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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » April 12, 2021 7:41 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 1705

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Hi Sean,
If my husband transitions to a woman does that make him a lesbian because he still likes women? Does that make me a lesbian?

Support » My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans » April 12, 2021 6:55 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 20

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I haven't posted much but I'm still mulling over what everyone said. It's literally been eight days since I caught him cheating and he came out as Trans. I feel some depression along with conflicting emotions of other types which I'm sure are normal.

I don't know yet if I want to stay or go. As one member said, he'll probably be the exact same in five years. This is true. Yet five years doesn't seem like very long to wait, in a sense. This is my second marriage. If I leave him I'll probably never have a relationship again. At least, I can't imagine it right now.

I checked his cell phone today and did not find any signs of cheating. I erased things on his Youtube (subscriptions) and a few other places. If they reappear I'll know he's probably cheating. I hope not because I told him the next time I was done.

I'm not quite ready to be done financially. I've been socking away money from my job, but if we split up it will be difficult for me to maintain a standard of living. It has taken both of ours combined just to rent a basement suite. We're one of those 'below the povery line' working couples.

So I have a lot to think about. Thank you so much for helping me.

Confused1976
PS I haven't gotten into the whiskey. I'm a very seldom drinker, so that's not really my thing though it seems at time as though it would have medicinal effects.

Support » Feeling lost » April 8, 2021 8:35 pm

I too could relate to your pain. Not my exact situation but similar feelings that come up. The helplessness, the confusion, the dreams now dead.

Confused1976

Support » My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans » April 8, 2021 6:53 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 20

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lily wrote:

 yourself just exactly why are you the one feeling confused when it isn't you with the issues.  I mean he could be in whatever state he's in and not know what he wants but unless he's being dishonest with you in some way, why would it end up with you feeling confused.  

It is uncomfortable to distressing to downright suffering to be kept in a state of confusion.

I guess I'm confused because I don't know if his thinking he is trans is real or a product of a fetish. Does he think he's always been a woman because he's spent hours and hours listening to hypnosis which tells him that he is? Why would he need to cheat (virtually) by engaging in explicit sexual talk and suggestions from others if he's trans?

How are the two related? Yet how are they *not* related?

Is the whole "I think I'm trans" just a conveniently timed misdirect to get out of trouble for the cheating?

Confused1976

Support » My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans » April 8, 2021 5:08 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 20

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OutofHisCloset wrote:

My mistake.  When I read this in your initial post "At the moment, if he really is trans I don't see a future because I'm not attracted to women," I thought you were saying you would leave him if he were trans, not that you "could accept the Trans part" (what you say in your second post.

I'm sure that seems confusing. Well, hence the username. I don't see a romantic future but could possibly consider roomates.

C

Support » My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans » April 8, 2021 1:30 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 20

Go to post

Thank you all for your kind words. Actually I could accept the Trans part but the cheating not so much this time. The only thing is, as I explained to him with the Trans part, our relationship would change. I'm not attracted to women. This seems to surprise him, but it's out in the open for him to consider. He says he would never be able to transition without my help. I'm not feeling very helpful right now because he cheated. 

Yeseterday, I said this is not just about you. There are two people, and this involves me as much as you. We're going to talk about my feelings as much as yours.

I don't know if I believe hynosis can 'turn you into a woman' but it seems odd that as long as he's done that is as long as he's felt like he was trans. So there is a part of me that wonders if it's all just a fetish, and not one that I share or would want to share.

I know that the hypnofetish site was free (I checked) but I don't know if he's paid Pro Dommes/Mistresses. Maybe the question is, how can I not afford counsellling (for myself).

This whole thing is just. . .I barely have words for it. I feel like, in a way, because of how he's fetishized it, he's being insulting to people who really are trans and have always felt that way.

Confused1976

Support » My Cheating Spouse Thinks He's Trans » April 7, 2021 7:54 pm

Confused1976
Replies: 20

Go to post

My spouse of five years has been cheating on me virtually for at least three years. He goes to sites like Hypnofetish and hooks up virtually with "Mistresses" who are supposedly hypnotizing him to be a woman. He says this is unrelated to his recent need to tell me that he is trans. Last time I caught him, two days ago, I watched as he erased accounts and blocked people. Honestly he's cheated so many times this way I wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it again.

So I've got quite a mental quandry. 

My husband thinks he's trans.
But I just caught him cheating on me.
The cheating is related to wanting to be hynotized into being a woman.

What the heck??

I'm not sure what to think or feel. At the moment, if he really is trans I don't see a future because I'm not attracted to women. This may partly be anger because he cheated, more than a closedness to loving him in the future. It's just all so sudden - he cheated, but he's trans. And I'm supposed to be ok with all this. (Maybe not the cheating part, it's hard to say) I'm certain  you're going to say get therapy. That would be great but we can't afford it. *This* is my therapy for right now.

Forget support. I need a whiskey.

Confused1976

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