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General Discussion » 6-weeks since D-Day & he wants ME to move on. » May 30, 2023 11:05 am

Replies: 3

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Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. My first piece of advice is not to go looking for someone else. For one thing, when you are at your worst is not when you are the best judge of character and will be more appealing to losers and abusers than keepers.

Also, how convenient for him if he can offload you onto someone else. If he feels any guilt for what he's done you being with someone else can lessen it. You might even become so eager to move into a new relationship that you will agree to whatever he wants to get divorced quickly.

Don't let anyone push you here: you are married and you have rights. Before making decisions start by gathering information, without his knowledge, about the family finances. Make copies. Open a bank account in your name alone.

.Start looking for an attorney you will be comfortable working with. This doesn't mean that you are deciding to divorce but that if he files you know where to turn. Custody also should be considered with summer vacation coming up/

Will the finances allow you to stay in the house and keep her in the school and surroundings she is used to if he moves out? That will be easiest for you if it is possible.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. She will thank you for it when she is old enough to understand what happened.

Is He/She Gay » I just need to be reaffirmed » May 22, 2023 3:27 pm

Replies: 4

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May I suggest that you look into a mirror and reaffirm yourself.  Keep repeating "Whatever he is, he isn't for me" until it sinks in that you deserve so much better than him.

Look for a psychologist instead of a psychic to help you figure out what traumas in your past have led to you being sucked back into his control despite being subjected to physical violence. Do something for yourself and start on a path that is life-affirming.

Strangulation can be fatal so yes, I am being harsh here. I don't know what he was in prison for but from now on, for your own safety, keep yourself as far away from him - and his prison buddy - as possible.

Life can be better than this. 

Support » Two Years Too Much » April 30, 2023 1:11 pm

Replies: 24

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My recommendation would be that you stop engaging with  the past and focus instead on the present. Block anyone who tries to pull you back into it and don't try to explain the situation to his mother or anyone else. It's over.. Savor that!.

General Discussion » Big progress 1 year out! » April 29, 2023 6:59 pm

Replies: 4

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Thank you for sharing your joy with us. I'm so glad that your children are doing well and recognize that family life does not have to be controlled by an angry and unstable parent.

Support » Newbie and Trying to navigate this new path at age 59! » April 28, 2023 3:32 pm

Replies: 12

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Been there, felt that, divorced going on 10 years now and have rebuilt my life so that I am in a contented retirement.

We spend time together with our children and their celebrations but he has his significant others (serial monogamy apparently). We attend events together when they are something that is a shared interest but I have my own circle of friends and I do not allow him into my new life.

Setting boundaries has been important for me. He could have been hit by a bus but he wasn't. The result was the same in that there was no funeral, and no insurance but I needed to go about figuring out how to live the rest of my life without him.

Retirement opens opportunities to meet new people and try new things. I moved to a different community and bought a home with a yard for my gardening. It was important for me not be be where I would run into him or his friends and eventually he moved states away.

It takes time but with a good lawyer to secure an appropriate financial settlement you can build a good life. 

Support » Sad, hurt, lost, lonely...newbie » April 26, 2023 8:36 pm

Replies: 7

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Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. Now is not the time to have conversations with him but to begin taking care of yourself.

Since you know the extent of his sexual escapades your first call needs to be your doctor to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and to make sure that this crisis is not affecting your health in other ways, such a high blood pressure.

Are you comfortable continuing with the therapist you began seeing in February? You are going to need to stop looking to your husband for comfort.  This site has information on in-person and other support available besides this forum. There were none hear me and I was paired with a woman in a similar situation who was further along in her journey. She was very helpful.

When you have yourself reasonably composed you will want to find out about divorce, support and custody laws where you live. Before you see an attorney make sure that you have set up a separate bank account and know all about the family assets and liabilities. Make copies of documents.

Ending a marriage is a cold, hard business deal and you only get one shot at it. Focus on protecting your future: that was what helped me to not get hung up on his past behaviors.

Support » So ... Now What? » April 3, 2023 6:12 pm

Replies: 23

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I don't think you said if where you live is in your name, his name of both names. Before you go away it would be a good idea to consult an attorney about your rights in case there is going to be a separation and divorce. Knowledge is power.

It sounds as if you could use a break so I hope you can protect your assets and go on those trips. His daughter's presence should be enough to rule out him having overnight guests of all genders..


Support » What do you do when you are overwhelmed? » March 28, 2023 12:17 pm

Replies: 16

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What I did when I was overwhelmed by my husband coming out was to start consulting attorneys. Your situation is a bit more complicated since you are now living in a distant state from where your assets are, particularly is the assets include real estate. Gather what you know about the family finances and see a Connecticut one to find out what can be done to improve your finances from that end. 

Find the phone number for the county office of aging or senior services where you are living. There likely is transportation available to you and other services. It's great that you have a therapist and are taking charge of getting your health care settled. Spring is coming, even to Connecticut.

Sometimes they drop dead and sometimes they walk out on you, The end result is the same in either case: we have to reconfigure our lives and keep on living, hopefully with some happiness.

Support » Child identifies as They/Them. Spouse is trans. Child keeping me away. » March 28, 2023 10:16 am

Replies: 3

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Do you have a therapist to yourself now, and for yourself only?  The pain that comes through in your post suggests to me - and I am not a therapist - that you have many years and layers of trauma to unpack.

Your child will be developing into an adult over the next several years and possibly going away to college and being around people outside your spouse's orbit. I am not familiar with the acronyms you've used and not sure who and how these labels got applied to your child. With independence your child may change views if not identity. How much is being influenced by your spouse???

Adulthood is not the end of parenthood but a changing in the relationship. There may be a realization that a parent has used the child as a pawn to meet their needs and/or to retaliate against the other parent.
Taking care of yourself and your needs now and over the next several years can help you be better prepared to repair the relationship as opportunities present themselves.

My children are adults now and as children their father was the mothering one. Post divorce and as adults they have seen me in a new light and appreciate me for who I am. These things take time and can't be forced or hurried.

Welcome to this forum.


General Discussion » Triggered » March 26, 2023 8:19 pm

Replies: 22

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Well, I'm thinking that most of them can't reproduce...

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