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General Discussion » Question for those who were also with a narcissist » November 18, 2016 5:58 pm

Replies: 12

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Yes, all the time.  We had gone to high school together, were very social, and played in a band together.  I can't blame him completely because I always tried to put "our" best face forward as well... now that I think about it, that's probably why he valued me.  I worked hard to help him hide his flaws because I wanted everyone to think that we/I had it all together.  I regret it.  A perfect example is that he insisted that he tithe to his church even though he was unemployed and my paycheck didn't cover our bills or debt.  

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 8, 2016 8:47 pm

Replies: 2380

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Thanks so much, Sean!

In regards to the third question, I guess I'm asking if you have experience with gay men who really believe that it's none of their wife's business as long as they're trying to be a good Christian.  He seems to believe it's SO common that it's not even worth mentioning and definitely not worthy of any marital discord.  I can't understand it.

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » November 8, 2016 5:28 pm

Replies: 2380

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1.  While we were still married but starting to see other people, my GIDEX told me he had a awful/exciting cuckholding dream that I was having sex with another man (the guy I'm with now) and making him watch... he said he was crying and felt awful and dirty but still turned on.  He told me this story as if to make me feel sorry for him but it always struck me as strange.  I read somewhere that it's possible that men have those kinds of fantasies when they secretly want to be with the man... that they could even possibly push their wives to cheat with a man because they really wish they were the ones doing it.  Do you think that's possible?

2.  This is a direct quote from my GIDEX a year after we divorced and he was starting to date women again... "Haven't been seeing any guys - don't care to.  I had those initial experiences and learned what I really want.  I tried a few more times and it was empty and miserable - I actually started shaking and almost crying - It was traumatic and connecting to deep trauma.  Seeing a woman I get to know is very satisfying and positive in every way you could want.  So there it is.  I'm not gay and I'm not bisexual.  Several therapists, me and experience agree."  This was after months of him hooking up with dozens of men who he would have "girl talk" with me about in the most giddy, excited way possible.  Is there any way that this is the truth?

3.  My ex is the kind of evangelical Christian who believes men are the head of the family and the only direct link to God...  and the kind of covert misogynist who once told me that what he fantasizes about in private was "none of my business."  He believes that it was God's plan for him to be with a woman despite preferring men and that he's doing what he's supposed to and what many good men have done before him.  Have you any experience with men who truly believe that most or all men are attracted to other men and that a woman/wife is not entitled to be marrie

General Discussion » Any insight into the direction I am headed » October 30, 2016 10:35 am

Replies: 37

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Vicky - I felt like you for a long time.  We would talk about him watching gay porn and I'd tell him that I didn't really mind if he watched it as long as he was honest with me.  I told him that the only reason it bothered me was because sometimes he'd say he wanted to stop but then wouldn't be able to... that it was worrisome that he seemed to be conflicted and out of control.  This went on for 7 years.  Sometimes we'd talk about the things he was curious about with men and sometimes he'd act completely straight, just like you said.  I was in my 20s, very liberal and open, nonreligious and thought that there was no way he was gay because he seemed to be attracted to me.  I figured that if he was bi, even though he wouldn't use that word, that I couldn handle it because we loved each other and he was a good guy.  

Things went on like this until I found him emailing men off craigslist and asked for some time for us both to date other people (his other people being men - lots of them).  Even through that, were still best friends... up until the time I asked for a divorce and stopped letting him dictate terms.  He didn't want a divorce and he didn't want people to know about his SSA.  I quickly found out that his need to keep up a straight facade was his priority in life, not our relationship.  Everything changed and he became a lying POS who betrayed and discredited me at every opportunity.  When I stopped believing that he was "straight with an attraction to men" and wanted out, I became the enemy.  Things really got bad when I decided to tell my parents and a few friends what I thought and why.  I don't know why I was so surprised that he would lie about me to others after he spent 10 years lying through our marriage.  Even though your husband is sometimes throwing you little snippets of his true desires does NOT mean he's being honest with you.  If he was being honest, you wouldn't be so confused.  Like the folks on here say, it's just the tip of

General Discussion » I'm now the member of 3 clubs: Husband is CD/TG and GID! » October 30, 2016 10:06 am

Replies: 18

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I'm sorry, I just have to thank you for that funny and cathartic post!  Get it, Girl.

When I first started posting about my poor confused and abused husband and his gay porn addiction, I thought the people on here were angry old-fashioned homophobes.  I told myself that we were different, but when things started going just like all these angry ladies said it would, I began to listen.  Thank god for folks willing to tell the truth!  It helped me see through so much of my GIDEXH's BS that would have taken me years to sift through on my own.

General Discussion » New reality » October 22, 2016 11:26 am

Replies: 8

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I'm sorry this is happening to you.  My situation seems similar to yours... We were married 7 years, with a 4 year-old son when I found emails to men on Craigslist.  Though our sex life was lacking, but he seemed to be the one who always wanted it and I was the limiting factor.  Before we got married, he had told me about a gay porn habit, that was "no longer a problem" for him, which had developed because of some mild childhood trauma.  I drug out of him that he might be slightly attracted to the thought of men, but that he would never ever ever want to make it a reality.  I honestly thought it was cool of him to be so open and honest and wasn't worried one bit about his attraction to me.  I even told him that I didn't care if he watched gay porn on occasion as long as he was always honest with me.  I told him that it only worried me if it worried him.   After we got married, I'd find gay porn on a pretty regular basis, plus some dildos and other mysterious sex toys that he said he had bought for me.  I pressed him harder and got a bunch of excuses that you'll find on this forum are common:

"All guys are curious about gay sex/watch gay porn"
"I watch straight porn too"
"It's just a compulsion I have because of childhood molestation"
"I just like the way anal stimulation feels"

Then he joined the military against my wishes and I couldn't help but think it was to avoid his family obligations and play army with a bunch of men.  While he was gone, I cheated twice, confessed immediately twice, and the night of the second confession he left for a hotel and accidentally answered some M4M adds from my email instead of his.  The next round of excuses:

"I was drunk"
"I didn't go through with it"
"I would never want to have sex with a guy in real life" 

Since we were on the outs, I told him to go figure it out and, boy, did he.  He slept with about a dozen random dudes over the next month and told me all about it.  This was my big strong Christian husband te

General Discussion » Questions » October 17, 2016 5:24 pm

Replies: 6

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1) At what point can I feel ethically ok about telling my daughters and his family? Never? He has confided in a few friends (as have I) but those closest don't know and I'm feeling isolated from them; my sister-in-law and I are close friends.  I also feel a wall between my kids and I.

It's not unethical to tell the truth.  That said, you might want to be careful during this process.  I thought my ex respected me and would understand that I needed to tell my best friend and eventually my parents, but that was not the case.  Consider getting what you need out of your divorce before you do anything that might put him on the defensive.

2) Am I stupid not to see a lawyer? I so badly want to trust him (he shared very intimate details about the encounters) but I read others accounts and am wary...

See a lawyer.  If you think it's possible to divorce without one and want to give that a shot, see one in private and prepare a plan B.  My ex shared a lot with me and I started the process without a lawyer and quickly had to get one when things went south.  I thought we were close still and trusted him and wish I hadn't.

3) We are still sleeping together and it's almost like he wants to prove he's attracted to me..:he's being very seductive and it's hard to resist...crazy I know. Anyone else experienced that? It seems like it will make separating even more wrenching...but I can't let him go.

Yes, I experienced exactly that and I regret sleeping with him.  Don't beat yourself up about it, though.  

4) Financially...where to begin? Any tips? Credit cards, student loans, separating phone bills...ugh.
Thank you for being here...feeling very, very alone.

I'd separate everything, but be sure to collect all the documents while you still can.  My ex took advantage of me financially but I had a harder time proving it because I let him keep the bank account w

General Discussion » Ex-Husband Denies being Gay or Bi: What to tell people » October 13, 2016 11:31 am

Replies: 10

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Still Wondering - I have screen shots of his gay dating profile, texts from him talking about crushes on guys and then a text of him telling me that he's done with all that and is going to start dating women again, and correspondence between me and one of his boyfriends.  

Thanks for the advice, y'all!  My son is 6 and spends most of his time with me, so I'm hoping he'll just naturally see what kind of person I am.  The problem is that I "cheated" as well, but is was after 7 years of gay porn, sex toys, and lies.  I came clean immediately and the next day caught my ex sleeping with men on craigslist.  For this reason, he forever holds the title of "not the first to cheat," though I know better now.

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