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General Discussion » The Forum has been so quiet! » April 20, 2023 4:00 am

Replies: 23

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I'm in a mixed orientation marriage. We're married 37 years, monogamous, and in all respects (including sexual) a relation that makes us both happy. Though I do understand your current situation, because after my wife came out as lesbian (17 years ago), it was very difficult and confusing for us as well. 
If you're interested how we went through it, you can read a lot about our story in the "strategies for MOMs" section:

If you've questions please post in these topics. (esp. because my wife can only reply in her own topic there) 

Strategies for MOM's » Not sure where to start... » April 8, 2023 10:45 am

Replies: 4

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I get the impression your relation is/has been rather platonic. Maybe because your wife is lesbian, or al least leaning that way, never allowed herself to think/explore that. Your stance in it is harder to understand. You're straight (you worked that out), but didn't the lack of sex with your wife bother you? Occasional having sex, with a couple of years in between would bother most men. Didn't you bring that up as in "I really have to talk to you about an important issue"?

When you got more hints she was into lesbian romance novels, you suggest to open up the relation (?) She objected that. Then you both objectivy the whole thing...(?)

Both your (re)actions are confusing to me. It doesn't fit the pattern. So I'm wondering if one (or both) of you could be asexual?

If this is the case you most likely get a very different dynamic in the relation then mine. Even if your wife would resemble my wife in certain aspects (lesbian without realizing it for many years), how it develops and unfolds is the result of the combination of both spouses. Me being a heterosexual man is certainly part of this equation.

That being said, it doesn't mean you can't achieve a succesful MOM given your situation. But keep in mind that both spouses are equally important in it all. Not just the obvious "villain" non-hetero part of it. If both combine their sincere will and go for it, they'll get there.

PS. Maybe I didn't interpreted your post well, so forgive me if i'm wrong in my thoughts, I don't want to insult you in any way. It's just that there are confusing aspects in your story.


Strategies for MOM's » Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next » December 24, 2022 4:51 pm

Replies: 15

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your wife is lesbian, in that sense it's to be expected she's not physically attracted to you being a man. Her sexual preference is directed towards the female form.
I get the impression she's beating about the bush, by refering to you as getting older, even the abuse in childhood is (probably) smoke screen. Maybe in an attempt to soften the message, as she also tries not to hurt your feelings. But also making it easier to herself to express that sex isn't the thing for her, and hopes it's off the table.
Well, she succeeded in that. But she's in the dark what you really feel and what consequences this all has for you.
She doesn't understand you really, and knows not what you feel nor what you felt all those years in marriage. Maybe just in a general abstract way that you liked sex and enjoyed it more than she did.
To her, putting intimacy on hold is not that different situation as it was before. Being sometimes physical pleasurable, but emotionally without deeply felt connection.
Chances are she assumes this is about the same for you (with nothing in herself to compare it to). True, you'll have to cope with your male libido, but nothing near what the real emotional consequences for you are.
Like you are missing an essential part of what you want to share and experience in a relation with someone you love. 

Are you talking regulary with each other about the problems? For it's quite something you're going through. 
If so are you clear enough to your wife about what you feel. Or very cautious not to hurt her feelings, empatizing with her so much that you rather take the consequences on your shoulders.
But what about your feelings and expectations of marriage? 
You both went to couples therapy, was the result of these sessions that you simply had to learn to cope with the situation? Nothing about what your wife could do to work towards a solution for the situation? 
When did the "abuse in childhood argument" came into play? It's a bit odd that only after 1

Strategies for MOM's » I'm putting forward a request to change the name of this board » December 15, 2022 9:53 am

Replies: 15

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True wrote:

This MOM forum doesn’t fit my situation at all. 

I think the "Support section" fits your needs and situation better. 

Strategies for MOM's » Everything is falling apart » December 12, 2022 1:04 pm

Replies: 9

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If I understand you correctly, your wife has single sidedly decided she want's an open relation om her side, you are expected to follow along...
Didn't she question the ethics of her conduct or how her actions would impact you?
You ask how long that would work? Well, I would suggest: zero days, for this is not how someone would treat someone they supposedly love.

Are LBG different kind of humans, that are above questioning the morals of their behaviour? There is a trope of this kind of reasoning in western culture.
Totally non-sense of course, but many fall for it (subconsiously). The highest moral standard is "following your feelings and living it out", and that trumps everything else.
Well... that leaves you with nothing, you should wave the rainbow flag while your wife lives out her desires.
Is that part of the reason you are even considering to endure this ordeal?

What if your wife was straight and she went out on tinder, matched with a man there. And the same line of story unfolded. Would you even consider enduring that too? 

The fact in your situation it's about same sex, doesn't change anything at a fundamental level. She's cheating and actively persues an adultery livestyle. Period!
Draw the line!


Strategies for MOM's » I'm putting forward a request to change the name of this board » December 12, 2022 9:30 am

Replies: 15

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Yes I know you think it's okay. You're posting here because of the word MOM. But this is a site for straightspouses not lesbians, homosexuals and the like. I think by all means have your own MOM thread and post nowhere else (like Sean's thread) if you must be here but I still think we, the straightspouses... deserve the name of the thread to more reflect the space most of us are in... One of anger, confusion and needing the support of others in the same space

I think you're indeed somewhat confused, for I am a straight spouse. I write to support other straight spouses that hope to make their MOM succesful and are willing to work on it. I don't understand why that is bothering you.

Strategies for MOM's » I'm putting forward a request to change the name of this board » December 10, 2022 4:35 pm

Replies: 15

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I think the MOM acronym is okay. Mixed Orientation Marriage, is accurately enough to define the situation. I suppose most people will understand what it stands for. It isn't ideal, but I haven't encountered any other acronym that is more clear.
The "fluffy ducks happy" annotation you suggest isn't at all obvious to me. So this may be a personal thing/impression of you? 
Then again, some people create a disturbed watered down image of a relation, that should pass as marriage, of which I wonder why it's called marriage at all. So, if that's what you mean?

Strategies for MOM's » Seeking help as I finally face deciding what's next » December 10, 2022 4:11 pm

Replies: 15

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yep I do understand what you're saying, how you're feeling. Man it's hard when you realise the reality. The dreams and expectations you had are shattered.
What you feel wasn't the same as she felt. And probably you had some questions why her feelings didn't seem to align with what you felt for her. 
And tried to reason that away, like women aren't that interested in sex like man, she had a negative sexual view because of her youth/parents and things along that way.
But than you get to know the reason, the matter of fact. However hard this is to take in, it's a possitive thing she told you. 
Much better than keeping dragging on in a situation where it's not going okay, while you have no clue what the real reason is.
You could have kept going on for years like that, and that wouldn't also be that great right?
Truth has come out, but nonetheless it's very hard to take in. I totally get it, and all the emotional consequences this has. Your history is not that much different than mine. 

What to do? Well, resist that your relation is becoming a roommate situation. You're married, and among other things, it's a special and intimate bond.
If you want to be and stay married, that is supposed to be part of it. So... find a way to get this going is some form.
Maybe you both do and try? You don't provide info on that aspect.
Anyway, it won't be what you want or hope, but it brings about contact. Opportunity to give love, and alas opportunity for dissapointment.
But at least you engage, you can't avoid. Leaving the other on their own island, and living along side each other is hopeless and not leading anywhere. 

You have to go into each other, talking, opening up, being honest. Accepting each other totally! Accepting yourself and being known to each other.
If you think you had this before, you're wrong. You were not even close to that. But you both will only realize this after.

What I take from your description is you're at the point where things are sort of "s

Strategies for MOM's » Happy MOM for 15 years and going (lesbian & str8 man) » December 1, 2022 8:48 pm

Replies: 53

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what you both have to work through is quite a lot. Coping with finding yourself in a MOM situation is complicated. For you, and for your husband. Both have to deal with feelings, questions and pain. 
We certainly weren't excluded from that, sometimes it was so very very difficult. Reading your post, I so much understand the predicament you're going through. I just have to close my eyes and think back to those years, and feel the hurt of that situation again.

The only way that I can try to really help you, is by telling our story and how we got to a solution. Providing hope but also knowledge to get to where you want to find yourself. We had to find our way without any guidance or outlook, so I hope it makes a difference in that regard. But it will not avoid the painful experience you both have to go through. It has to go to the real fundaments of love, total acceptance, complete authenticity.
Just "somewhere in the general direction" won't do, it has to be really real and heartfelt. That's what makes the journey so hard, no shortcuts are allowed. (well... you'll probably tried or still try, but it won't work).

It's a joint venture, you both have to go this way. Each with their own specific package of trouble. The straight has other kind of troubles to deal with than the gay has to. And a man has other kind of problems as compared to a woman. One is not harder than the other, it's only different. Each has to cope with their own personal challenge. However, you can (and should) try to understand and support each other, but each has also an individual path to go. Next to the common goal you go for as a team, that aims at getting the marriage to what and where you both want it to be.

The goal of a succesful MOM is not "some lesser than". If anything, a succesful MOM is more than you expected or thought. For when you get through the huge obstacles, you have a relation that goes beyond most marriages, and with a depth that many relations never achieve. And i

Strategies for MOM's » Everything is falling apart » December 1, 2022 7:56 am

Replies: 9

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Hi HereInMnpls

I'm married 37 years, we're  now 17 years after my wife disclosed she is lesbian.
To answer your question: We made it work, romantic, intimate, sexually, all what a marriage should be. And we're 100% monogamous.
So yes, it is possible. 
It's not guarenteed, whether you succeed depends on both spouses involved. 

You can read about us and how we went about it, to reach this situation. I bumped the topic up, so it's more easy to find, or follow this link: https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1931

My wife SamanthaNL also writes about it, how it was for her, choices she made and why.

Feel free to ask questions!


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