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Support » Just needing to work through some questions n emotions today » Yesterday 3:30 pm

lily
Replies: 15

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Hi newtotheclub - the word toxic jumped out at me and not just because of the capitals - it really is for real.  My ex went toxic on me too, it's detrimental to your health, like living next door to a toxic waste dump!  Is it possible to make a space for yourself inside the house?  ie have your own bedroom and he stays out of it.  The other way I made space was by going for walks. 

Not doing his laundry, not cooking or eating together - that didn't happen until the divorce was underway but it was a relief when it did.

Hi PattyKay - I find it hard to write this, it is so far from my reality now but at the time of splitting I wanted to stay friends with my ex.  We exchanged emails on our birthdays, I let him stop first and that was that.  we also had lunch together a couple of times - it was my cat who got up one evening, we were sitting in the living room watching tv I did not know he was gay, I did not understand he had gone toxic I just felt the effects and so did my cat, she got up, looked at me like I was an idiot stuck her tail up in the air like a follow me flag and walked out the front door and across the garden to my studio and I did, I followed her!  but then here we are in our new home and she still was wondering where he was and was so pleased to see him when he walked in the door.  we were both glad to see him go though.

I like Daryl's suggestion - put his stuff on the kerb.  and mine is to buy a lovely flowering plant and find a spot for it in the garden.

all the best, Lily



 

Support » How should I handle this situation » July 25, 2021 1:10 pm

lily
Replies: 13

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I thought I had such a nice husband but in reality he wasn't.  I needed to get away from him.

But there I was in the early stages of discovery and naturally enough I am questioning myself and whether I'm even entitled to feel the way I do.  

I decided to stop questioning myself - give myself the benefit of the doubt at all times.  I parked all self critical thoughts at the door for a while - and I so remember this moment - I've turned on my heel and left him in the house and I'm walking through the garden to the studio and I am feeling so angry.  I stopped and stood there, it felt like I grew six inches, and I just thought no, he is not worth my anger, I've given him my love and to give him more now? giving him my precious anger is not going to help, it's like throwing good money after bad.  I'm going to use the energy it gives me to help myself get away from him.

Yeah, I really thought that, I had never thought of my emotion as precious before!

I started putting my trust in myself.  and then it was just one step at a time.
 

General Discussion » How long did it take??? » July 24, 2021 2:48 pm

lily
Replies: 12

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I don't know what that rule of waiting a year is about -   

There's a tiger eating my toes - let's just wait til he gets to the ankles before deciding if I will run away or not.

I had been with him a long time, all my adult life and I was so shocked I literally fell to the floor.  I lay there and thought about it for a few minutes.  I thought, well he can do what he likes but I promised myself I was going to tell, and that was enough to get up.  I wanted to end the marriage straightaway.  It took about 3 weeks for me to realise he was entirely different to the way I had believed him to be and he'd throw his grandmother under the bus to save his closet let alone me.  I went on a three week holiday, going with a friend not him - it was already planned beforehand.  And it was not long after I got back that I moved into my studio which was at the bottom of the garden.  I only went into the house to use the bathroom and lived like that til I got a separation signed, and had a place to move to.  From initial discovery to moving out took me 18 months.  I was lucky to have a separate building to live in.  I think that made it easier because it was very quick where I didn't want to be living with him and he was very reluctant to make a financial separation.

The divorce was finalised after I had been living here for a year.  It was just a certificate, the deed was done when I moved here.  I thought we had separated when I moved into the studio but it wasn't til I was here that I really started to feel the healing.  
 

General Discussion » Disclosure and Vulnerability » July 23, 2021 3:59 pm

lily
Replies: 23

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It's her genetic material that's the foundation of her sexual attraction isn't it?

The normal thing is to be aware in childhood without knowing what's involved - feelings spring up, I can still remember the name of the first boy where we had a bit of a thing going - and we would have been 6.  all entirely innocent but it's a particular feeling. isn't it, that interest in a person.

At 10, still at the same school it was a noticeable moment I still remember, he is looking across at me, it is intense and his dark eyes look very attractive and my gaze is caught by the booger coming out his nose.  still all very innocent but more sizzle.

and then adolescence hits.

so yeah this is of course an entirely presumptive guess due to the blaming of her father and the screaming from the mother but maybe her mother is GID?

My ex's father was very similar to him.
 

General Discussion » Disclosure and Vulnerability » July 22, 2021 2:46 pm

lily
Replies: 23

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Upside wrote:

The answers here have been eye-opening. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

My personal theory on this:

To me, it certainly sounds like codependency is a requirement at some level. Many GID don't seem to see themselves as full people, requiring someone else to validate their existence. They bottle up hidden thoughts because they are fearful of how our view of them may change, as we are their worlds. They fear movement toward these hidden desires as they can only exist in our image of them.

It seems conflict often arises when an independent person sees them in a way that aligns with their inner desires. Who are they if not who we see them as? What are they allowed to be? What harm will further exploration cause? And so compartmentalization occurs, splitting their worlds, pushing many to act in secret. They are quite literally different people, as they have no stable sense of self.

The 'no friends' trend is surprising. My closet bisexual wife had no close friends for 10 years and was very angry by this. When men and women began showing interest in her she was willing to do anything to keep them, including starting relationships. She would later say that she said she loved them out of fear of losing their friendship. She denied having sex with them, yet I have proof this is false, showing she was willing to do anything they requested. But this wasn't because she was thinking of others, she was afraid of losing who she became in their eyes.

The likelihood is that one or both of their parents is GID - that must play a role in shaping their behaviour, who they are even I would have thought.  Already the person they turned out to be before they met us.


 

Support » Wife came out as bisexual and struggling with authentic support » July 18, 2021 5:04 pm

lily
Replies: 15

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If I understand you right, HikerJohn, you are taking the view that you can only give authentic support to your wife if you understand yourself.  I think that's good solid reasoning.

But it makes me think how else can you understand your own sexuality other than in the way it works in relation with a straight woman?

General Discussion » Divorce & Custody Resources- High Conflict » July 18, 2021 4:48 pm

lily
Replies: 6

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okay so I watched the Sam Vaknin YouTube.

Years ago when I first researched narcissism on line I came across stuff he had written.  omg.  so you know I find him both fascinating and annoying to listen to.  On the one hand he really does blow the whistle on narcissism and he speaks intelligently and clearly.  And he boldly goes into murky corners.  

On the other hand he has a marvellous ability with the Darvo - 'if it's happened to you more than once then you have to ask what you're doing wrong'  but in his summation he is telling us there is a huge increase in numbers of narcissists.  

And much as I agree on learning how to avoid them and this works well for me these days, if you are in love then you are vulnerable.

It was a long video, 1hr and 42 minutes.  Goodness, I thought just a few minutes, nearly switched it off a couple of times but persevered and got to the conclusion.  Fascinating, sexual orientation is tastefully airbrushed out altogether and yet he gives us his dystopian vision which I tend to completely agree with.

General Discussion » Registering » July 16, 2021 6:03 pm

lily
Replies: 17

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Like the poem OG, thanks for posting it.

My thought was maybe intersex people are oriented both ways, maybe they are, after all it may be rare but the odd person gets born with one testes and one ovary.  Occasionally it is not clear cut, it is not xx or xy, on the rare occasion it is something like xxy.

But even then it seems to me orientation is still set, one way or the other, xx or xy.  Can you face in both directions at once?

I know there's variants of every sort but you get the transgender male, he feminises, he might have a phase of saying he still wants women but in the end he is trying to attract another male.  I used to wonder why would you go to all that trouble to feminise yourself and then end up together with another transgender.  Now I get it, they're gay.  Underneath the whole journey they are two men, xy and xy, who are same sex attracted, and it's a real partnering.

I tend to think of bisexuals as people who have a lot of the make up which goes with being straight but underneath they are same sex oriented and so it pulls them that way.

I have yet to hear of anyone who has a mid life crisis and goes from a gay relationship to a straight one.  Legions go the other way.  


 

Support » Wife Came Out to Me Tonight » July 14, 2021 10:29 pm

lily
Replies: 8

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Hi, I sympathise with your feelings but I guess you realise it is tough legally.  So here is my suggestion.

You have the element of surprise.  and your plan to be perfectly calm civil and supportive is good, maybe you can pull off a quick divorce.  I hesitate to give advice because you clearly know what you are doing but the way I would approach it is to not lean into the things you want - her gone, no money for her - keep it friendly and go ahead.  I had a friend who was a lawyer and he recommended two lawyers.  They work in the same courts, they know eachother, are both reasonable people.  I offer to pay for both lawyers as long as he doesn't make any more visits than the necessary.

It was still a gruelling process but better than it could have been.  My main bargaining chip was not talking about him being gay.  My occasionally used little mantra was the family courts are full of people going bankrupt fighting over their divorce and at the end of the day the judge is going to award what the court sees as the correct separation anyway.

we then shuffled a list of separation back and forth via email.  I asked for what my lawyer said the family court would do and his lawyer told him it was a reasonable outcome.

Whether you can get a court to agree to you paying all the costs for the children and nothing to her I don't know.  You are going to be giving her money for housekeeping when the children are there whatever you do aren't you?

My suggestion is a positive passive approach re her moving out - just act as if you accept she is leaving as soon as she can without talking about it.

I'm thinking that maybe she will leave of her own volition if she's not being pushed.

I moved into the studio, it was a separate building by the creek and I had agreement I could stay there as long as I liked, or maybe it was a substantial specified period of time, I can't remember but my ex managed to co-opt a mutual friend into er encouraging me to move sooner than I was r

Support » How to fall out of love with your lesbian wife » July 14, 2021 7:39 pm

lily
Replies: 13

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Why can't I fall out of love with my lesbian wife.  It's a question I spend quite a lot of time pondering.  For me it was different, there was a distinct point where I fell out of love.  Like a coin meter running out of time, I felt it quite distinctly happening.  and I knew why it was happening, he had used up all my love, I could not love him any more, he was treating me too bad.

So all of a sudden just now I had this idea.  Maybe it's the anger.  Maybe instinctively you know you will be too angry if you take it all in and it's an instinctive protection mechanism where you still feel the love like a bandaid behind which the wound can slowly heal.

For me there was action to take, my anger was positive energy - I had to get divorced and in doing that I got some vindication but if you have been discarded what can you do with the anger, there is nothing positive to do.  maybe it is just wait to heal a bit and then hopefully meet the right woman.

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