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General Discussion » Moderators - we're getting spammed here » May 5, 2022 5:22 pm

phoenix
Replies: 6

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Sorry for the slow clean up.. wasn't by my computer today.    

Thank you for the reports!  Appreciate the vigilance!

Support » My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do? » February 19, 2021 1:31 pm

phoenix
Replies: 19

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Does cohabitating benefit you?  Do the "pro's" outweigh the "con's"?   Be selfish in this decision.. selfish for you and for your kids..  if keeping him around is better for now, then do it.   Do not take his desire into consideration..  he wants to have his cake and eat it too..  

Support » Completely Blindsided » January 12, 2021 1:05 pm

phoenix
Replies: 13

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I'm so sorry you find yourself here MN. 

I went through a similar story.. my ex and I were married for 16 years and she pretended to be straight the whole.. Eventually she found another lesbian and left me to be with her.  

I strongly recommend you check out our beginners guide for some tips on how to get through the first few months.  It should be a big help. 
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1217

I know it too hard right now to picture anything in your mind other than the loss of your spouse.  But there is a future for you.  

I'm much happier today than I was in my first marriage.   

Is He/She Gay » Do I even ask/confront? » January 5, 2021 12:37 pm

phoenix
Replies: 10

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He certainly is displaying some poor behavior.   I would be questioning the same things you are... 

You deserve a spouse who is 100% committed to you and not using social media to have improper conversations with other people.  

It does sound like he has bi-sexual tendencies if he's connecting with both men and women on social media.  That would be a concern to me as well. 

What I really fear is that you will discover more than just virtual interactions on social media.  Many straight spouses find much more and much worse as they continue to dig.  I hope you don't. 

 

Is He/She Gay » Do I even ask/confront? » January 5, 2021 11:16 am

phoenix
Replies: 10

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Let's go back to why you are snooping.  I think that's important.   

Aside from this one instagram account that you have found, do you have instincts that tell you he might be gay?  Is there anything about his personality, your sex-life, your relationship, his behavior that makes you suspicious that he might be gay? 

I think a common trend here is that many of us have/had instincts that led us to be concerned before we ever had any proof.  Sadly, many of us ignored those instincts for many many years before we finally started to investigate.  I wasted way too many years convincing myself not to believe my instincts. 

If you have other concerns or instincts that tell you he is not straight, then you should push this issue.  If everything in your life tells you he is straight and this one instagram account is the only single thing that has you confused.. then maybe there is a good explanation and you don't need to be afraid.. 

...but I have to think you have some question or you wouldn't have snooped on his phone in the first place.   

Support » What Do I Do?? » December 17, 2020 12:39 pm

phoenix
Replies: 6

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When someone tells you who they really are.. believe them.   She wouldn't tell you she was gay unless she knew it for sure. 

Support » Need support » December 17, 2020 1:33 am

phoenix
Replies: 12

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In most cases, when a partner admits to being bisexual, it probably means they are actually gay/lesbian, but won't admit it yet.   Being "BI" means you are still attracted to your spouse and can be fulfilled by them.. and that makes your marriage legit.  Admitting you are gay means admitting you have been lying to your spouse and brings on a lot of guilt.   So most times they inch their way toward the truth by saying they are just "bi" or "curious" or something like that.  

I'm sure that doesn't bring you much optimism or happy feelings..  Sorry!    I just want to prepare you for what is likely to come later. 

You don't have to sit back and let her dictate the future of your relationship.   Would she let you go out on dates with other women?  Maybe you've always wanted to date a redhead or an asian woman or a much younger or older woman?  Do you think that would be ok with her?   Her request is no different.  If you are not ok with her courting or dating or sleeping with another person, then let her know this.  If she choses to do it anyway, then your decisions for your future become much easier to make. 

Sorry you are going through this.  I know how hard it is.   I spent months trying to plead and convince my ex to stay married and committed to me... She was my life.. all I knew.  I couldn't face losing her. 

years later...  I'm so glad she left!   My life is so much better now. 

Support » What Do I Do?? » December 17, 2020 1:27 am

phoenix
Replies: 6

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Start considering your options for the future.  Remember that you are just as much in control as she is.  Don't let her dictate what happens.  

If you are not OK with her seeing someone else and being unfaithful, then set that ground rule.  if she breaks the rule then you know what step is next. 

But take time.. this isn't a race.  You move forward one step at a time when you are able to do so.  

General Discussion » Staying friends with your ex » December 16, 2020 9:24 am

phoenix
Replies: 7

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Being able to stay friends or get back to being friends after a healing period would be good for many of us.  Especially those with kids to co-parent.  For others, the healthiest path forward is to have no contact.  It just depends on the person. 

There are varied degrees of injury sustained when a partner or spouse comes out.  Sometimes it's done with honesty, respect, communication and kindness.  In these situations it could be possible to remain friends throughout.   In other cases (most), there is a great deal of lying, manipulation, narcissism, cheating and anger.  In these situations, while remaining friends would be better for the kids.. the unhealthy side effects to the str8 spouse wouldn't be fair or right to that person. 

Personally..  I hated my ex for a couple years after.  I've gotten to a point where I'm civil with her.  We co-parent very well.  I no longer dread seeing her.. I can endure a parent-teacher conference type event without much issue.   But I wouldn't call her my friend.  I have no interest in anything other than parenting. 

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