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Is He/She Gay » She is questioning, what are our chances? » May 2, 2023 11:25 am

Replies: 32

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Blackie, I appreciate your honesty here. It is a story I nearly had a few years ago and, God forbid, may have in my future. For now, my wife and I are happy together. The near death experience of betrayal was more horrifying and traumatic to me than I had any understanding of before it happened to me. One thing, among others, that helped me recover was forgiveness. It took me months of off and on work to come to that point - honestly forgiving her. It was helpful work to my psyche, though challenging. If interested, here is what I did: I wrote up a thorough statement of the ways she had wronged me. Then, I came to understand that she could do nothing to alleviate the pain she caused - even if we stayed together and she really put forward her best. I suffered more in six months than I had in the prior 30 years combined. I had to come to understand that I had to release her debt to me and move on from that obligation - not necessarily trust her again or love her, just release the debt. I read it all out (to her in my case) and vocally forgave her. It was a good turning point for me, though it was more like a path up than a pivot around.
Best wishes!

General Discussion » Amazing changes coming to SSN » September 18, 2021 2:00 am

Replies: 170

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Kel wrote:

... they can't have a company with the word "straight" in their name listed on their roster of nonprofits they donate to. And do you know why? Because a few years back when white supremacists started holding straight pride marches, they effed it all up for us. And no, we can't "educate" corporations about it. What they're worried about is other non-educated individuals seeing them in a bad light because they're helping an organization with the word straight in their name..

Why do you keep repeating this falsehood? The Straight Pride Parade was not a white supremacist event. You are perpetuating a completely fabricated claim and using that claim to justify the decision. This is just one part of wider social movement to make heterosexuality and cis people out to be bad (either directly or by association).

I understand why you can't educate corporate suits. They don't care about truth. They only wish to jump onto a social movement that might reap power and money for themselves. However, you can choose not to perpetuate the falsehood yourself. The board could choose not to align this organization with the ever bending of reality to meet the goals of others, and just stand firm in public. A few hundred people get called "white supremacist" (with no evidence in favor and tons against the claim) and use the phrase "Straight Pride". In response to this pile of nothing, this site change's its name?

We should have had a delegation at a parade with a name like this! After all, the feeling of "pride" doesn't just belong to the gay spouse, does it? I have been told that "Pride" isn't about being actually proud anyway, just not feeling alone, isolated, and closeted up. Well, doesn't that sound familiar to those here? Straight spouses could do for some of that. However, we aren't allowed to feel this way, are we? We are just supposed to be "allies". So, when people heard there would be a "straight pride" parade, the attendees were vilified before anyone

Support » 180 degree life change » September 12, 2021 12:07 am

Replies: 2

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The pain you feel is normal. Please do not think any less of yourself for it. You are completely justified in feeling a great loss. The person you loved is, in a way, now dead. When my wife died (so to speak), I was utterly distraught for many months. It still hurts, though not nearly as deep and dark as it once was. Not even close. There is a light ahead. I was told this, though it seemed impossible: it will get better for you.

Be patient with yourself emotionally. Try to sleep - I know it may be hard. Try to eat properly. Get those things right and your recovery will go much more smoothly. Go for walks - even if you hate walking. Just do it anyway. It will help over time. Good luck.

General Discussion » Amazing changes coming to SSN » September 11, 2021 11:56 pm

Replies: 170

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Sam (Admin) wrote:

As an organization, we have never condoned or permitted homophobia or gay bashing in any of our public or private online venues or affiliated local meetings or gatherings. It is a matter of perception by others who might otherwise fund us or refer those in our situation to us. I don't like that the term has been co-opted by bigots, and still refer to myself as "straight"...No matter what we call ourselves,  the need hasn't changed and our mission hasn't changed.

I am here to just not be silent on this topic. Please take my tone as one who has lost a great deal and am sick of being silent while things I value are destroyed.

I am straight. My spouse is not. I am NOT willing to abandon a common and very old term because you think it is now "problematic" because the mob of leftists, whose entire political strategy is based on scaring people into abandoning, destroying, supplicating, and weakening themselves, call it so (or that they might). I do not condone changing language to satisfy mewling adults that are offended by everything (reality in particular). The Board's position, abandoning the word just out of deference to the possibility that some leftist mob might take offense, strikes me as pre-emptive capitulation for the offense of being ourselves. There is no good to be gained from such a weak willed surrender.

Secondly, your characterization of the "straight pride" parade event, which was years ago and had no significant place in history or culture, seems completely baseless. Naturally, the media tore it up and down. It was, effectively, just a Trump parade (a President the media despise) which they say as lacking sufficient reverence because it dared to use a word ("pride") that is now on permanent reserve for non-straight and non-white people. Only they may feel pride. The media, which is almost entirely left wing, declares anything they don't want to exist or wish to diminish "racist", "homophobic", "islamaphobic" or some o

Support » Feeling lonely and confused » January 1, 2021 12:37 pm

Replies: 15

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Brian, I am sorry to hear this. These stories strain my heart, being either one or two years post disclosure from my wife - depending on whether you count the year of lying.

If she is changing her mind about who she is, I don't have to imagine the feelings of retroactive doubt about what your life was up until now. What helped my wife and me, in addition to innumerable talks, crying, vulnerability, and much else, was taking in and taking seriously (when we were ready) the free tools at affairrecovery.


They helped us work through certain things and communicate. It also helped me to hear people describe their feelings and it ring so true for how I felt. You can also see some of their videos on youtube.

I was in the darkest and most tormented place I could imagine for much of 2020. Frankly, I would rather die than relive it. I almost decided to end it several times than face another day of it. Every waking moment was painful like I had never felt. I mention this to say that, for me, things did start to get better. I worked hard toward forgiving her and managed to do it in May. There are a lot of articles and videos about forgiveness on that website you may want to watch. It alleviated a decent amount of strain. Building trust and, if I am being honest, self-confidence, is taking much longer. I may never see her, our relationship, or myself, the same as I once did - back when I was ignorant.

Whatever path she chooses, I hope you can work it out amicably. I work for a divorce attorney - save yourself a fortune and work through the 'uncontested' method, if that exists in your state. It will save you a fortune and work out about the same - except with less pain and suffering.

Support » The actual divorce. Advice? » October 16, 2020 2:47 pm

Replies: 13

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I can speak from my experience working for a divorce attorney in the US. Some may be relevant for you or may not. I say this to everyone, after I say, “try like mad to do in uncontested!”. One of the primary issues I have had with clients is that they don’t make an effort to help keep their costs down (causing crazy sticker shock when their “simple” divorce costs them $17k for their side only and they do stupid things to sabotage our efforts, like get in fights or brandish a firearm.

  • Follow all your attorney’s instructions and recommendations throughout the case. You should have a contract of engagement with the attorney. Read it THOROUGHLY and obey it completely. Expect your attorney to do the same.
  • Don’t be surprised if your wife tries to put a TPO (temporary protective order) on you and accuses you of abusing her or the child. This is scary as hell and infuriating. However, let your attorney handle it. Don’t try to deal with things behind your attorney’s back.
  • Ask your attorney if they are going to scan the documents you provide to them and how they want them. They should tell you something like, “yes, a legal assistant will usually scan them by item number on the discovery request and then by date with the oldest in the back”. Talk on the phone to the legal assistant or clerk that tells you what they need. Try to do as much of the admin work yourself as possible. Offer to scan all documents yourself (if you can get to a kinkos or at work) in the exact same manner the admin/legal assistant would (so you don’t have to pay them $150 an hour to do it). Deliver the documents to them in a digital and hard copy of everything they request (with both the digital and the hard copies matching page for page).
  • [*]If the attorney asks for a list of items during Discovery process. Do not show up with a box of disorganized documents (uncollated, some stapled one way and others upside down or folded up), forward them a bunch of text messag

Strategies for MOM's » When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask » May 17, 2020 8:11 pm

Replies: 10

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Abby wrote:

I wouldn't go so far as TwistinginTheWind has but I do have serious concerns for the wife. It sounds to me as if she is being encouraged to avoid friendships with both sexes because, being bi, she might end up being sexually attracted to a woman or a man and thus jeopardize their marriage. (As I recall he led her to the realization that she is "bi" which to me was a previous red flag.)

Expecting her to avoid contacts with both sexes lest she become sexually attracted to someone other than him makes this is not a marriage of equals but one in which she is isolated and controlled by him. I hope that she has family that she can maintain regular contact with and who are not seen by him as a
threat - and that she can be comfortable confiding in them what is going on in her life. The dynamics here may be unhealthy.

First, I appreciate you not immediately judging me so harshly as that twisted person. Second, I never said anything about avoiding contacts. My wife has male friends and female friends. So do I. This is about understanding the relationships better and herself, not cutting people out.

"(As I recall he led her to the realization that she is "bi" which to me was a previous red flag.)"

A red flag to indicate what?

I love my wife and she loves me. We are both committed to staying together and being monogamous. My wife is fun, happy, educated, self-made, and awesome. I would call this healthy.

Strategies for MOM's » When bisexuality becomes a threat and questions to ask » May 17, 2020 8:02 pm

Replies: 10

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TwistingInTheWind wrote:

This guy is a total nut case. The wife needs to run like her life depended on it - IT DOES!

This is supposed to be a place to seek support and guidance. I asked for help and you personally insult me. Are you sure you understand the purpose of this website?

If you think you understand my wife's personal intuitions better than she does and think the idea she has to be more contemplative about her thoughts, actions, and desires is foolish, you can say so without insulting me. You could say, "I am concerned that your wife may become afraid to form friendships with women if she is worried about falling in love with them."

I would reply with "That's a valid concern which we also share. The point of this is not to avoid friendships, but to not allow her perception of her sexuality as "mostly straight" to allow her to ignore the possibility of falling in love or getting a crush on a woman (a mistake she has trained herself not to make with a man). Have the friends, just be able to know when it could go to far (infidelity territory)."

Am I and my wife alone in the world for thinking about our relationships with men and women as more or less safe to our marriage based in part on our sexual desires or proclivity to find emotional, sexual, and romantic bonds with one sex over the other? I mean, come on! Do you really take a handsome male neighbor dropping by unexpectedly to go for  walk with you with the EXACT same response mentally as a pretty female neighbor doing the same thing? Well, I imagine the answer is no. Even if you trust both of them to be not interested in you, you are still aware of your own desires being stronger for one over the other and may effect what you say, whether you say yes or no, whether you want to make it a habit, whether you would want to become close friends, etc. That is because you are aware of your desires, motives, and thoughts when it comes to your attraction to men vs women and your interests on acting on

Support » 13 years together, marriage and a child, over in an instant » May 12, 2020 12:16 pm

Replies: 13

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OutofHisCloset, of course, you are right. I was merely addressing the subject at hand. Most the posts on these boards are from women.

Just so I don't sound way off base, every study of SSA, sexual fluidity, and changes in sexual-identification (both horizontal and longitudinal studies) show women far more often vary in these traits over time than men (almost always becoming more SSA with time) and more frequently have SSA than men. Still, your point stands. Straight women frequently suffer the consequences of these behaviors, fluidity, and such too. I should also say that there are women who are not SSA at any point in their lives, from what they say. Still, it is common enough to make men like me scared. Likewise, I know women on this board who fear getting burned by an SSA or GID partner again.

Support » 13 years together, marriage and a child, over in an instant » May 12, 2020 11:54 am

Replies: 13

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You are NOT alone in your experience. This happens to thousands of people every year. The forums have dozens of stories that are so similar to yours that you would think you had written them.

I know what it is to love someone without doubt, hesitation, and regret, while they say and feel the same way (presumably) and then have them give in to their same sex attraction and betray you. It is, as you said, a living nightmare. The loss of appetite, lack of sleep, extreme anxiety, panic, and seemingly unbounded sadness are common responses to betrayal and infidelity. Again, you are not alone and your responses, as you have described them, are NORMAL. Do not hesitate to grieve. The losses you have suffered are serious and you are doing yourself no favors at all if you attempt to suppress your urges to cry or grieve. It will extend the trauma by years.

If I can offer another piece of advice, sleeplessness, while natural and really hard to avoid, does harm to your health and ability to control your emotions. I had numerous sleepless nights, weeks where I got maybe 20 hours total of sleep, where I would wake in a sweat panic at 3 AM and not be able to fall back asleep. I get it. Just try to sleep as much as you can and don't feel obligated to stay up to "solve" or "work on" the problem. You can't do it. I tried. I know saying this is easier recommended than done. Like I said, I still have sleepless nights because of this. Just try, man.

Also, do NOT feel obligated to keep her "secret". This is your story too. Talk to someone you trust intimately, like parent or best friend.

Lastly, I am really really sorry you are going through this. Having gone through this myself, I feel nothing but sorrow for you. Female sexuality is a freaking lotto wheel that spins every month and what is on the board keeps changing. "I'm straight" "I'm bisexual", "I'm asexual", "I'm lesbian", ....freaking scary to those of us who wanted lifetime loving commitment with a wife.

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