Gatona - I've seen a lot of variety in open relationships.  The couples that seem happiest and healthiest to me are the ones who are brutally honest at all times.

Having been the man attracted to other men in a "don't ask/don't tell" MOM from the ages of 26 - 43, I now see our MOM as a weak decision that only delayed dealing with the fundamental problem in our marriage. 

For most of those 17 years, I believed the connection we had was far more important than sex or sexuality; marriage is not based on sex - it's based on love, values, day-to-day compatibility and shared long-term goals!  And although I still believe those qualities are the foundation for a successful marriage, I now add another: authentic desire.  A "best friends" marriage isn't such a bad thing (especially if you feel you have no other choice), but a marriage without mutual authentic desire is not something any young person should settle for.  You are not meant to be a piece of art that hangs on the wall for your husband to admire from a distance.  You are meant to be loved, body and soul, with unbound intimacy.  If you do not receive ALL of that love and intimacy, you will gradually devolve into a shriveled, malnourished house plant - alive, yes, but really only existing.

Maybe an open relationship is an easier way to transition out of a "good" but unsatisfying marriage.  Maybe it's a way to move on in the short-run without completely blowing up your lives.  For both my wife and I, looking back, I think we regret spending too many of our younger years together.  When I came out to her at 26 we should have split up.  Yes, it would have been ugly and painful and horribly, horribly humiliating for both of us...but looking back...we each sacrificed 17 years to the other and that was a much higher price to pay.

If you want to offer an open relationship to your husband, I encourage you to think less about what you're saving and instead think more about what you'd be sacrificing.  Don't hi

When a man is cheating with other men, residences are far more likely to show up in GPS searches than a gay club or even a motel.  Most cheating is done one-on-one, in a house or apartment, and is arranged through Craigslist or phone apps.

jl - As a formerly closeted gay spouse, I can share a few things that might be helpful...

No one ever talks about this, but our ability to form deep emotional and romantic connections is not inexorably tied to our sexuality.  Although needing to love and be loved is essential, who we love isn't pre-determined the way sexual orientation is.

For example: you, as a woman, love other women - and at least one of them, your daughter, you love quite passionately.  "But wait!  That's not romantic love," you say, and that's true.  However, that doesn't change the depth of feeling you have for her.  Romantic love is different only because sex is a part of it, and having sex with someone doesn't mean you love them.  The ideas SEEM linked, but that's taught to us.  And also, it's far easier to fall into romantic love with someone you are sexually attracted to.  So, for the 90% of the world that is straight, social conventions work perfectly.  For the rest of us, it's a mess.

Which brings me to your husband...based on what you've said, I believe he genuinely loves you.  I also believe he was born with biological wiring that makes him primarily sexually attracted to men.  The big question is ... now that you know that, what do you want to do?

You do have the option of keeping your relationship with him.  But please understand that regardless of what he says or promises he makes or whatever rationale he uses, he will continue to hunger for sex with men.  Therefore, staying together means either opening up your marriage with your consent, or, him having secret sex with men behind your back.  "What about him committing to monogamy with me, since he swears he loves me and I believe him?"  Such a promise, although likely sincere and well-intentioned, defies his biology.  Believe me, there is *NO* upside to being bi or gay or secretly having sex and losing your wife, family and job because of it.  Men only do this because they can't NOT do it.  To believe t

Straightandlost - I'm very sorry that you have reason to be here --- and I'm even more sorry to say this, but...

There is a ZERO percent chance your husband will be faithful in the future.  He's been with hundreds of men for more than a decade and suddenly he's going to stop because you found out?  No.  I'm sorry, that won't happen.

He may cry and beg and plead and promise and do X,Y and Z but none of that changes the fact that he is primarily sexually attracted to men.  That is who he is.  That is who he will always be.

There are thousands of men and women who have desperately wanted to be "cured" of their gay attractions.  They've each paid a small fortune on seminars and boot camps and "reparative" therapy --- and for what?  Nothing but misery.  Some of the most hard-core religious groups that long advocated that homosexuality could be "cured" have shut down and given up.  Please, don't for a minute believe that your husband will ever change.  What he's been doing behind your back is who he is - a liar and cheat.

Wife#2-hope_2b_last wrote:

He laid everything on the table and this is when he told me he was Bi.. I had no problem with him watching gay porn.....we were now going out to the gay bar 1-2 mo .... the question for u is what do I do going forward... from everything I have read is I'm screwed and he is not going to be capable to give me the love and affection that I need as much as I need air to breath. I luv my husband and want to live my life out with him but this would mean he is meeting my emotional needs.

Wife #2,

I don't know you and I don't know your husband...but you do.  YOU know the answer to your question.

Loving, non-sexual relationships can be wonderful.  Having a kind and supportive life companion in your later years is a goal everyone has - no one wants to be alone.  So, there are some people and some situations where a straight woman and a gay man can live happily ever after.  But only you can know what is best for you, and what kind of sexual and emotional nourishment you need.

If there is one thing I want to share with you, it's that you shouldn't trust what your husband says.  Not necessarily because he might be a manipulative, self-serving liar, but because no man should ever dictate to his partner what her feelings and needs are.  If you don't mind the gay porn and you love spending time with him, enjoy what you have.  On the other hand, if you feel that you are slowly wilting inside, end the relationship.  Whatever path you've been on, that will continue.  Your husband won't suddenly become a different, better man.

Please keep us updated and don't hesitate to ask the straight spouses here for their support.  You're not alone in this.