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General Discussion » definition of success? » September 30, 2020 10:23 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 47

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While I appreciate you sharing what you've heard, I'm referring to actual statistical data with percentages, verifiable sources, etc.

And while only tangentially related, I'm afraid I'm with OOHC. Leading people to believe in  unlikely outcomes isn't doing people any favors and I don't really support that. I'm all about honesty. It's the gaslighting lies I wanted to get away from when I sought support here.

To actively endorse those unlikely outcomes seems like passive abuse from a source that says it's about supporting people. It's the so-called unicorn that keeps people in abusive relationships and I can't support that either. If it had remained on the designated board I was willing to respect it but it appears that the whole board is likely to be MOM focused now. So I think I'll be leaving as well. I'm healing and don't want to derail that with more of what I've read on here recently. OOHC gave excellent advice. I'll always be grateful to her. And by the way, Dutchman, for future reference slander is verbal. Libel is written. And I still stand by what I said. No one has to stick around for abuse.

General Discussion » definition of success? » September 30, 2020 7:32 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 47

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Are you aware of any statistical data that could be shared as well, Phoenix? I know that doesn't tell the whole story for people but I would have really liked some hard data when I first got here. People can do what they like with that kind of thing of course, but quite frankly I think it could offer a more neutral source of information. Everything we post is subjective to our own situations. I think people who have left, are thinking about leaving, are thinking about staying, or even thinking about dating someone who has been honest about their sexuality might find a resource like that helpful to make informed decisions. There's a dearth of information like that.

General Discussion » definition of success? » September 28, 2020 9:58 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 47

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I'd agree MJ. I think the other issue is that for the most part, those of us who have had abusive experiences with this 'are' staying off the MOM board but that the MOM board bleeds over with its perspective of 'it can work' and it's like rubbing salt in the wound for the people where it didn't. Or in the worst case where there was abuse involved. Our perspectives are in opposition. I don't think it's surprising that there is friction and sometimes anger involved. People who stay feel judged, and people who don't do too. I don't think it's fair to those who stay out of the MOM section, though, to be expected to stifle our viewpoint in the general section too.

General Discussion » definition of success? » September 28, 2020 7:37 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 47

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Personally I'd appreciate not being preached at regarding the glories of being in a MOM or told how to post, thanks. I reserve the right to respectfully disagree and don't care for tone policing. You can post where you like but you can expect pushback if some of us disagree with you.

Support » Having a rough day » September 28, 2020 1:38 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 37

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I would be gentle with yourself about assuming too much responsibility too. There's no way you could have known this would happen. You made the best decision you could based on the knowledge you had at the time. There was another adult in the equation. One who didn't provide all the information you needed to make an informed decision. So many of us only see the hints of this in hindsight. Sometimes not even then. You were sincere in your love and devotion to your family. Your kids will always have access to that from you. Focus on that instead would be my suggestion.

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 10, 2020 7:58 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 49

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Victo, hopefully you can see some light at the end of the tunnel! Any improvements in your neck of the woods for getting out to socialize? If not, I hope things improve for you soon.

Guy, I'm sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling. Whatever you end up doing, I'm sure you'll make the best choices you can that feel right for you and your kids regardless of what your wife chooses to do. Daryl and JoeC have been where you are and Phoenix is a good resource too. They always seem to give wise advice from the male perspective. Keep your head up!

Support » What about consequences? » September 10, 2020 6:39 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 21

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Sorry JaneWonders, it's hard not to have confirmation, to feel like no one cares. Do you have others you can lean on for support? If you do, reach out if you can. If not, post here when you need to. We care. And if you aren't in the habit of doing so, start doing things for yourself. Care for yourself in ways that can increase your feelings of value. You deserve that. Best wishes.

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 10, 2020 11:12 am

Whirligig
Replies: 49

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I didn't slander you. I said nothing in detriment of your character. I disagreed with the 'idea' that it's somehow the responsibility of the straight spouse to prop up or support the gay one. That you did so is your choice. I don't think it's a healthy one myself and the original poster is being actively stepped out on so your situations aren't analogous. You seem intent on personal attacks so I won't be engaging with you further.

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 10, 2020 9:54 am

Whirligig
Replies: 49

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I understand just fine Dutchman, I stand by what I said, I disagree with you, it's not about you, and I'll do and say what I like.

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 9, 2020 9:09 pm

Whirligig
Replies: 49

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Dutchman wrote:

And also the reason the straight spouse has an important role to try to be (something) like a rock in this turmoil.

I had to address this because I think it's such a toxic idea. Straight people are not support humans for the LGBTQ community. We are not crutches. We are not human sacrifices. And we are under no obligation to be such for people who enter into relationships with us under false pretenses. There should be no expectation that we assume that 'role' or that we 'try' to be someone's rock in turmoil of their creation. They can work that out with a therapist or their clergy if they are so inclined. Straight people have no duty to stay with someone who has lied to or abused them.

Frankly, I think this is poor advice regardless of sexuality. Telling someone it's their responsibility to try and make it work is a guilt trip. It keeps all sorts of people in bad situations way too long. If it's not healthy, if it's abusive, if someone is lying to you or treating you in an unacceptable way, you have every right to leave. Period.

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