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Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » August 10, 2021 9:34 am

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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Thanks, Lily. Yes, naps have been keeping me sane--strange I didn't think about that as a self-care strategy, but they certainly are. I have been exhausted, even on days when I have slept fairly well the night before, so have been thinking of naps just as a way of getting through the day. Regarding feelings, I have tamped down my emotions for so many years, I am having trouble allowing myself to experience my feelings. Working on that with my counselor. On a podcast I recently listened to, the straight spouse (wife) said she had been ground down to a "nub of a person." That is exactly how I feel. But I am also optimistic that I will regain my true self eventually when I am out of this situation. Thanks for your support.

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » August 9, 2021 11:46 am

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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Thank you, newtotheclub. It helps so much to know I am not alone, that others have been here and are coping. I am not familiar with timing my grief--will check that out. Also working on detaching. Taking care of me is a struggle, but I keep trying every day. The one thing I have managed to be consistent with is taking a 30 minute walk first thing in the morning. Hang in there and thanks for sharing your progress with me. It gives me hope.

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » August 7, 2021 9:56 am

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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Thank you, MJM. I feel like I am on the outside looking at someone else's life. This is so unreal. He is out of the house this weekend, and I am so glad.

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » August 7, 2021 9:29 am

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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Yes, I am done. I had already told my counselor 2 days ago that our marriage was over. This new info is painful, and I don't want to and don't need to know any more. I will be contacting a lawyer Monday to determine my options and next steps. Thanks to all for your support.

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » August 6, 2021 11:20 pm

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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I have been reading and re-reading these posts from last week--so much to learn--so helpful. Tonight I have experienced more of the "trickle truth." I found a receipt from Diaper-Bois for some unknown purchase. Had to look it up to see what this site was and am sitting here totally shocked. A website/support group for gay, bi men and/or men who love diapers--who are sexually stimulated by wearing diapers. I also found a private email account with >3 year history of messaging a couple of men with details about this diaper fetish. Does anyone know anything about this? Is this primarily a gay/bi thing or do straight men also have this fetish? I am generally a very tolerant person, but this makes me ill. It literally seems sick in a mental health sort of way. This seems worse than TGT--but I am thinking it may be a part of it for him. I also learned in the emails that he has been meeting up with these men when he has traveled with me to conferences, when he has been working out of state, etc. The emails are quite personal --he shares things with two of them that he never, ever shared with me. And, yes, he has had sexual experiences with men. I am just sick. I don't even know who this man is, my husband of >40 years.

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » July 28, 2021 9:53 pm

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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I am totally overwhelmed by the responses from you all with such great support. Totally overwhelmed. Just wanted to say thank you. I read your responses as confirming what I have been thinking. I am still somewhat in a state of shock and denial. It is hard for me to believe in this hidden part of him, even though I know it is true. I look at him and think "who is this man?" After the initial shock subsided, I was angry for about a week. Now I cannot generate enough energy to be angry. I am deeply sad most of the time--for me and for him. I do empathize with his situation, which doesn't excuse his behavior. He was/is a product of his strict religious upbringing and the cultural norms of the 60's. But I am not sleeping well. It is hard to get out of bed in the morning. I still work full-time in a career that is important to me, but it is so hard to concentrate--I am struggling to keep up. I work for a couple of hours, then feel exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open. Still working from home, so I take naps. Not good for productivity. I am doing my best to cut myself a break and lower expectations.

I have read somewhere-- and can't find it again right now-- about the importance of distancing from the GIDH. I don't understand that advice and would appreciate hearing more about that. Maybe it has something to do with this experience of mine: I have been able to get away to visit friends and family twice for 5 days each time. When I am away, my thoughts and feelings are clear--that we need to separate, perhaps divorce eventually. When I come home, I become very anxious, find it hard to imagine taking that major step. We resume our typical routine, and it all seems (almost) normal. He, of course, has been super nice since I brought this all up. I realize he is trying to save his marriage, save his cover. But it has an effect on me. Perhaps the distancing is to protect myself in a way that I can think more clearly?

Is He/She Gay » Late in Life Discovery » July 25, 2021 3:09 pm

QuietOne
Replies: 31

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I am 67; my husband 71. We have been married for more than 40 years. Several months ago I discovered he was watching sexually explicit movies about gay men on mainstream venues, e.g. Netflix, Amazon Prime, Dekkoo. I don't know if this is considered porn, but possibly soft porn. Also viewing You Tube videos about gay men. This was happening multiple times each week. I also discovered a box of condoms in his bag (none missing). When I challenged him about these things, he said "I deeply sympathize with the difficulties gay men face in their lives. The movies tell their stories." and "I'm not gay, but I am curious." He said he started doubting his sexuality during high school, but knew he wanted to get married and have a family so "never went there." He said he had never acted on those feelings and never had a relationship with another man. He said that if anything he was on the straight side of bisexual (in a later talk, he described himself as being on the gay side of bi). He didn't have an explanation for the condoms except that he bought them on a whim and that this was such a small thing he didn't understand why I was so focused on that.

We have had multiple subsequent discussions. Each time we talk, I learn a little bit more. He has been viewing gay videos for several years--more the past 5 years. He had several hints during his life that he was gay (for example, as a boy the first thing he would look at when the Sear &  Roebuck catalog came was the boys underwear section). He was attracted to one boy during high school, but also dated a couple of girls. He saw a counselor when he was in college to find out if he was gay. The counselor told him he could not be gay because he wanted to get married and have a family. Well, he found me, we married, and had 3 children, now adults. I asked him the beach question: if you were on a beach with women in bikinis and men in their Speedos, who would you be looking at? He said "the men." Our sex life was always diffi

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