Well done Gwendolyn. You sound quite rational (hard to stay  clear minded in emotional, trying circumstances), and protective of your children without sacrificing yourself.

Hi Anon, absolutely true re avoiding feelings. I’m just recognizing  all my frantic efforts to avoid the difficult emotions all these months. Being too busy is a major strategy. I also can vent a lot (this happened and  then that happened) without actually feeling the impact of my words. I like what you said about becoming more comfortable with the big huge feelings.

I’m going to lay on my back and look at the clouds this weekend. I love that idea, thanks.

And Blackie, sounds like the very best medicine for you was the no/low contact, amazing. Glad things are so much better for you.

Hi Eleanor,
I’m just where you are in terms of my head knowing the marriage won’t work as my husband and I have such different sexualities at this point- & the long cozy history of making dinner together in our kitchen bringing comfort when we are together as a family.. I’ve been in an ambivalent place for 4 years since discovery, & while we’ve separated I’m not feeling resolution of the uncertainty and confusion.i think part of the difficulty is separating from this person who I’ve loved and raised a family with, and part of it is tearing up our home, family rituals, extended family relationships and 401ks.   I really feel for (& with) you. I appreciate all of you offering hope who are further down the recovery road.

I love the thought that working toward a healthy situation for yourself will be most healthy for your children too, & model for them how to grow and adapt to life’s sometimes hard realities. I’m sure we would never want any of our children to someday  stay in a relationship that depletes them, that undermines rather than builds their confidence.

You say living together might be hurting you both. Is there someplace he could go and stay so you could have breathing room? If you are still in a university town I’m sure there are counseling options and a pride center where he could easily get support, so you don’t have to bear that responsibility.  Most importantly, you need time and space to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Remember to trust your instincts - you know who you are attracted to and what you need in a partner. It sounds like your boyfriend is clearly changing from who you thought you were lining up with for a future together.

I guess this whole who is leaving whom is personally on my mind right now and getting me tangled. My stbx does various sexually acting out things  over the years, now  of an autogynephillic nature. I ask him to leave but then when does and happily, I feel rejected again. The dynamic is bogging me down. I need to keep my strength up for the road ahead. I wish I could zap the part of my brain that gets bogged down in feeling rejected and deficient.

I think another issue is my stbx wanting to date again when we’ve only been separated a short time. I know so many of you have exes who didn’t bother waiting til separation to step out on you. Such a lack of control in a part of your life- your partnership- where you expect to feel comfort and security.