OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?

Support » Please respond with some moving forward stories » May 1, 2023 8:51 am

Replies: 7

Go to post

Here is my story. 
I married a wonderful man when I was 53.  He was kind, loved me dearly, had many friends, loved to travel and ran a successful business.  I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.  Ten years into the marriage he began to dress like a woman, in public, became obsessed with drag queen shows and LBGTQ events, and eventually confessed to being sexually attracted to "some men'.  He had an encounter with a gay man at a gay resort and got an HIV test and never told me (but continued to have sex with me).  

Lots of awful stuff ensued and after living in his fantasy world for two years and realizing he would never change, I left.  Moved to another state.  Filed for and got a quickie divorce via a 9 minute Zoom hearing in the middle of the worst of Covid.  Gave away every single item that we bought together.  Banned him from contact after six months of him calling incessantly and begging me to take him back.  ("I've changed!"   No, you haven't.)  

It's been 3 years now.  I'm living near family and spend lots of time with my grandchild.  I bought a condo and made new girlfriends.  I'm working at a part time job that I love.  Money situation is precarious and I don't trust men and  will probably never have another romantic relationship, especially at my age (67).  But life is good and every day is a blessing.  I no longer have to deal with his craziness.  My sleep has improved.  My anxiety is gone.  

Leaving him and establishing a new life is the hardest thing I've ever done.  I am still angry at him for what he put me through.  He thinks he is the victim.  A "friend" sent me a photo of him last week.  He was dressed up as a woman.  It was haunting and traumatic but I put that behind also. 

You will move forward too.  One day you will look back and wonder how you did it but marvel at the outcome. 

Please take care and God bless.  

General Discussion » Three Years Down the Road » March 8, 2023 9:27 am

Replies: 3

Go to post

It's been 5+ years that I discovered my husband of ten years (in his 60s at the time) was identifying and dressing up like a female.  Three + years since he admitted he had sexual feelings for "some men".  Three years since I left him and filed for a divorce. 

I would like to say that I am healed but the trauma still remains.  Certain news events are triggers.  Lea Thomas competing as a woman swimmer, the political turmoil about trans, and most recently the trans that Hershey candy bars picked to be one of their women spokespersons.  

I still have nightmares about him, on a regular basis.  In all the dreams, I have left him and he is trying to get me back and I am running as fast as I can to be free of him.  

I've created a completely new life for myself.  I moved two states away to get away from him, to a town where my daughter and granddaughter live.  I spend a lot of time with their little family.  I bought a condo.  I have a part time job and have made some friends.  

Sometimes I want to call him up and ask him - Why?  Why did you pretend to be a real man?  Why did you want so badly to marry me?  Why did you finally come out?  But, I don't want to talk to him.  And I know that if I did, he would turn everything around and put the blame on me.  He acted as the victim throughout our divorce process.  

There is other fall out from our disastrous relationship.  I left the marriage as fast as I could, got a quickie divorce during the worst of Covid.  He is a well-off business owner and I realize in hindsight that I should have asked for a financial settlement.  I'm comfortably okay, but I keep thinking that he owes me something.  Also, I know that I will never have another romantic relationship.  I'm in my late 60s now.  The few interesting men I meet always have significant others.  And then I think, even if they didn't, I would be too suspicious to trust them and it wouldn't work out anyways. 

As for him - I heard he was living

General Discussion » Can you remain friends? » July 15, 2022 7:19 am

Replies: 7

Go to post

We resolved to be friends during the divorce, two years ago.  Couldn't happen.  All his phone calls were whiney "Poor Me" attempts to try to make me feel sorry for him.  I told him repeatedly never to call me again. 

He texts me now & then on the pretext of seeing how I am doing but it's apparent that he doesn't really care because the "how are you?" devolves into a monologue of his new life, which is still closeted.  And he doesn't understand the hurt and destruction he caused me.  I moved away to another state so I never have to see him.  I somehow feel better hearing from him on occasion but the truth is, I hate him.  I could never be "friends" with someone who did what he did to me.  

Support » Anyone in the same boat? » July 11, 2022 7:23 am

Replies: 17

Go to post

I read your story and it sounds like a lot of the stories I've read on this Forum since I found it in January of 2020.  The issue that still stings, for me, is the realization that he had gay/trans attractions and desires all his life and married me without telling me.  A person who knew him for 40 years told me "I'm not surprised".  And there were all the little signs along the way that didn't add up because I wasn't looking for them but now they haunt me every day even though I divorced him and haven't seen him for over two years. 

Really, the only thing you can do, hard as it sounds, is to pick yourself up and stand on your own two feet - without him.  You don't need him and he sounds like a piece of crap.  He deceived you for years and won back your trust only to smash it to bits.  Bi now, gay later. 

He doesn't deserve you. 


General Discussion » He's getting comfortable and I'm getting frustrated » June 25, 2022 7:10 am

Replies: 6

Go to post

So sorry you are going through this.  I can relate.  The same situation happened when my first ex (not gay) and I decided to divorce.  He was trying to get sole custody of our teenaged daughter.  My lawyer advised me do not leave under any circumstances and my husband refused to leave.  He delayed the divorce and we were together for almost two years under unbearable conditions.  I ended up on anti-anxiety medicine for years.  

It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.  My lawyer told me that guys generally don't leave unless they have a honey who is badgering them to do so.  I coped by making believe he wasn't there and trying as hard as I could to cultivate outside interests.  Don't be mean but don't make things easier for him, either.  Keep telling yourself that someday this will be over, because it will.  

I am thinking of you and I wish you all the best.  

General Discussion » What did you do with the ring? » June 5, 2022 6:58 am

Replies: 12

Go to post

Hi Ag!03,
I'm in the same situation as you are.  I took off my rings when we separated.  I loved them and was so proud of them.  Now I don't know what to do with them. 

The good news - they are considered yours to keep and you don't have to consult with him.  I think my ex was considering asking for my diamond back - after 10 years I found the receipt for it on his bureau.  I never would have returned it no matter what.  

The bad news - in all likelihood, you are not going to get much money for them.  A couple of months ago, I brought my set around to a couple of jewelers and dealers who buy jewelry.  My diamond was a half-carat platinum ring that cost $3,500.  My wedding band was also platinum and cost $2,500.  The highest offer I got was $800 FOR BOTH OF THEM!  I was told "there is no market for used wedding jewelry".  They apparently remove the diamond and melt down the metal.  Ironically, platinum is worth less than gold now.  One jeweler told me "your engagement ring is nothing special" (Ouch!)  

Maybe your rings will be worth more but prepare to be disappointed.  You could also try selling them on your own.  I'm eventually going to try the website "I do now I don't".  But not now, still feeling sad about re-homing the rings.  Like you, though, I feel bad seeing them sitting in a box in a drawer.  My kids don't want them and I certainly don't want to wear them anymore. 

Good luck! 

Support » Pride Month Triggers » June 4, 2022 6:41 am

Replies: 25

Go to post

Thanks,everyone.  That's a positive way to think of this - Pride is for those who are proud of who they are.  My ex liked to attend Pride events but he wasn't, and still isn't, owning up to who he really is.  

Good advice to ignore the whole circus.  

Support » Pride Month Triggers » June 3, 2022 7:32 am

Replies: 25

Go to post

I rarely post anymore, thinking that perhaps my multi-year trauma (ex-husband gay in denial and trans identifying) was subsiding, two and a half years after I left him.  Pride Month is re-triggering me.  

It's everywhere. I go to Kohl's and there are Pride T-Shirts.  Pride support commercials on tv.  Pride parades.  Even Pride hikes.  

Today I had a major trigger.  News article about an interview with Lynda Carter in which she declares that Wonder Woman is a queer icon.  It was timed to coincide with Pride Month.  This particularly triggered me because my ex was a huge Wonder Woman fan.  He saw the movie multiple times and said it was his favorite movie of all time.  

Is anyone else feeling Pride triggers?  

Support » Cross Dressing and Questioning » April 18, 2022 12:41 pm

Replies: 13

Go to post

PaperDoll - I can relate.  I went through a similar experience/nightmare with my 60+ year old husband.  In the end, it was the lying and deceit that ended it just as much as the gay/cross-dressing personality.  You say that he had ED for years.  Mine did too.  His explanations didn't make sense and at the end I realized the truth - he was never sexually attracted to me, or any other woman, for that matter. 

Two years post-discovery, when we were at the break-up stage and I was at my angriest, I left for several weeks and stayed with relatives in another state to get my head together.  I would highly recommend.  It provides an opportunity to step back and rationally look at what is happening.

My ex love-bombed me for months, even after we divorced.  He's living with a guy now.  Go figure. 

I wish you the best as you sort your way through this.  You will get through.  You may be able to salvage your marriage, maybe not - good luck no matter what you decide to do.  

General Discussion » An open letter to my LGBT spouse » March 31, 2022 7:32 am

Replies: 10

Go to post

Rickbert - your first paragraph resonated with me.  It's my opinion that many in-closet LGB (and especially Trans) partners are searching for something ...  A bigger house, boat, new career, new love interest may make someone feel satisfied, for awhile, but it won't last if you are unhappy with yourself.  

In our last 5 years together, my ex-husband dragged me along on endless trips and vacations.  We would barely arrive at our destination and he was already talking about where we would go next.  He was trying to escape from himself.  

Thank you for sharing your letter.  I don't think it would be beneficial to send it to your wife.  She sounds self-righteous.  You will move on.  It takes time.  Best wishes to you.  

Board footera


Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum