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Strategies for MOM's » Bi husband wants our marriage to work » August 12, 2018 7:04 am

DoingMyBest
Replies: 24

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Brian's Girl, thank you for sharing your story.  This is a journey that's made much easier with the help and support of others going through the same thing.  There are many couples out there making their MOMs work, and even though every marriage is different we can all relate to each other.
If you haven't yet, do check out the link posted earlier by YAZ to the Alternate Paths website.  There you will find many support links including other message boards (on Yahoo, Facebook, and listservs)  for people in MOMs.  Several of these groups do have face to face meetings during the year (I am assuming you are in the US).  Some are just the straight spouses, some just the gay husbands, and some are for the couples together.  It can be an incredible comfort to meet other people in the same boat.  And depending on where you live there are often impromptu gatherings and friends being made.

Strategies for MOM's » Tools to Make Your MOM Work... The Zimmerman Study » July 26, 2018 3:14 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 34

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I read the article, and I found it very interesting (thanks for posting Yaz).  I'm not sure what the objections to it are--the author was very upfront about his history and orientation, and he posted his methodology quite clearly.  The fact that the study was interview based and presented in that manner made it much more interesting to read.  It was far more helpful to me to read "We felt this way and acted this way and solved our problems this way" than to just look at dry statistics.  So please keep it up.

And can I just say that while this is the Straight Spouse Network, this sub-forum is about making your MOM work, and a marriage by definition is about more than just one spouse.  We can't discuss a MOM without taking our gay/bi spouses into account.  They are part of the conversation.

I believe that a marriage can only be successful when both partners feel happy and secure with at least some of their needs met (all marriages require some sort of compromise, MOM or not).  There are many types of MOMs-- celibate, monogamous, open on one or both sides.  What's right for one person may not be right for another and it is up to you and your partner to create a marriage that works for you both.

This board should be a place where everyone can find help and support no matter what their choices.

Julie (married 35 years, 20 post-disclosure, one year into a closed loop relationship)

Strategies for MOM's » Anyone have experiences with staying together? » January 17, 2018 12:49 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 85

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walkbymyself wrote:

So I think I want to know if there are people who have opted to remain married. Can you mentally and emotionally separate yourself from TGT and live a satisfying life, maybe not the marriage you signed up for but at least enter into the final stage of your life with financial means and health insurance, and all that. Rather than endure the disadvantages of being married, can’t we instead enjoy the advantages?

Oh yes, there are couples who have chosen to remain married, in spite of TGT.  You'll find everyone is different with what they can live with.  And in my case, our post-reveal marriage has evolved over the years into something I never imagined I'd be okay with.

When my husband first told me he was gay (twenty years into our marriage), we first tried monogamy.  He was miserable, which made me miserable because I still loved him dearly.  We tried "don't ask, don't tell" but I couldn't live with always wondering.  We tried a six-month separation but we both hated that.  So we decided to open up our marriage so that he can have male gay friends "with benefits."  Our sex life together is still satisfying enough for me that I don't need an outside partner, but I have that option.  My husband is not out to anyone but me and we are both fine keeping it that way.  Our family is intact (we have two grown children) and is our number one priority; we both still love each other very much.

It was NOT easy getting to this point.  It took a lot of therapy and counseling, tears and talking.  But we now have thirty-five years of marriage under our belts, our finances are sound (the cost of divorce was certainly a factor), and most important to us, we are content and trust our partnership.

It really does help to have someone to talk to and I hope you always feel as if you can come talk to us here.

Strategies for MOM's » Making it work.....monagamously » December 7, 2017 2:48 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 21

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I was answering from my own experience, but you’re right. This is about you, and this should be a safe space for you.

You have decided that you are going to remain in your MOM, that it is going to be monogamous, and your partner has agreed to that.

What specifically can we help you with?

Strategies for MOM's » Making it work.....monagamously » December 7, 2017 10:43 am

DoingMyBest
Replies: 21

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Dear Ellexoh,

I went back and read all of your previous posts to see where you are in your journey (I haven't been back on these boards for many years and don't know the people here very well yet).

Looking at the things you've written about your partner, his attitudes and comments, I would like to know why you believe that he is interested in a monogamous relationship.  Did something change?  Do you feel he is really ready to commit to you and have an exclusive relationship?  I ask because I think a monogamous MOM is the hardest thing to maintain and I don't see how it stands a chance unless BOTH partners are 100% on board.

Your man needs to be in counseling.  Both as an individual and with you in marriage counseling.  Pretending he doesn't have those feelings for men will not enrich your relationship.  They will not magically go away.  He is and always will be a bisexual man.  You will need to find a way to accept (and forgive, and love) those aspects of him because they are part of what make him the man he is.

I'm not trying to be negative but I know from my own experience how hard a MOM can be.  They require so much care and commitment and sacrifice from both parties. Do you believe he wants this as much as you do?

Strategies for MOM's » Anyone have experiences with staying together? » December 5, 2017 7:17 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 85

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I think this link was on the forums somewhere, but in case you didn't see it we found it to be a very helpful article: ​http://mixedorientation.com/mor/introduction.html

Strategies for MOM's » Anyone have experiences with staying together? » December 5, 2017 7:13 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 85

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Just realize that people change, marriages change, and what you want now might not be what you want in the future.  Be open to making each other happy, but don't compromise on what you really need.  We all have lines that can't be crossed and you're not a failure or wrong for having those lines.  My lines have moved over the years as I've gotten older (I'm 54) and our children have left home, but yours may not.

One thing that really helped me was that I could always tell my husband how I was feeling (we haven't shared his orientation with anyone, so other than my therapist I had no one but him to talk to).  Try to get to a place where you can both be honest and open, a place where you both feel safe.  Trust, honesty, safety--those were things that were lost when my husband came out to me and it's been a long hard road to build that back up.

I would try again to join up with MMOMW on Yahoo.  It's SO helpful to hear about other marriages like your own--like you said, confirmation that you're not totally insane.

Strategies for MOM's » Anyone have experiences with staying together? » December 5, 2017 2:45 pm

DoingMyBest
Replies: 85

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I'm the straight spouse in a 35 year marriage.  My husband came out to me almost 15 years ago.  At that time we both decided that we wanted to do whatever we could to stay married while at the same time making sure that we were both having our needs met.  We've gone from monogamous to open on both sides and touched on lots of variations in between, had lots of ups and downs, pain and tears.  Our relationship has changed and evolved many, many times over the years but we are still committed and glad to be together.

Marriage counseling was a big help for us, even though our counselor had no experience with MOMs and acted as if we were crazy for trying.  But it gave us a neutral space to discuss our marriage and figure out what we wanted and needed.  It was especially helpful for me because I have a hard time expressing myself when I get emotional and the therapist was great at helping me get the words out.

 

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