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Support » How Do I Get It Back? » October 18, 2022 11:41 am

Blue Bear
Replies: 9

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A couple of observations.

First, you said "After the last breakup though, even though he didn’t want this, and wasn’t attracted to men, he decided to have full gay sex with one of our mutual gay friends". Yeah, he's attracted to men and gay.  Straight guys don't have sex with other men because of the pain of a breakup with a woman.

Second, you said "I feel like there was something wrong with me, and thats why he was so quick to jump into a man’s bed after our breakup when he already kwew he wouldn’t like it. Like I failed him as a woman."  So I'm going to tell you that you did indeed fail him as a woman...because he never wanted a woman in the first place.  You will unquestionably be the right woman for a straight guy who will appreciate you for all you are.  Your "failure" is the equivalent of a fine Italian chef being unable to keep a customer who only likes Chinese food happy.  (In other words, the customer and your partner should have gone elsewhere.)

Third, my ex-wife and I had a decent sex life until she threw away the fraudulent life she built with me and decided to live her life as the lesbian she is.  The ability of the in-denial partner to fake it is unbelievable and screws with your mind in hideous ways.  I thought that something was wrong with me in "turning my wife into a lesbian", but now I realize that I was played in a long con by a master of deception.  These people have masterfully faked  their entire lives, and we are only part of the story.

​Look out for you.  There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing defective about you as a woman or a human being for having this happen to you.  This will get better, but get away from him to start that process.  Good luck, and keep posting.

Is He/She Gay » deleted » October 12, 2022 10:03 am

Blue Bear
Replies: 11

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You asked whether he is bi, gay or what?  He's a "what", and that "what" is "not straight".  What you have described is not reflective of a straight sexual orientation, including his sexual texts with a male co-worker.  Straight men do not do this.

I hate to say this, but I would not be surprised if he's got something on the side.  His grooming, underwear choices, new sexual stuff is not for you.  You have to ask yourself whether you are ok being married to a non-straight guy who doesn't sound honest and is engaging in activities that make you uncomfortable.  As others have said, get yourself checked for STDs and look out for you.  You deserve better than this and will go bonkers living with someone who drives you crazy.


Support » Anyone stay friends with ex? » September 19, 2022 5:40 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 16

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If you have kids, the goal is to be "friendly", not necessarily "friends".

Keep in mind that the person with whom you might be seeking friendship is not the same person as the one you originally met.  The person you married was a fantasy, and the person before you now is the real deal.  And you don't have to be "friends" with someone who lied to you, married you under false pretenses, and totally used you to fake a heteronormative life.

Support » Isn’t it now my story too? » September 19, 2022 5:30 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 19

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My ex-wife started her lesbian affair 4.5 years ago.  It's been quite the journey since then, but I have developed a good perspective.

These marriages are abusive.  (Look up the definition of "abuse" if you question this.). The abuser has no right to control his/her victim's messaging about What Happened.  If you want to tell the world he's gay, that's your absolute, 100%, inalienable right.

Sometimes, the in-denial partner will try to convince their straight partner that they are maliciously outing them, which is dead wrong.  Maliciously outing someone is revealing someone's sexual orientation against their wishes for the purpose of inflicting harm, shame, or other adverse consequences.  That's not your intent here -- you are simply sharing your story, and if your spouse didn't want to be "outed", perhaps he shouldn't have entered into the pretext of a fraudulent marriage.

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » May 10, 2022 8:29 am

Blue Bear
Replies: 2093

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Crystal_H wrote:

Sean wrote:

8. Is this a common behavior for someone to have towards the straight spouse when newly coming out?

Yes. The newly out man is often referred to as a "baby gay" because he goes through a period of child-like self-centredness. This is also called "gay adolescence." If your ex-husband only talks about himself, constantly portrays himself as a victim, and totally ignores your feelings, I see little reason to remain in contact with him. 

Thanks Sean for your responses, lots of good information. Can you expand more on the above or any suggested readings on this? This is very interesting to me.

I’m a guy who went through the special hell of having his ex-wife come out. Her gay adolescence was horrendous, largely defined by her ignoring me and our kids. Whenever I expressed concern or had an emotional response, she would try to redefine the entire situation as my fault.  To help her through her “situation”, she would go out to bars with her girlfriend and leave me with the kids. This happens a lot. I’m not sure there’s anything to read on this, but I recommend connecting with other straight partners so you can appreciate that this is common, and most importantly, not your fault.

Support » Why are these triggers for the XGH » May 10, 2022 7:49 am

Blue Bear
Replies: 7

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In most cases, it seems that the gay partner knew about their same-sex attraction well before they even met us. As straight partners, this was information that we deserved to know, but they instead decided to lie about it. They didn’t care out our feelings or truly respect us in the first place.

When they come out, they are the same people in terms of caring about our feelings. They don’t really care, and they will continue to put themselves first.

So yes, you are entitled to feel whatever you want to feel. In terms of trying to get sympathy or emotional validation from him for that?  You’re better off looking for water in the middle of a desert.

Is He/She Gay » Can trauma make this happen ?? » May 9, 2022 4:42 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 7

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It sounds like he knew what he was doing, so his saying that his snookering of you "was not a lie or deceit" is pretty darn lame.  HIs statement that he was not committing a lie or deceit is the very definition of committing a lie or deceit.  

They almost never accept the blame for this.  

Support » My boyfriend wants sex with another partner » February 21, 2022 9:42 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 35

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If you want a boyfriend who isn't straight, seems to have some psychological issues, doesn't find you enough for him and wants to have a threesome involving another dude, you need look no further.

The question is whether this is truly what you want.  Don't compromise.

Strategies for MOM's » Hot and Cold » January 23, 2022 12:34 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 3

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I'm sorry you are going through this.  My advice (three years post discovering my ex-wife's same-sex affair, two years post divorce) is to remember what is acceptable to you.  So ask yourself the following.

1.  Before you got married and met your wife, were you searching for a lesbian to be your wife and partner for life?  Or were you searching for a straight woman?  Would it have been acceptable for you to have married a lesbian?

2.  She's probably known about her same-sex attraction to women for a long time.  She doesn't like men, and you are a man.  Did she disclose her same-sex attraction to you, and if not, how do you feel about this overdue disclosure?

3.  Almost all of the time, it's a same-sex affair that blows the hinges off our partners' closet doors.  Did your wife have an affair (dig into this if you're not sure), and if so, how do you feel about that?  There's no difference between a hetero affair and a same-sex affair -- it's cheating and was probably not something you agreed to.

Give yourself time to process this.  It's a seismic shock to your life, and it's ok if you need longer than a week, a month or longer.  

Strategies for MOM's » confused about future » January 22, 2022 12:58 pm

Blue Bear
Replies: 12

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Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Blue Bear wrote:

he's cheating on you;
he feels compelled to cheat on you to stay sane;
he's cheating on you with guys;
he was dishonest with you about his sexuality throughout your marriage;
you are not intimate with him;
you have no sex drive (probably because of this situation);
you are looking ahead to a sexless future with a dishonest guy who refuses to stop cheating on you with guys; and
just thinking about this situation is driving you crazy

Wow Blue Bear... That's an honest, true list, one that made me sit up and think "what the fuck am I doing with my life!"
 I can carry on with my comfortable life, with a man I no longer trust, can no longer talk to about the things that haunt me....or take a leap of faith and step away from everything that stops me from knowing what it's like to not be in that life


I took the leap of faith.  I'm happier now than I ever was in my marriage to a dishonest, adulterous, closeted lesbian.  Seems like it would have been obvious in retrospect, right?  

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