My friend - I have a similar story. August 7th 2022, was married for 18 years (anniversary was the 2nd) and 3 daughters as well. I'll be brief, because you have great advice....I had to push for the divorce and get it done. It was finalized late January 2024 after I forced the issue, having reached 4 separate agreements through mediation and her backing out of each one. I tell you this portion because it highlights the only things I should have done earlier, not just in the process, but the marriage...actions are always more important than words. 

My exes actions were always horrible. I just put up with it and always moved the goalposts. I can see that now with hindsight. I suffered for over 20 years with significant stomach and GI issues. I went no/low contact with her in early 2023 and the issues vanished almost overnight (2 weeks). We got separate houses in March of 2023. I understand your pain, as I poured everything I had into my marriage and some I did not even have. I turned down promotions, and gave up many things I wanted to try to make her happy. Her is the reality you need to accept..you cant make her happy, no one can other than her. If she cared about how you felt, her actions would be very different.....she wouldnt tell you she needs to leave emotionally and physically, and still play games with you, cuddling etc. 

Every situation is different. I never bad mouthed her, but I would not lie for her either. 1 of my kids asked me one day and I told them the age appropriate truth. My oldest is an adult and we have a great relationship. The third one, she is on her own journey. Trust that you are doing the right things for your kids and focus on them and yourself, nothing else. She is simply not your concern any longer. Sounds harsh, and some people will tell you it is, its not. 

for the first time in my life, I love me. It almost been 4 full years and I am 46 and just living for the for time in my adult life. I wont put a timer on yours, but hanging o

Hey, welcome, but sorry you are here. I read through your questions, without going into great detail, one thing stuck out for me: The answer to those questions have nothing to do with what you can control. You can only control yourself and your actions, nothing else. Its good to be supportive, but damaging to be a doormat. She has been honest with you and that is great, be honest with her. Your mental health is shaken as a result of worrying about all of the potential outcomes. You must decide for yourself, what YOU want in your life, in a partner. 

Not to be harsh, but the life you had is already ended. You'll move forward together with a new life/reality, or go your separate ways. Clinging to what you had before isn't healthy for you my friend. Take all the time you need, its a lot to process. Come back often, talk to friend, get therapy for YOU, NOT couples therapy. She seems to know what she wants, you need to determine that answer for yourself. 

Best of luck my friend. 

Hi MidwestMom - Sorry you're here, but welcome. I think I am in the minority here, being a straight man whose ex now says she is a lesbian. Mine is a bit different, in that I dont think my ex has any clue who she is, what her identity is, or anything else, she just knows we are all on this planet to serve her needs. Good advice above, I did not hang on as long as many, simply because my identity has always been clear and once I let go of the fact that I was married to a person that never existed, I realized I did not lose anything but had gained the whole world. 

While not a "good time" I am grateful for the experience. My life has opened up in ways I never even considered prior, because all of my energy went to regulating her emotions, walking on eggshells, and being a career, dad, husband to someone that never even liked me, let alone loved me. Now, years later, I have true love....Something to consider I read awhile back; think of your entire relationship, have you ever had true psychological safety? If not, you likely did not experience love, but an attachment (in some cases unhealthy, others not)

Now that I know what that feels like? I realize it took 43+ years to be in love for the first time and I'll be getting married again in the future. You are at the beginning , feel every bit of it, learn what you can, take your time that YOU need, not what he needs, clearly he is getting that already. Time to focus on you. Best of luck
 

MNM - welcome to the forum. Lots of good people here. My advice will be brief, given your situation. It would be to NOT try to figure out someone who clearly can not figure things out for herself. She has lied to you, yes? Why expect honesty from someone who is not honest with themself? Its a question, but I think you know the answer, even if you are not at a point where you want to accept it. Focus on your mental and physical health. Trying to determine another adult out is not something I would recommend. 

Be kind to yourself, take your time. Do what is right for you. When was the last time you did that?

Sorry you had to go through this. I made it through 1 therapy session and at the start of the second, before my now ex joined, I simply told the therapist "I am done, she has been having an affair, but is still lying, but she doesnt know that I know". I too, had checked phone records and she blew up about how much of a violation it was. No acknowledgment of the affair, or that as a married joint account holder, looking at her texts wasnt really a violation, especially since she was lying. 

That started my path to recovery. Good your therapist saw it, but more importantly, that you did. There are a lot of bad therapists out there that fall for that BS. She clearly isnt capable, now, or perhaps ever, of having an adult conversation where she takes personal responsibility for her actions. Awful, and I can relate. Best to focus on yourself and move forward. Life gets very good over time.  

Wishing you the best.

Netjer wrote:

Twenty-two years together, and she couldn’t carve out an hour during a commute?When she finally did listen, she just said, “I listened to it.” No follow-up, no acknowledgement, no reflection.We went to our first couples counseling session this past weekend. We're not trying to reconcile—just figure out how to co-parent and eventually tell the kids. But the level of gaslighting, even in that setting, was surreal.

Since I made the appointment, I suggested she start by sharing her perspective. She opened with: we’re ending the marriage, the focus should be on how to move forward, not on the past. The therapist gently pushed back, saying that sometimes you have to look to the past to understand how you got here.So my wife continued—talked about how long we’ve been together, how we’ve had communication problems, how things got hard when she stopped working after we had kids. I asked if she wanted to add anything else. Only then—after being prompted three times—did she say, “I also realized about 10 years ago that I have repr

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