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Support » Having a rough day » Yesterday 1:46 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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stevo wrote:

Thank you Ellexoh_nz.  ....... " It takes two to tango".........her biggest fear is not having me in her life and losing the connection we have............. do I wish to remain celibate for the rest of my life? The bigger question is she? Open marriage is out of the question. I can't let her explore while i sit at home,,,no way. To me that is not a marriage. She said the other day, "Let's see where we are 6 months or a year down the road" This is the ultimate mind F$%K.  

 

When there's an added sexual need in a partner  it's definitely not a tango, 3 into 2 just doesn't add up. When I'm away for, say, two weeks I come home and he says "it was boring without you here" I think "I bet you watched a lot of porn though"
You see, being a man he had this sexual need, he loved me but he was able to share that need with a man or woman and thought he was lucky to have a partner who let him have that kind of extra spice. And now things have changed in my corner, I can see the damage his desire to explore with other people has done to my self esteem and I no longer want that kind of r'ship. 
I'm quite happy to be celibate for the rest of my life because all the joy and passion, that molded the first 25 years of it has been smothered by what I see is his disregard for the One of Us that I believed nothing could ever break and his entitlement that he should be able to do as he liked. 
So yes....open r'ship is out of the question
The bigger question (for me) is how long will my partner be able to stuff down his desires, when it seems that need 
has ruled half of our life together. 

And is it fair that I ask him to..?

Elle
 

Support » Having a rough day » September 28, 2020 2:45 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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stevo wrote:

...........  I am no longer in love with my wife, but I sill love her dearly. Trying to adjust and adapt to my new unwanted reality , it is very difficult to say the least. I need to settle my mind ,heart and soul. Not sure how I can do this given the situation i"m in. i just needed to vent as my mind has been working overtime lately. Any advice or input would be more than welcome

 

I feel your pain Stevo. My partner and I have been together forever (this is our 36th year) and I think you're not far enough into this storm to be confident enough and mentally and emotionally strong enough to be able to see your future will be different.

​I took 3 almost 4 years to come to grips with my new reality,  Like you I believed I'd be with him forever and nothing would change the base rock of us. The words he said "maybe one day be fucked by a man" and "I'll never tell you anything again" mean it will never be the same again. 
We haven't had sex for 9 months. I've told him I'm not interested, and he doesn't try to open a conversation about it ....the way I tried to get him to talk about what was going wrong with us. I got sick of trying to get him to talk and now I'm over it, But we made this partnership and I won't leave it til.....well, I'm not really sure what will tip the balance but since sex was the reason it changed, and it was him that changed it.....I'm thinking surely he'll get sick of not getting any.
But what if he is still getting it? What if he sees people within working hours...and is quite happy with the arrangement (I am quite happy with no sex) Does that mean I am in a dishonest MOM? 'screams yuck' 
But what if he's not? I can't ask him because he told me many lies but mostly it's because he won't look me in the eye. Phew! 

Elle

 

General Discussion » definition of success? » September 27, 2020 3:56 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 15

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lily wrote:

... Redefine your idea of a successful marriage
to include the misery of a MOM if you like. 

 
Misery?...ouch!
In my own quest for knowledge and advice on this Forum I managed, on my own but using many of the strategies I read from men and women going through the same thing, to make the decision re my future...all by myself. That's just how I do things....measured, careful. 
And in fact reading some of the long, in-depth and wordy posts from the MOM board of perfect MOMs with both parties contributing to the success of it only increased my uneasy feeling that I didn't want that kind of r'ship. 
Forum members are I believe capable of making up their own minds and seeing how the other half (MOMs) live and prosper, and using the strategies they promote is one of the ways available, but it's not the only way

 While I think it's helpful for some members, the straightspouses...I do believe the straightspouse of the MOM couple should be the only one able to post there

Elle

 

Support » 8 years 2 kids now what ? » September 24, 2020 7:20 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 28

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TakenbySurprise wrote:

...Dad1st,
"Give yourself time and space.  You are in crisis mode and it's ok not to make decisions right now"

This is good advice


 

General Discussion » Staunch heterosexuals » September 11, 2020 7:19 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 1

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I read this on a messageboard I'm on. I've never heard the term before...

""there is quite a difference between bi and staunch hetros
staunch hetros are closet living mostly
have heaps of subconscious bias and live it as express social dogma culture
but never discuss it"" 

I'm getting my head around "social dogma culture" too, but the "never discuss it" part is so familiar.  
I wonder why I'm still trying to find a label for my partner, it doesn't lessen what he did, or what I feel! 
!@#$%^

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 10, 2020 4:59 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 44

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Susanne.... No hard feelings of course not ....and my hurt has nothing to do with my response to you. Your comment "Do you want everyone to NOT say anything positive about marriages staying together just because you’re hurting?" sounded condescending.

While I absolutely agree that the only suggestions you can give are those that you think are appropriate....I also  think as all boards are able to be read by everybody that you should share your “experience, strength and hope’.  within the MOM board. 

Elle




 

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 10, 2020 4:06 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 44

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SusanneH wrote:

l am now confused. If our MOM lasts long enough to be determined “successful “, can I not post anywhere but in the MOM’s section? ......

 

It's a minefield out there Susanne. While still trying to work out where I should be (in the r'ship world) I tended to not post out of the MOM board....because I knew that a straightspouse who knows her marriage/r'ship can't be saved, and is actively moving towards it ending may resent a person still with their partner commenting in anything other than the board specifically started for those still together (and working on it)

So yip I think your advice/comments/posts about making a MOM successful should stay on the MOM board ....where people already are directed to when it's obvious they need the kind of advice and recommendations you can share 

Elle
 

Support » Brand new and trying to figure things out... » September 10, 2020 3:32 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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Horsedogmom wrote:

My husband asked if he could be the one to tell them. I figured we'd do that once the rehab details were in place (I hoped they would be in place by now). My oldest is off at college, so if we wanted to tell them together, we'd need to have a Zoom call...

 

Telling them together is a good idea. All 4 of you I mean. HDM do you think your husband will handle it okay...? 
He has a lot going on it seems....

Elle

 

Support » Wife of 20 years is Lesbian » September 9, 2020 5:48 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 44

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SusanneH wrote:

.....Dutchman is a straight spouse and can post anywhere.

 

He may be a straightspouse but as he's in a obviously-successful MOM there should be no reason for him to post elsewhere. I was snipped at a couple of times when I was deciding if a MOM was for me, and had posted on another board. 

Support » Brand new and trying to figure things out... » September 9, 2020 5:19 pm

Ellexoh_nz
Replies: 16

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Horsedogmom wrote:

I believe it will be for 30 days. Not sure when it is starting. We have two boys 17 and 19. One knows about the drug issue. Both know that there is anxiety and depression. They also are not stupid and have found his toys, so they likely know what's up.

My 2 youngest were a bit older than your 2, but at 22 & 24 I felt they could handle the news that all things were not rosy between their parents. Actually my youngest had the most empathy in that he was totally open to talk about it, let me ramble on, with me checking in with my son about how this was all affecting him. If you have a good communication with your sons they might be wondering why you haven't told them anything. Children see more than we think but often don't verbalise it, don't know how to bring it up, afraid perhaps it's not their place. 

And we all know what happens when stuff is swept under the rug right?

Elle
 

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