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General Discussion » The lighter side - after 4 and a half years » April 24, 2023 8:41 am

I totally agree with you about maintaining a sense of humor.

My ex husband was the most pretentious creature on earth, and one thing he was exceptionally pretentious about was real estate. He judged everyone by their house, or their apartment or their condo. One time, he was trying to justify his treatment of me, and in the middle of this fight, he blurted out what he thought was the cruelest, nastiest thing he could say to another human being. He said, "if it weren't for me, you would be living in a one bedroom apartment." It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing. I was trying to de-escalate the siituation, but it was the most hilarious insult I'd ever endured.  It was one of the only times I can recall him actually apologizing -- in his mind, it was the single most degrading thing you could say to another human being.

For the record: I am now living in a one-bedroom apartment.

General Discussion » The Forum has been so quiet! » April 17, 2023 8:44 am

Replies: 23

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I came back to post here because even though I'm two years divorced, and maybe ... 5-1/2 years since the big discovery, I just felt this overwhelming sense of being completely adrift.

Seven months into my journey, I was still making new shocking discoveries.  Now, I'm still questioning whether life gets better.

Also having trouble posting because I lost partial use of my right hand.  Hopefully that is just temporary.

General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » March 20, 2023 2:11 pm

Replies: 178

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Elle, I'm the one who moved out, and in the middle of the whole Covid thing I moved across the country.  By necessity I had to keep it really simple in terms of what I took and what I left.

There are a few things I've missed -- really just photo albums I somehow missed or didn't have time to go through.  But it was actually nice to have an apartment that was empty except for things I really valued!  

Support » What do you do when you are overwhelmed? » March 9, 2023 9:53 am

Replies: 16

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Ipheloa, I'm so sorry you're going through all this.  

I try to just take it one day at a time.  If that's too much, then one hour at a time.  If that's too much, then one minute at a time.

General Discussion » A form of abuse? » March 8, 2023 3:18 pm

Replies: 26

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I was really lost and disoriented when I first started putting it all together.  That one article by Dr. Minwallah really was the ONLY thing that made sense to me at the time.

I spent a long time trying to explain to people what the real experience was.  In my case, there's absolutely no question it was abuse, even if he wouldn't see it that way.  

When you're living a fake life and you need to escape and have sex, you have to come up with a lie.  Every lie creates the need for the next lie.  You need to keep track of all these lies.  Eventually, the strain starts to make you stressed, and you look around for a scapegoat.  

So that was me.  My XH's habit, when he wanted to ditch the fam and go get laid, was to blow up and throw the nastiest accusations he could think of at me (and later, at our daughter).  Then he would have the excuse he needed to storm out of the house and disappear for the rest of the day.

"Just driving around".


General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » February 22, 2023 3:31 pm

Replies: 178

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Elle, I'm glad you got this conversation over with.  I know it's been weighing on your mind.

It does get better, but it takes time.  

Support » How to accept this new life? » February 22, 2023 3:20 pm

When I read your post it sounds more like a parent talking about a child, than a wife talking about a husband.  You sound like you're deeply focused on minimizing his pain, but that's not what a marriage should be.  

If he wants to transition, you can be his best friend.  But, I don't see the building blocks of a marriage.  I see a child and an adult.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped.  Breaking up is hard, but trust me -- divorce is exponentially harder.

General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » February 6, 2023 2:50 pm

Replies: 178

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Elle, I'm hoping you check in with us -- I think your instinct to have one conversation with all three is  a good one.  I know for myself, I felt like there had to be an end to all the lying and deception and secrecy.  

General Discussion » 2022 was a fucked-up year » February 5, 2023 2:59 pm

Replies: 178

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Elle, I just checked in here for the first time in a long time, mostly hoping to see how you are doing.  This is just so, so hard ... you know we're all here for me, and feel free to contact me if you need to.

General Discussion » Not Sure What to do Anymore » January 4, 2023 1:18 pm

Agree with Anon: is this the marriage you chose?  I think there has to be more to life than "going through the motions".  

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  We all know how painful it is.  And, your husband is wrong about one significant thing: cheating with a man is cheating, and it comes with all the hurt and pain that would be there in a heterosexual affair.  It's a violation of trust, and a violation of the marriage vow, nothing less.  Diminishing it like that is sleazy gaslighting.

My husband had irrational rages at me, too.  Now that I know the full truth, I realize what was causing them, but at the time I searched for flaws in myself.  I now think that's a form of abuse.  He was angry because he probably felt he'd made this big magnanimous sacrifice just for me, and I didn't seem to behave appropriately grateful.  In reality ... I never even knew the sacrifice existed, and I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known.

It's like telling someone they've incurred a debt.  So I think he felt I should have been more appreciative of what an honor it was for a loser like me to be married to such an amazing catch like him.  My sin was apparently believing that I was his equal.

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