Straight Spouse Network Open Forum
Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.Learn more >>>

DONATE TODAY >>>

You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Is He/She Gay » Joe Kort on SSN Podcast » Today 5:35 am

lily
Replies: 4

Go to post

it is weird isn't it.  Straight people might be ignorant of how different it is for gay people but they don't assume they know better than a gay person what it is like to be gay.  But the bisexuals think they know better than everybody, it's mind boggling.

I had a young bisexual friend tell me in all sincerity that gay men were better at having sex with straight men than women were because they knew how the equipment worked.  It was like we women were poor seconds!  Oh goodness.  They just cannot wrap their heads around the difference of being attracted to the opposite sex.

someone else I know started with I'm straight then she says of course, like all women I get my emotional needs met by other women.  now it's well Ive always been binary gender.  

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » Today 12:18 am

lily
Replies: 16

Go to post

maybe we want undeniable evidence that they are gay because we just know they will deny it.  If it were a friendly or in good faith relationship then you know it would be different wouldn't it - you'd ask are you gay and he'd say oh funny you should say that I have been wondering the same thing myself.  or he'd say oh right I know why you might think that, I am a bit effeminate but really I fancy the hell out of you.  I just completely adore you and please can we etc etc etc.

Robotic sex and no affection.  sometimes the evidence is in what isn't happening.

self doubt is a good thing but the way I saw it I needed to give myself a break, give myself the luxury, give myself the support of not rolling around in it any more - I had done enough already.

It's not that being ready to doubt your own perceptions isn't a good thing in an honest relationship but when you are faced with gay in denial you need to protect yourself from the act of denial.

I gave myself a break from self doubt and I gave myself a break from trying to get an answer from my ex.  I simply accepted he was gay in denial and moved on to what comes next.  I was fortunate enough to be in a position where divorce was achievable and so for me the next thing was to attempt to talk with him about separation - I learned a whole lot more about him that I didn't know beforehand through that process too.

thank you for your kind remarks,  much appreciated.  

ps I thought my ex hadn't been acting on it either.  But looking back now I can identify times where he very likely was.  I never went looking on his phone or computer but don't think I would have found anything if I had.  Yes the perfect husband but always felt aloof from me.  I didn't notice it at the time but he only ever put his arms round me in front of others.
 

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » April 3, 2020 5:02 pm

lily
Replies: 16

Go to post

Yes exactly - I felt the same, though I knew I was unhappy in the marriage I would have stayed for the rest of my life but once I knew he was gay I no longer felt I had to.

What happened for me is that I finally wondered why him saying he wasn't gay wasn't enough - why did the question keep recurring?  and I looked online and found here, or the earlier version of this forum. omg.  by the time I'd read a few posts I knew - it was like a light going off - a massive lightning strike that was illuminating the landscape of my past.

And I learned a new term - gay in denial.  Denial doesn't mean doesn't know it means not telling.

I went to the doctor and he checked me out and gave me a referral for counselling and the counsellor suggested I ask my ex if he was bisexual.  He didn't outright say yes I am thanks for asking sorry I didn't mention it before.  But he started talking about it.  for two weeks.  I kept saying whatever it was it wasn't straight and he should have told me.  So he said after two weeks that he had changed his mind he was 100% straight and then he added if I thought different that would mean I wasn't right in the head.  I could not get divorced fast enough after that.  All rosy thoughts of maybe we could be friends now that I knew went away.

the first time I doubted myself I thought about it carefully.  The conclusion I reached was that I had been always giving him the benefit of the doubt, now I was giving it to me.  I just wasn't going to doubt myself - give myself the benefit of the doubt, not worry or pickle in it, I knew what I knew.

After I had divorced and left him I got my proof.  A friend who knew him from teenage years told me he had been sleeping with men before he ever met me and included some details that confirmed what I had already suspected as to who with.

 

Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » April 3, 2020 2:42 pm

lily
Replies: 16

Go to post

Hi Karis

sorry to say but having been in the same position of thinking my husband might be gay without any evidence to prove it I know how much it just comes down to wanting to know the truth of the matter whatever it is - and yes he sounds gay to me.  A lot of similarities to my ex.  It affects your self confidence doesn't it.  

One thing that stands out to me in your post is him moving onto FaceTiming his gay friend now he is stuck in the home.  To me that sounds like he has been doing more than just chatting with his gay friends and is missing it now.  He does not sound like he is being any kind of a real friend to you.  That was the most shocking part for me - realising how my ex being so friendly didn't mean he was actually being a friend.

Look after yourself, find someone you can trust to talk to.  If it is possible talk to a member of your family.

wishing you all the best, Lily

 

Strategies for MOM's » Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice! » April 1, 2020 5:56 pm

lily
Replies: 17

Go to post

straight is straight.

wishing you all the best.

Strategies for MOM's » Bisexual wife - straight husband - advice! » April 1, 2020 2:58 pm

lily
Replies: 17

Go to post

If you have such a good relationship and aren't concerned about the future of it then yes, good question - why are you here TangledOil?


  

Support » New here, New situation » March 31, 2020 8:21 pm

lily
Replies: 12

Go to post

Hi Tangled,

I can just about hear you thinking oh right so many of these bisexual and transgender gay spouses they talk about here on this forum are narcissistic and that's why they break up the family unit in later life.  And that won't happen to me because my bisexual gay spouse is such a sweetheart.

From my observations the bisexual spouse who stays married without acting on the same sex attraction are few and far between.  So your odds are not good.  Now that I look back, though I believed my ex was faithful, I think he probably was having gay sex on the odd occasion - very infrequent once we were established as a married couple.  But he was one of those bisexual partners who want to stay married in the long term.

I was 19 when I met him, I was 57 when I left him - even if your partner does want to stay married and doesn't want to break up the family in mid-life you are still left to think about how things will pan out between you.

I can say that for me it went from seeming to be the happy couple that everyone wanted to be in our youth to an increasingly nightmarish existence.  our emotionality did not bear fruit with maturity - to the contrary, it became increasingly toxic.

As you say in another post, there are a lot of no-good marriages, yes I do agree - sadly very true.

ps, I also believed my ex was a very nice and completely honest man - no way a narcissist.  Now I think he's a sort of covert underhanded one. 

General Discussion » Covid19/Coronavirus » March 29, 2020 5:51 am

lily
Replies: 37

Go to post

yes I have followed your story well enough to know you aren't having sex with him any more.  My comment is that the loss of self worth we experience is down to more than the sex.  I definitely got better when I stopped sharing a bed with my ex.  But that isn't the whole picture, it is also the lack of affection.  You say you would feel differently if he were putting you down.  The way I see it, the lack of affection, it's not calling me names it was still profoundly putting me down.  

yes we have similar restrictions here.  I think New Zealand is in a good position having shut down so quickly.  You might be able to contain the outbreak of the virus.  let's hope so.

all the best everyone, Lily

General Discussion » Covid19/Coronavirus » March 28, 2020 8:53 pm

lily
Replies: 37

Go to post

beware the blah!

It's what's beneath the beige exterior, or rather what isn't there - the most painful thing we straight spouses put up with imo is being starved of affection.  

I think it's a major factor in our loss of self worth, not just the blah sex.

they are talking about closing down the beaches here now.  like serious don't go out at all lockdown.  Hope that doesn't happen.  It's not like there's that many people on it and everyone is social distancing.  it's so nice to be able to go down there.  

General Discussion » Covid19/Coronavirus » March 27, 2020 6:45 am

lily
Replies: 37

Go to post

thanks Elle.  yes one little microbe has changed the world, hasn't it.  it is strange for all of us.

and finally something that demands attention beyond the split in the human psyche that is expressed in a MOM.  I don't see that term as a label - it's simply what it is, mixed orientation marriage.  

For me the pain of being in a MOM is receding into the past.  The consequences still hurt as much as ever but that scrudgy pain is gone, and went from day one of moving out.  I did 15 years sleeping on the sofa before I left so I know it goes beyond the bed.  It is the emotionality of a MOM - and it goes more and more toxic.  stopping the physical relations helped enormously but it wasn't until I moved into my own home that that pain and confusion of a MOM stopped.  

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum