Hi Blindsighted and whatdoidonow, welcome to the forum.  

whatdoidonow wrote:

...because if you look deeper everything changes. well it's changed and I looked and now I can't unsee. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to cope, how to go on. I'm isolated, no friends and I can't tell my family . and every place I could go are shitty options because they are all tainted with what he has done in those places and towns.....I just want to sleep and not get up......

So here's my suggestions based on my own experience -

First thing to do is just keep existing - eat, sleep, breathe.  Going for walks is great, any sort of gardening is great.

I liked water - walking in the rain, swimming, I started with extremely long showers until I shifted from feeling like being sick to feeling like crying.

Don't forget to eat.  Curl up on your bed every moment you can.  Allow your thoughts and feelings to come and go.  This is where you take your arm back from your spouse and put it round your own shoulders.

Take your time forming a plan for the future.  But separate yourself as far as you can from him as first priority - even if it is just to sleep on the sofa.

my gay in denial ex said "I never asked to be born" - it was his excuse for treating me so poorly.

Fact is if you are born a crocodile you are going to eat bunny rabbits.

And he's right - he never asked to be born, he is what he is, he doesn't have any choice in that none of us have.

we are all inheritors of an ongoing circumstance.  

I've always had gay friends.  So you know, I really am up to date in gay ideologies - I've been listening to them for decades.  And it doesn't matter if you refute the claim that they are superior to straights they believe this as a group, and reason doesn't hold sway.  The theory is that because they know something of both sexes they know more about what it is to be human.  

Interesting really, I don't think I know what it's like to be gay, I don't think I'm superior either.  

I haven't the same depth of personal experience with transgender but it does seem they feel even more superior, even the really nice ones.  

I have no real idea of what the lesbian ideologies are.

And though I am a straight I'm not sure I know much about what our group think is.  I guess I view this forum a bit like a little grassy field where the bunnies can catch a bit of sunshine and grass.

We used to have a name though didn't we.  The Straight Spouse Network.  It mattered.  I don't forget the feeling of distress, the uncertainty, the shock - is my husband lying to me?  it was inconceivable until it wasn't.  A helping hand means such a lot.  I had one question - why does a straight woman marry a gay man.  And this woman answered saying because she didn't know.  It's just a little interaction but it made such a difference for me.  Steadying.  It set me up and I was able to face up to the reality of my life one day, one step at a time.

Hi, first thing I'd like to say is it's a massive shock to lose the husband you believed in - first it's that primary grief of losing your spouse but on impact it's also a deep shock - what you are learning about your spouse now is changing your past as well as your future - it takes time for your mind to catch up - you really are in shock.

And yet life is afoot - from what you are saying in your post your spouse is demonstrably not being caring towards you or being financially responsible to you and your son.

You are still married.  The thing I want to say is that I think you need to protect yourself financially.  Do you have family or friends you can talk with?

Hi Elle, nice to hear from you.

I remember when it happened, somewhere near the beginning of this thread I said we were now in the belly of the beast.

And it certainly felt like we were taken over by someone who was unsympathetic to the straight spouse, and still does.

Interesting that the word support brings this site up in the search engines - that I think indicates the person who now owns this site is interested in offering therapy.  Whether that is specific to trans issues I have no idea and not sure why you think so?

Hi misterb eloto, I have read your posts and responding to all of them at once here.  Firstly sorry you find yourself here but it's a good place for a straight spouse to get support, wherever you are in the marital stakes.  Breathe easy, take your time, look after yourself - discovery of the discrepancy between what you believed and the truth of the matter is a painful experience, it gets better in a little time as your mind and memory catches up.

The impression I get is that you are a straight spouse - emotionally wired for a monogamous pairing with a woman.  It is the same for straight women, we too are emotionally wired for monogamy.  IMO a lot of the cheating that goes on in marriages is due to a hidden incompatibility and the desire to move on in both spouses. 

Your wife isn't wanting to hide it any more - she is attracted to women.  There's a saying in the older crew - bi now, gay later.  This is because so many people who identify as bisexual in their youth turn out to be gay in their middle age.  

I'm 71 now.  When you meet and spend a bit of time with a real straight couple who have grown old together there is a light happy feeling between them.  So different to the more plentiful ones with the straight / bisexual spouse.  Neither are happy.  Emotionally speaking, it seems to bite more as we age not less.

As Rob, another poster here, said - when my wife is going out with her girlfriends are they going shopping or are they having sex - why should I have to worry.

and my little saying to encapsulate how I feel - a straight needs a straight.