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General Discussion » How to get to a better place? » April 21, 2022 1:08 pm

Replies: 14

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LostAtSea wrote:

All of this is so hard. When do you ever stop asking yourself WHY this happened? WHY did God send me someone to betray and hurt me in the worst way? I keep asking WHY , but I never get closer to the answer.

The icing on top of all of this, I received the church annulment paper work and “it” lied! How did you keep continuing to lie blows my mind!!??! The church overruled it and said “FRAUD”. Why do I even have to respond to this is beyond me.

The 'why' may take time to come into focus. It may only be seen years out. 

Personally, while I was once religious, I'm now agnostic. It is hard to see the meaning in this cruelty, disease, or needless wars.

After twenty years I finally saw that my GX was a compulsive liar. Each lie reopened old wounds, preventing them from healing. What helped was to anticipate her lies in advance. To accept and even plan for this deception. This allowed me to proactively counter them. It changed a passive act of being lied to into an active one of me being prepared for her manipulation. It may be worth trying.

Support » Tips for snooping without getting caught? » April 21, 2022 12:51 pm

Replies: 10

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walkbymyself wrote:

I felt like I needed to see his texts to convince myself to accept reality.  Snooping was the ONE thing I did to protect myself during the marriage.  

My husband was NEVER affectionate with me.  He always pulled the excuse that he hated public displays of affection, that he was old-fashioned and stoic and didn't approve of them.  He never, ever had a pet name for me.  He never put his arm around me or held my hand.  When I first snooped, I found his texts calling his boyfriend "Hon" and "Babe".  I was stricken.

This brings back old memories. When I found my wife's phone and she called her best friend "love" with a 😘. My world collapsed.

Here's an idea: can you ask him to see his phone with him in the room?

Propose that you have noticed a change and are worried about your relationship. You feel that he is hiding things and you no longer trust his words. You would like to see his phone right now, with him present, and that this will help assuage your fears. If you find nothing, you will admit you were fully wrong, and will apologize and use this as the starting off point to begin to heal that trust.

As a husband, I would be offended, but I would also want to do anything I could to prove my innocence. If he holds back in any way, especially if he feigns anger and storms off, then you know conclusively he has something to hide.

Just an idea. It is this, or live continuously in fear.

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 21, 2022 12:41 pm

Replies: 26

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Like others, I think you're spouting wisdom, Can’t_make_this_up.

You are right to be offended when people catchphrase their way into politely changing the subject. Your life of many years is going up in flames and "friends" are demurely saying all will be well. If anything, you're learning who is worth your time moving forward.

But I have to say: look at you rise. You were nearly given a triple knockout here by life, instead of lying down you bounced up and swung harder. This chapter of your life is going to be amazing, not because of some warm fuzzy Facebook tagline, but because you're going to show everyone what you're made of. You've got this.

Support » Finding Ways to Process » April 18, 2022 1:31 pm

Replies: 7

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Box breathing is great. Audio meditations on YouTube, Spotify, or a specific meditation app may help. White noise or other machines can assist. If the night is especially a concern, you can try melatonin sleep gummies.

With time the rage will fade. Each day is a battle won. The waves will get smaller and smaller until you no longer notice them, and when you do, you will observe them with new perspective.

Wishing you happiness on the road ahead.

Support » Tips for snooping without getting caught? » April 18, 2022 1:24 pm

Replies: 10

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Thank you for sharing that post, Daryl.

Very sorry to hear that you're in this situation. Had I not snooped I would still be married to a serial cheater, so while it is morally gray, it is worth it to verify any suspicions for the sake of yourself and your children.

General Discussion » How to get to a better place? » April 18, 2022 1:18 pm

Replies: 14

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So sorry to hear this, Lost

Seconding Lynne's comment. Anyone who hasn't reached out proactively has made their decision.

Sadly, there is never a proper forum for the public TGT reveal. I used to fantasize about sharing what I'd found, but many people simply can't fathom the reality of deception involved exists.

The best path is to start fresh with new friends. I'm still learning, but meetup.com, weekly groups, or classes seem to be nice ways to encounter others with like interests. It's not easy, but outside of work, it is the next best path.

General Discussion » Sex after partner » April 18, 2022 1:07 pm

Replies: 9

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Men are conditioned to believe that they don't need an emotional connection for sex. While somewhat true, I believe that most men enjoy sex much more when they are emotionally and romantically connected.

Trust is delicate in all dating, and feeling anxious is only normal after TGT rollercoaster.

To me, it sounds like you may need to spend more time getting to emotionally connect with your partners and to really establish trust. With trust you may feel more comfortable prioritizing yourself, versus simply focusing on pleasing them.

Is He/She Gay » is She Gay - Will she ever comeout? » September 13, 2021 1:43 pm

Replies: 31

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Your notes gave me chills, MJM. I'm so sorry that you had to go through those experiences.

My ex had Borderline Personality Disorder.

In my personal head cannon, I believe the majority of spouses in this forum who take the denial path have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. They take great joy in the deceit and manipulation of someone so close to them.

Support » Female behavioural red flags » September 13, 2021 1:13 pm

Replies: 10

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Thank you, Ordinary Guy. I'm deeply moved by your words, both of very kind support and of your story as a truly dedicated father.

You're onto something true when you talk about a shift versus an absence. Our spouses didn't "become" anything new, they turned off the trained behaviors they no longer needed. The heterosexuality was the mask, not the other. We had done our job in providing them children so we were no longer required, no offered a contract of an open marriage we never wanted.

While these decisions are filled with complexity I can't understand, you deserve happiness Ordinary Guy. Nearly 15 years without contact is...beyond words. This is selflessness at a monumental scale. No one should be forced to live trapped within their own life, a hostage. I'm hopeful you can find a path that allows for your happiness, even if you must stay married until your son grows older.

Is He/She Gay » is She Gay - Will she ever comeout? » September 9, 2021 9:25 pm

Replies: 31

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Rob wrote:

Ordinary guy wrote:

 She reached out to touch me and I just freaked out, terrified of her touch. It was my conditioned response to her attempt at innocent intimacy. I have learned that physical contact is to be avoided at all costs..

4926 days…

Ordinary Guy,

I noticed this lack of affection but only after my GX withdrew the very little she accepted or gave me. I cried when a college friend rubbed my back..because my GX in the decades we were married never did ..always accepted my affection though.. so I thought she was straight. It's probably the gayness but it also showed how narcisstic and selfish she was and how I accepted this treatment...some naive flaw of mine..wish I had not accepted such scraps of basic affection. That said she was a master of doling out just enough to pass as straight.

The patterns in our shared stories are always striking.

My therapist recommended I go get a manicure at a salon because I was so terrified of any human touch. I was sure the problem was with me. It was shocking to me to realize that I could enjoy physical contact. If you feel nervous, exposure therapy of some kind may help.

And please don't be too hard on yourself, Rob. Many of these behaviors we learned from our pasts, often as children from our parents. In my case, my mom was a perpetual disaster, where I learned my value was to sacrifice all to rescue her. This behavior was implanted in me and ready for the harvest when I met my wife. The more I gave, the more I thought I was showing love, while the more she took advantage. 

My ex is committed to her lies. Yesterday she Facetimed our child covering herself in AR rainbows. She enjoys teasing me, while denying it in public. I know she will get married again to a man simply for money, while keeping this aspect of her life a secret. And the maddening thing is...that's not illegal or punishable in any way. Madness.

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