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Support » Marriage Counseling - endings » June 4, 2019 8:19 pm

Also, after admitting in dribs and drabs over decades that he has basically cruised guys in college (before he met me) and cheated on me with men throughout at least half our marriage, my then-husband insisted to my face he was completely straight and I was making it up that he was gay. As my friend (mentioned above) said later: I don't know what you are, but you are definitely not straight.

Support » Marriage Counseling - endings » June 4, 2019 8:14 pm

I just want to second Lily's excellent advice. All the divorce books estimate your standard of living will go down during/after divorce, but post-divorce (and for the first time since I met my X), I am routinely saving money and not living paycheck to paycheck. Why? because, as in Lily's case, my then-husband had opened a checking account I didn't know about at the same time as a savings account that I did know about--and then proceeded to divert money that direction without me realizing it wasn't all going into savings. A mutual friend who put him up after I kicked him out told me later that what he told her suggested he was spending it on hotel rooms and buying sex. So--I don't have hard proof, and it all turned out in the end fine for me, but I would recommend being very very financially vigilant right now. Get some professional financial and legal advice, too, to help you navigate this.

Good luck!

General Discussion » Thoughts on Incoming, Thievery, and Restraint » June 4, 2019 8:03 pm

ADSJ, I just wanted to thank you for your post in the stories section. I gained a lot of hope from it. I am so happy you have a new family that you are building. Take good care of yourself and shine on!

General Discussion » Thoughts on Incoming, Thievery, and Restraint » June 4, 2019 7:52 pm

Yes, this really boggles my mind, as well. I, too, thought it was as simple, straightforward, and cut-and-dry as your dad. (Love that quote!) No special extra things needed in life: you committed, and then you honored that commitment. End of story. (Actually, beginning of a really great story, if commitments were honored...) I sometimes wonder if I will ever understand it, and if not understanding it means I don't have "acceptance" of what happened to me. 

I was thinking of this type of thing when I attended a Memorial Day ceremony recently that our son was a part of--there wasn't anywhere else in the world I'd want to be than at our small town ceremony watching him and his friends and our community honor veterans, and yet this person that I thought I knew (my X) felt completely fine being AWOL -- he's moved away to another town and in with another woman (!), and leaves 90-95% of the parenting and daily life up to me. I couldn't imagine doing the same thing, ever, it literally doesn't compute in my brain...

Have you read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home? That's one description of what happened in the 1960s and 1970s, pre-LGBT movement. Yes, it was definitely going on. The Straight Spouse Network podcasts also have a couple of guests who are older and speak to the world of clandestine cruising that existed before apps, websites, Craigslist, Tinder, Grinder, etc.

Bechdel suggests in FH that things should be different now, or at least they were for her coming out in the 1980s (in that she didn't feel pressured into a heterosexual relationship). But I think our experience here shows that it really isn't all that different, as much as we wish it would be. Her book about her mom ("Are you my mother?") suggests that her mom essentially felt (once she did know about her husband's sexcapades) that the secret was now hers, too, and she lived for years in fear of being exposed, even though it was an abusive relationship in other ways, and it was obviously not her secret to keep.

General Discussion » Friendz! Whatz on R mindzzz? We can do better than catz on UTubezzzzz! » May 15, 2019 7:14 am

This is wonderful! You're so great, OMOTF!

Sorry, I have been off the boards often because this is also a busy time for me and--well, I don't know what to say a lot of times. The fact that it's the same sad story over and over again--sometimes it wears me down, and I can't even find benefit from trying to hold others up.

Two things on my mind:

1) Similar to what Rob posted: how to handle telling people who are long time friends but not close friends. When one was visiting two weeks ago, I glossed over the cheating and just talked about all the lies and secrets and that I no longer felt safe with this person because I didn't trust him. And I noted he blocked me from having access to his doctors and blamed everything on me and was suicidal for months. This is all true, but I just end up feeling like it makes me sound like the crazy person when I say: hey, I don't even really know or have any good proof of what the story is here.

2) I'm really angry that he is all super nice-nice on the surface to me now, as if nothing at all happened. It's all--let's pretend this never happened, and look at me, I'm such a model ex-husband! Hey everybody--I'm super nice, and she's crazy! Meanwhile, whew, so much manipulation built into all those "nice" actions. He sent me a mother's day card--but I don't even have thick enough skin right now to open it and deal with it. Trying to decide when and how to approach it...

So, that's where I'm at. I really don't want to descend into bitterness, but I am not sure how to transition out of this place I'm in right now.

Thanks for contributing all!

General Discussion » Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill. » May 1, 2019 6:58 am

Also: one more ray of sunshine--our local drive in is opening for the season this weekend to show Avengers: Endgame. I'm going to get BBQ from my favorite spot nearby and go to the show, and then get ice cream at my favorite spot on the way home (if its open for the season--might be a little early). I am SO GLAD I called an end to it all. Like Captain Marvel, I'm going to emerge from the lies and gaslighting to become one of the most powerful weapons in the universe:  "I’ve been fighting with one arm tied behind my back. But what happens when I’m finally set free?"

General Discussion » Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill. » May 1, 2019 6:32 am

Oh, but be heartened, dear Straight Spouses, that even when people don't "know" they may KNOW on some level! Case in point: Mr. DL told Dear Son (aged 15, who doesn't know about the affairs with men) about the new woman two weeks ago. DS's reaction? First: I already know because I can read your texts faster than you. Second: I refuse to meet her until you tell mom, because I'm not sneaking around on mom to go meet your new woman. 


General Discussion » Feeling Anger today. No love. Zero chill. » May 1, 2019 5:57 am

Good morning all, 

I haven't posted in a while, largely because I am in a similar space to this thread. I'm so sorry Mimi, OnMyOwn, and all, because I know, too, how frustrating it is. My divorce isn't final for another two months, and Mr, Down-Low (my former husband of 23 years) arranged a special in-person meeting to announce to me the other day that he's met someone else--a woman! Apparently they met last August and moved in together in December, which means two things: 1) he did a total about face from threatening to commit suicide because I didn't love him/berating me that I didn't care/telling me his death would all be on me-- to jumping straight into her bed, and 2) he flat out lied during mediation about his address and expenses, filing a fraudulent financial form. That now explains why he was so calm during our mediation and when he got fired from his job just prior to our court date. It's all good, because he has a beard again, and she's paying for everything!

Well, good luck to her, because what I have pieced together is that he started cruising guys in college. By his own admission, he cheated on me with men during most if not all of our marriage and is bisexual. Plus he has over $100,000 in student loans that were only paid when I shelled out my own money to pay them, and terrible credit, and he thinks nothing of siphoning money off into a secret account for his activities. (Yes, I am a SuperChump--I paid "our" bills while he played.) A mutual friend who took care of him for two weeks during his breakdown recently confided in me that, based on what Mr. Down-Low told them during those weeks, she and her husband believe those activities include arranging sex with minors.

It's hard not to get caught up in the anger and frustration and injustice of it all. I mean, no one would believe my story, it's so crazy! But at the same time--my god, he's so pathetic and messed up--that crazy is real, and thank god it isn't mine anymore to deal with. I approached t

Support » Any support groups for straight spouses in Northern New England? » March 6, 2019 8:54 am

Hi Shellshocked, 

I'm in your region, and I think there is one in Boston, but I haven't gotten to it yet. (They seem super nice via email.) I can DM you more details. 


General Discussion » "If you're a straight spouse what am I" » February 21, 2019 8:33 pm

You all are the BEST! I am so lucky to have found these boards! 

Bentwanderer, I read your other post, and I am wishing you well, and so very impressed with your problem statement (mission statement, I can't recall what you called it--but it's GREAT IDEA!). You sound like you are taking mindful, appropriate steps toward a new phase in life that will serve you well. I am sending you all my best!

I have been on a rollercoaster of anger and guilt these last weeks waiting for the court date, but have recently begun to take some small steps toward peace again. It helps that my GID STBX has continued to act in a way that makes me think: wait, what on earth did I once see in this guy? He is so clearly messed up, full of erratic, passive aggressive, blame shifting behavior, constantly on about his hurt and pain, and shirking responsibility for his toxic actions. We appear in court tomorrow morning at 8:30 in support of our joint petition, which we did successfully arrive at via mediation, despite his surprise job loss on the day we were first scheduled to sign. I have dreaded the court day only from the standpoint of wondering if other surprises await. I have a lunch date with a dear local friend (our every other Friday routine) who knows all and is 100% supportive. We plan to have soup and a good stiff drink to mark the occasion. (And I'll probably eat a bunch of bread.) Later this weekend, I'll cheer my son on at a music performance and my sister, mom, and niece will visit. I will work on knitting a couple of sweaters I am making and enjoy the class I am taking (with new work skills to hopefully lead me to a cool new job) and I will hug my pets and I will count my blessings.


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