I totally agree with you about maintaining a sense of humor.

My ex husband was the most pretentious creature on earth, and one thing he was exceptionally pretentious about was real estate. He judged everyone by their house, or their apartment or their condo. One time, he was trying to justify his treatment of me, and in the middle of this fight, he blurted out what he thought was the cruelest, nastiest thing he could say to another human being. He said, "if it weren't for me, you would be living in a one bedroom apartment." It was all I could do to keep from bursting out laughing. I was trying to de-escalate the siituation, but it was the most hilarious insult I'd ever endured.  It was one of the only times I can recall him actually apologizing -- in his mind, it was the single most degrading thing you could say to another human being.

For the record: I am now living in a one-bedroom apartment.

Elle, I'm the one who moved out, and in the middle of the whole Covid thing I moved across the country.  By necessity I had to keep it really simple in terms of what I took and what I left.

There are a few things I've missed -- really just photo albums I somehow missed or didn't have time to go through.  But it was actually nice to have an apartment that was empty except for things I really valued!  

I was really lost and disoriented when I first started putting it all together.  That one article by Dr. Minwallah really was the ONLY thing that made sense to me at the time.

I spent a long time trying to explain to people what the real experience was.  In my case, there's absolutely no question it was abuse, even if he wouldn't see it that way.  

When you're living a fake life and you need to escape and have sex, you have to come up with a lie.  Every lie creates the need for the next lie.  You need to keep track of all these lies.  Eventually, the strain starts to make you stressed, and you look around for a scapegoat.  

So that was me.  My XH's habit, when he wanted to ditch the fam and go get laid, was to blow up and throw the nastiest accusations he could think of at me (and later, at our daughter).  Then he would have the excuse he needed to storm out of the house and disappear for the rest of the day.

"Just driving around".

Riiiiiight.

When I read your post it sounds more like a parent talking about a child, than a wife talking about a husband.  You sound like you're deeply focused on minimizing his pain, but that's not what a marriage should be.  

If he wants to transition, you can be his best friend.  But, I don't see the building blocks of a marriage.  I see a child and an adult.

I'm sorry if I've overstepped.  Breaking up is hard, but trust me -- divorce is exponentially harder.

Elle, I just checked in here for the first time in a long time, mostly hoping to see how you are doing.  This is just so, so hard ... you know we're all here for me, and feel free to contact me if you need to.