

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » May 19, 2021 12:32 pm

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Thanks everyone for sharing. In response to Treelovingvegan, I reckon your head: 


needs to catch up to your heart: 


Most straight spouses already know the truth because their hearts: 


have figured things out. You already know the truth in your heart but your mind wants to believe his version of things. In my opinion, whether your husband pees sitting or standing is secondary because your body is telling you this relationship is toxic. Put bluntly, how he pees and who he kissed in high school are distractions and a complete waste of your time/energy. Please note that I'm not criticizing nor mocking you my friend. We've all been through the same thing: bargaining.

If you are no longer having sex, your husband is (clearly) lying to you, you are desperately unhappy, and your husband (clearly) leans towards gay, I'd stop trying to figure out his sexuality for him and focus more on whether you want to stay shackled to a broken man with gay tendencies for the next 10, 20, or 30 years. 

Please post again if you have more questions. Be well! 

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » May 18, 2021 2:28 am

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Thank you for writing Treelovingvegan ("TLV"). Before I respond to your questions, I'd like to take a different approach. I'd like to ask you some questions about your relationship, namely: 

1. Please send me a list, not explanations mind you, of your mental and physical state for the past year. Here is an example of how I felt my final year of marriage to a straight woman:


and so on. Please describe how you have felt for the past 365 days.

2. Next I'd like you to describe how your husband makes you feel. Again, please write just words, not explanations. 

3. Finally, I'd like you to complete this sentence, "Love for me means...." 

Thank you in advance for your answers. Now in response to your questions: 

1.  He kissed “a couple- maybe 2” guys in high school. Quotes are his words exactly. Said he kissed boys because many guys in his boarding school were gay and he absorbs energy of his friends. 

Conflicted or closeted spouses don't have very good track records of accurately defining their own sexualities. This is why I always urge straight spouses to focus on facts. It's not because these are bad people, it's just that they see things through the smeared lenses of shame and denial. When I read these kinds of things here, I tend to adopt an "iceberg" approach. For example, if a husband admits to just 1 sexual affair with a man, I then multiply it x9 because, like icebergs, 90% of the truth is under water. FACT: Your husband kissed boys (and likely more) in high school. 

2. Stopped kissing boys because an older man got him drunk and took advantage of him- he eluded to the older man giving my husband a blow job. He said this rape/male station was so traumatic for him that he never kissed boys after that.  All this happened in high school.  He is now in his late 30s.

This doesn't make sense. If your husband was indeed drunk or drugged to the point of incapacity, he wouldn't get

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 2, 2021 4:55 pm

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Welcome to the forum PrairieGirl, although I'm sorry things aren't working out with your husband. Before getting started, I'd urge you to review this excellent list for straight spouses:


Now in response to your post/questions: 

1. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7 years. We met around age 20 through mutual friends. In hindsight, our relationship had a slow start in the physical/sexual areas, but we enjoyed each other's friendship and wasn't a deal breaker at the time. I remember around 2-3 years into our relationship, I felt like we weren't having sex frequently and definitely felt a lack of intimacy. I confronted him about it at the time and he told me it was because he watches porn.

These are common red flags: more friends than lovers; a lack of intimacy; and (gay) porn.  

2. I was confused and hurt by this, but we must have resolved things (or so I thought) as our relationship continued. About a year after that, I began having thoughts that be may be gay.

Again this is quite common with gay/straight marriages. As I shared in a recent post, none of the women in my life were terribly surprised when I came out. So I'd trust your intuition. 

3. I'm not sure entirely why I thought this at the time...

Well it sounds like "gay" was your first instinct. 

4. ...but it was just little comments that he would make. I did ask him at the time, and he denied it. Again, things must have smoothed over because we continued on the "traditional" path.....married....house...child. I had a lingering feeling that something was off but didn't really reconsider the homosexuality possibility until about a year ago.


[b]5. Within the past year he has made numerous comments and innuendos about men. He also tends to bring the topic of gays up in conversation when it seems out of place. About a year ago, he brought up a suggestion about a

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