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Support » What I wish I could tell my still-legally husband » July 22, 2021 4:41 pm

Ugh I feel this and I hope it's helpful for you to at least write it down and put it out there. I've tried many times to get my GEX to understand the trauma and devastation his lies and actions have caused, but I don't think it ever really hits home. I never get genuine apologies or any real empathy from him, hence my username.

Support » So Blind For So Long » July 20, 2021 5:01 pm

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. My heart breaks for you. 
Our stories are similar in many ways. Before the gay bomb dropped I too thought I had the perfect marriage. We rarely fought, I was deeply in love and trusted him more than anyone else on the planet.
To have your entire reality shatter in an instant is so traumatic. Be kind to yourself. Take good care of yourself and your children. Definitely find a therapist and confide in loved ones if you're able. You will get through this. I'm almost a year out and things do get better/easier.

General Discussion » Where are we all from anyhow? » June 30, 2021 5:04 pm

North Texas. Dallas / Fort Worth area.

Support » The beginning of the end » May 7, 2021 4:38 pm

I'm so so sorry oneuponatime. Your story mirrors mine in many ways, so I completely understand your pain.

After my husband admitted to being gay and wanting a divorce (he very briefly labeled himself as bi) we stayed in the same home, in separate bedrooms, for several months and it was torture.

Once I moved out I think the real healing could begin, so I'm glad you've asked him to leave. That physical distance will be good for your mental health and healing.

I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but just know that we're all here to listen and we're rooting for you. None of this is your fault and you deserve to be loved and happy.

I've been living apart from my GEX since October of last year and I feel better and stronger with each day that passes. Am I healed? Not even close. But it does get better. Sending BIG hugs.

Is He/She Gay » "The Bachelor" Announces He Is Gay » April 16, 2021 10:20 am

Victo wrote:

isn’t there something awfully performative and disingenuous about his personality?

THIS! I think back on my 12 year marriage and how much I used to admire my husband's big personality. He was charming and engaging and always the center of attention in any room. I used to think he was so brave. But now that I know the truth I no longer admire him at all, because it was all an act. A performance. A carefully crafted lie to hide his true self and shore up the walls of his closet.
 

Support » I feel helpless » April 15, 2021 5:46 pm

John Doe,

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. I was in your shoes last August when I discovered my husband of 12 year's secret. He denied being gay for a brief moment (called himself curious and then bisexual) and then admitted he's always known he was gay and wanted a divorce.

Those first few days/weeks were filled with such intense emotion and I remember being panicked, feeling lost and hopeless, and having no idea where to turn, but it does get easier. There is a wealth of wisdom and support here on this board, and it definitely helps to know that you're not alone.

My only advice would be to focus on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself permission to feel all the feels. My initial instinct was to protect, support and help heal my poor struggling husband, but I quickly realized that was wasted energy. He had already moved on and was happily cruising the internet and apps for his next relationship.

Sending big virtual hugs. Be well.

Is He/She Gay » "The Bachelor" Announces He Is Gay » April 15, 2021 4:48 pm

Ugh. It's hard to watch the world celebrate him. It sure seems like this coming out was perfectly timed and orchestrated as he has a new documentary series coming soon on Netflix. He gave a brief apology during his GMA appearance, but I doubt that he or many of his adoring fans have given much thought to the straight women he's harmed. Boo.
I also read this morning that his most recent ex (from the show) was NOT given a head's up that this announcement was coming. No idea if she knew or had suspicions about his orientation, but I think it's incredibly unfair that he didn't have the decency to warn her.

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » March 10, 2021 2:11 pm

EmpathyStarved
Replies: 2123

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I AM enjoying my new-found freedom. I'm still sad a lot of the time and still have much healing to do. But there are also wonderful things in my life that I'm grateful for. I have a career, a therapist who's been an immense help, and family who love and support me. I lived alone for the first few months post-separation but recently moved in with a single girlfriend I've known since junior high, and that's been great for my mental health. I wanted to hide/isolate, but ultimately knew that probably wasn't the best choice.
The future ex and I spent the majority of our marriage living thousands of miles away from family but moved back to our home state in 2018 and I'm so glad we did. I imagine this would've been an even harder journey if we still lived on the other side of the country.

I agree that it's not healthy to remain in contact with him and my therapist has said much the same. I think I'm playing nice and staying in contact because I'm afraid if I cut him off or I out him he'll retaliate, either in the divorce or in some other way. Our relationship absolutely fit the narcissist/co-dependent mold and we all know narcissists don't fight fair. In our final years together there were plenty of instances where I'd confront him about something he did that hurt my feelings and instead of apologizing he'd launch an attack on my character and bad mouth me to friends and family, even make up outrageous lies about me. I mentioned this fear to my roommate recently and she laughed and assured me that nobody would take him seriously, but I still worry.

I think you're spot on that he's worried about what people will think if/when they learn what a jerk he's been. I WANT to believe that he's not a terminal narcissist, that he only developed those tendencies as a coping mechanism, as a result of hiding and lying for most of his life. I want to believe that he'll eventually accept the damage he's done and apologize and make an effort to grow and really change,

Is He/She Gay » A gay ex-husband answers your questions » March 9, 2021 4:43 pm

EmpathyStarved
Replies: 2123

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Hi Sean! I’ve been a long-time lurker on this thread since discovering my husband’s secret back in August of 2020 and I want to thank you for all of the time you’ve spent here, sharing your perspective. It’s been incredibly helpful for me, especially when trying to get honest answers out of my STBXH proves nearly impossible.

Our story follows the typical pattern that you’ve outlined here and I’ve posted a couple times if you want to look back. Married over a decade, mostly happily, although looking back our sex life was pretty lackluster. As we both approached our 40th birthdays he started to withdraw, struggle with depression, and ultimately turned into an emotionally abusive asshole that I did not recognize at all. I found him a therapist and worked very hard to be the best wife I could be but things continued to get worse.
I eventually went into detective mode, fearing I’d discover another woman but instead discovered he’d been online soliciting men for sex.I confronted him and he lied, minimized, made empty promises etc. He identified as bisexual for a hot second which I took with a giant grain of salt, and finally admitted he is gay and has known since childhood. He’s tried to walk that back a few times and say he didn’t really know until now but I’m confident he knew full well he was gay when we married.
So I moved out in October and he stayed behind in our home. We’re planning to divorce this year. No children.

The thing I’m struggling with now is if and when I get to tell my side of this story. When he finally admitted that he’s gay he was very fearful of coming out. I made him a promise that I wouldn’t out him before he was ready so I haven’t told a single soul except my therapist and this support group of anonymous strangers. I also asked him to please speak to ME first before he does come out so that I can be prepared. We have a large group of mutual friends and family and I just want to be on the same page.He and I still

General Discussion » Amazing changes coming to SSN » December 21, 2020 4:35 pm

EmpathyStarved
Replies: 170

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I've donated twice this month and wish I could give more, because I can't thank the SSN enough for the support. I had no idea where to turn when I discovered my husband's secret back in August, and I'm so grateful that a quick google search lead me to the SSN. Keep up the good work! Hopefully in a couple of years I'll be in a better place emotionally and can volunteer to help others on this journey.

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