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General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » October 24, 2022 6:48 am

OutofHisCloset wrote:


   While my situation was far more fortunate than yours, and I hesitate to say something that could be considered just another useless platitude, I will say that my ex left the marriage with more than his fair share of our marital assets (and yes, I realize you don't), and I let this happen.  I considered it then, and still do now, the price of my freedom.  (And yes, perhaps I had the luxury of conceiving it that way because I had assets.)
Maybe the best you're going to do is get the least unfair settlement you can.  I'm sorry.

To Out of His Closet:
My friend calls the spousal support I have to pay my ‘freedom tax’ 😂’


General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » October 20, 2022 11:08 pm

Anon2222 wrote:

I hate my "new" life. Nothing is going well. I'm exhausted, stressed all the time, depressed AF and broke.

I am so sick of people telling me you're better off, it'll get better, you'll find someone else or whatever else BS they can throw at me. I'm miserable as hell and what's the point in lying to myself about how this will get "better".

Maybe if I won the lottery...at least the financial stuff would improve...

Anon- I truly understand what you are going through.  While I am happy to be away from my ex, the devastation he wrought, especially on my daughter, is unbearable. 

I, like you, tire of the platitudes. I think it’s what people say because they don’t know what to say. People who have never been through trauma simply can’t relate.

So I will tell you 2 things (1) what you are going through absolutely sucks and you are justified in the way you feel about. (2) please please think of at least 1 person - and I mean it sincerely that it can be me if you don’t have someone closer - who would be devastated if you didn’t keep going.  For their sake you have to get through every damn miserable day. Because as much as this sucks, you would cause them enormous pain if you didn’t.

Finally, I smiled when you mentioned people saying you’ll find someone else. If I had a buck for every time someone said that I might not be facing homelessness. What on earth makes these people assume that I would want another relationship is beyond me. I think it must be how their feeling that life isn’t complete without a mate. Uh, I’ll take some casual sex at some point but no relationship thank you. I just learned to say nothing.

Hang in there.

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » October 20, 2022 10:54 pm


If only. My attorney and I have been trying for over a year everything imaginable. I know it’s hard for people to comprehend the laws of a no-fault state, especially when you are dealing with an absolute user who refuses to work with you. Even my friends have a hard time accepting it because it is so unfair. I finally stopped trying to explain it. I just tell them it’s complicated. As my attorney told me ‘the court does not give us justice - just a legal end to the marriage.’ I chuckled a bit when you said a one time payment. My gx abused the finances to the point of no assets and mounds of debt.

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » October 19, 2022 8:10 am

How is this my life now? Ugh. I went from thinking things might work out ok in April to a downward slide that won’t stop. 
I sit here on 10/19/22 with no job (the job I got in April that I was so excited about was a nightmare), no income, no medical benefits, no open work prospects, overwhelming debt for which bankruptcy is not a feasible option (it’s complicated but I’ve talked with several attorneys), having to pay spousal support to a cheating alleged rapist sociopath gay ex.  Going back on disability, which my doctors support, is not an option (I can’t wait 8 months for a determination with no income in the meantime and no benefits for the first 5 months). Unemployment not an option with a 4 week determination period for not enough to live on. I’m not functioning or working as productively as I used to - I know that - so I am afraid I will fail at any new job I manage to get (working through this with my therapist who keeps telling me the last 2 jobs were not my fault, but I have a hard time accepting that).

I had just figured out a way to maybe make things work through January with a lower paying job I had taken (after fighting with the court because I needed a break from high stress work) plus doing door dash nights and weekends and then using the little money I had saved to supplement. That meant I wouldn’t have to break my lease so no extra fees and negative credit report. I went to the new job (I didn’t want it - dreaded it - lots of red flags- but I needed a job so the court wouldn’t delay my divorce) on Monday 10/11 which was less than a month from when I stated and I got fired. The boss - who literally spoke to me 2 times over the month - said it wasn’t a fit between me and him. I said you never even spoke to me! It was shady from the start but it was income and medical benefits. So no more job.

My sole source of income is now door dash which I am hoping can cover food, prescriptions, car payment and insurance. I have to break my l

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 24, 2022 10:37 am

LMM wrote:

Can’t Make This Up,
Thank you for giving voice to my feelings alongside me! And for reminding me what’s true. It’s very validating to read. I haven’t come on the forum lately, but was really strengthened by reading this.

I’m also seeing how cultural this platitude giving is, that some groups do it to everything and some don’t go there. I’m now almost 2 years past going to my old church, where they said those things to me. I sometimes left the service to sob, not just cry but gut-wrenching sobbing, because the songs and pastors said things along these lines. One time a pastor yelled, “Depression and mental illness can’t stick to you if the Holy Spirit is in you! Cancer and chronic illness can’t stick to your body either!” Times like that felt just as painful and damaging as my husband’s abusive behaviors felt.

Now I’m 8 months into a very loving, less religious church. When I told a couple of people about my upcoming divorce and why it’s happening, they hugged me. They checked in on me and one brought dinner! One sent an origami bird in the mail. My new neighbor reacted the same way, asking if she could give me a hug. She didn’t let me do the “shrug it off as better” thing, either! Since I don’t know her well, I tried to say how it’s been going OK and I have a lot more peace. But I’m a grandmotherly way, she frowned and said, “It’s still very hard on you, though. Be gentle and take time for yourself when you can. You don’t need to put on a brave front all the time, not when you’re feeling sad or alone.” That was such a meaningful moment for me, having her validate it so warmly.

Oh LMM. This message is making me tear up. I think I mentioned that personally I have no interest in organized religion, but I think that everyone should make their own choice and if a religion speaks to them and helps them - them go for it!  So I am appalled that an entity and people who should have provided absolute sol

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 24, 2022 10:21 am

lily wrote:

wow, that does sound good, fingers crossed for you.

It's hard not to say I am doing okay with a nice bit of sunshine to cheer us up after all the floods.  

I overdid the gardening a couple of weeks ago and I was more tired than normal, I did not feel well for a while and now I have stopped taking all the sugar, oh boy that was an awful shock, I went out and bought lots of fruit juices so I could get more fructose.  and these last couple of days I really am feeling better again.

I am so sorry about you losing your cat. I know that people who aren’t pet lovers can’t relate to the significance that animals have in our lives.

When you talked about not feeling well it really hit a chord with me. Physically I feel worse than I ever have in my life and I think stress and not getting enough sleep at night are big contributors. I made a commitment to myself yesterday that I will make taking better care a priority so I can see if it makes a difference. Glad you seem to be doing the same. Take care.

I feel more and more established in my new life, I am proud of myself and comfortable in my company, I lost my cat but have become more friendly with my neighbours in the process - not that that makes up for losing her, of course but it helps.

I have no answers but I am working on my answer.

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 22, 2022 10:15 am

HopelessRomantic wrote:

Just popped in to say congrats on the job!! Wishing you well, keep us posted.

Thank you HR!! Did the drug screen this morning and actually had a call with another company to set up an interview so hopefully a back up plan if necessary!  I so appreciate your kind message!

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 22, 2022 10:13 am

Upside wrote:

Like others, I think you're spouting wisdom, Can’t_make_this_up.

You are right to be offended when people catchphrase their way into politely changing the subject. Your life of many years is going up in flames and "friends" are demurely saying all will be well. If anything, you're learning who is worth your time moving forward.

But I have to say: look at you rise. You were nearly given a triple knockout here by life, instead of lying down you bounced up and swung harder. This chapter of your life is going to be amazing, not because of some warm fuzzy Facebook tagline, but because you're going to show everyone what you're made of. You've got this.

Upside - I think I am tearing up reading you wonderful message. Thank you so much for your kind words. I know for sure I can say the same about you!! Take care.

General Discussion » SPARE ME THE PLATITUDES » April 20, 2022 10:37 pm

lily wrote:

wow, so pleased to hear that - hope the job comes through.  

Thank you so much Lily! I just completed the paperwork for background check, etc. The people I advised about my credit score were very kind and said they did not foresee a problem. It ain’t over til it’s over but I am going to let myself be happy about this!

How are you doing?

Support » Seriously struggling with my self esteem. » April 19, 2022 11:22 pm

HopelessRomantic wrote:

I’ve spent literally my entire adult life starving for my spouse’s attention/affection and never getting even close to enough of it... my confidence is emaciated and my self esteem worn thin. When my youngest was conceived, it came as a huge surprise because my husband almost never touched me and at the time I had given up even trying to initiate anything because I was so sick of being turned down. We haven’t ‘successfully’ made love since. It’s been over a year. We’ve tried a couple times, but it always just kind of ends unceremoniously a couple minutes in and I’m fed some excuse. I’ve been dining on excuses for years, constantly trying to ‘save’ my marriage and make this work.

I tell myself “it’s not you, it’s him” but I still feel like it’s me... like there’s something wrong with me and I’m just not worthy of being loved or wanted the way I wish I was. Like I could never be enough for someone. I’m 1/3 of the way through my life and I feel old and frail and jaded; I feel like a broken toy.

Dear Hopeless - so many things I want to say to you as I cycled through those emotions until I finally realized the truth. I am super tired so will respond more later but as someone older than you - 56 - I have to tell you:

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